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Just say NO to the Homecoming Proposal Production!

HOCO-Homecoming-Proposal-Producion-Teenage-Sons

Star light. Star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish you may. I wish you might. Be my date on Homecoming Night.

As if Teenage guys don’t have enough on their plate, they must now come up with a cheesy proposal presentation to ask a girl to Homecoming. He’d better not think of asking her to the dance without at least a decorated poster board in hand.

Why are our sons expected to put on a proposal production to ask someone to Homecoming today?

I have triplet sons. I have a husband. I have a father. I know a little something about men. I know males don’t come up with ideas like this on their own.

This means that Mom most likely is assisting son with the plan. Or maybe the high schooler is scrolling through Pinterest for HOCO Proposal ideas instead of doing his school work, which is strange. Or perhaps he’s recycling an idea from a friend who’s gone before him so that he can get the nonsense over with.

I have seen prom proposal productions in the past, but the shenanigans have now made their way into the Homecoming arena.

Do boys need to conjure up a rhyme and creatively display it on a poster to invite your daughter to a dance? Others take it to another level buying huge teddy bears, shoes, candy and the list goes on. I’m sure the bigger, the better.

That wouldn’t exactly be something my sons would authentically do. And me pushing them to participate, isn’t something I would authentically do, so sorry ladies.

What happened to just a good guy asking a sweet girl to the high school homecoming?

How come that’s no longer enough?

Why do we insist on turning what should be a simple invitation into a production?

Perhaps it’s working for some guys because hiding behind a poster board slogan that your Mom helped you write, is probably easier than actually having to invite a girl face to face using your own words.

And there wouldn’t be anything post-worthy for social media if there wasn’t a production. And we all know how much everyone loves a good photo for the feed.

The HOCO Proposal Production seems like another way to try and one up each other. I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the concept and why we’re allowing this nonsense to be commonplace now.

My boys aren’t attention seekers, so they may never go to Homecoming with a date if they have to come up with a cutesy scheme to get a girl to say yes.

Do girls need this type of proposal from boys now? 

Our 8th-grade daughter said she thinks the idea is “cute.” I explained to her that it’s adorable when she and her girlfriends make posters for one another’s birthdays and bring them to middle school to celebrate. There is nothing cute about making a young man design a presentation to ask you to the homecoming dance.

Let’s not put pressure on kids to have to put on a post-worthy show for what should be a simple invitation to a timeless high school event.

Let’s put our efforts into raising confident and kind young men and women who don’t need a show for social media to feel good about themselves and their lives.

No post-worthy production necessary.

138 replies
  1. Susan Irwin
    Susan Irwin says:

    Indeed, Miss Amy! I have never thought of HOCO proposals this way. I hope moms of young teens read it, get it, and encourage their young people to consider keeping “things” simple. Rock on!!

    Reply
    • Corey
      Corey says:

      I attempted to protest this very thing but failed. It’s all about tradition is what I kept hearing. My two boys were stressed out.

      Reply
      • Shelly Napier
        Shelly Napier says:

        OR…How about we just let them enjoy their “thing” as they have created it. It probably will pass, as everything does. Why not let men COURT girls they way it used to be done, and let those girls enjoy it while it lasts. Just leave it be… and get out of their way. No harm is being done. No one is forcing the boys to do it. And, wow, maybe it is nice for girls to actually see them putting forth some effort for once. And, maybe the guys feel proud for putting themselves out there, taking the risk, and getting the girl to go out with them in the end. Just relax.

        Reply
        • Louise Martinson
          Louise Martinson says:

          I agree Shelly have raised 4 boys and 2 daughters, for 3 years my son came up with the ideas to ask his date. Not a big deal, and good practice that maybe a girl is worth alittle effort. I hope he brings it into his relationship as an adult, I know I would love a little thoughtfullness in a relationship. It does not seem it needs to be that much effort or expense.

          Reply
        • Heather
          Heather says:

          Agreed! I love the fact that the boy took the courage to hold the sign that maybe his mom helped him make but he took the initative to do something special and not be embarrased.

          Reply
        • Sherry
          Sherry says:

          I agree with you. What does it hurt? It is something fun the kids are doing no different than some of the silly stuff we used to do as teenagers

          In an age of Cyber-sex, pill popping parties and and the ever popular keg nights— I would say Promposals are pretty tame compared to some of the stuff going on in teenage world.
          Perhaps the Helicopter parents should just back off a little

          Reply
          • Jenne
            Jenne says:

            I don’t mind the poster board but when it’s tons of money spent on things like teddy bears it gets a bit ridiculous. At least one of these boards is time better spent then out on the streets drinking and driving or doing drugs.

        • Becky Bruning
          Becky Bruning says:

          I have raised my son to value girls and their worth. He is respectful, kind and fun. I have told him that girls like to know they are special. We all do and no one on this thread can deny that. I’ve told him a girl doesn’t always have to be charmed throughout everything in a relationship or while courting but that it’s important to let them know you care enough to put that extra touch on special occasions. I see nothing wrong with the HOCO/Prom proposals. If you’re starting Freshman year you’re talking 8 times in 4 years that they will have to make a sign and be creative and take that step out, be confident and make that girl or eight girls feel like they are worth it. I’d say that’s pretty awesome that for at least one time in a girls life she was made to feel special and worth it! I hope that these values I’ve taught him stay with him and make him a better husband who values his wife’s worth and remembers that girls are special and like to feel as much.

          Reply
        • Jess
          Jess says:

          Yes!!100%! Good, let them put some effort into showing someone she’s special to them. What’s the big deal? Your boy will be a better man for it.

          Reply
        • Susan
          Susan says:

          Some people forget that they were young once and I’m sure they did some things different from the way their parents did things. If its done in fun & not hurting anyone leave them be!

          Reply
        • Fran
          Fran says:

          The problem is that the kids didn’t come up with it!! When my son entered high school, I was told that just asking was NOT enough!! They had to bake a cake, or cookies, or buy a necklace or some other “noteworthy” presentation for the girl they wanted to ask. I thought that was the most over the top thing I had ever heard of. I was merely asked to homecoming, and I am not emotionally scarred in the least because I didn’t get a poster or a cake!!

          Reply
      • Andrea
        Andrea says:

        I’m not sure what tradition though, when did it begin? I was in high school in Arizona and Alabama in 1974-1978 and I only remember a shy boy nervously asking if I would go. Seems over the top for high school aged people. I would also say that traditions don’t have to stand, trend setters break traditions all the time. 🙂

        Reply
        • Yvonne
          Yvonne says:

          Tradition? Maybe since social media is all the rage. I agree it’s a way to put on a show and the bigger the better. A child’s birthday party today is more costly and a bigger production than most wedding I attended in the late 70’s. Of course, I realize I’m in the minority, likely, as I’m raising our son (my second round of parenting) to appreciate simple things, live simply and realize what really matters in life.

          Reply
      • Amy
        Amy says:

        “my boys this” “my boys that”…. sounds like you’re going to be one of those moms who thinks their son is too good for every girl.

        Reply
        • TZ
          TZ says:

          Geez, Amy. Can’t you just respect someone’s opinion, rather than assuming what kind of mom she is? By your comment, should I assume that you’re one of those moms who is always cynical?

          Reply
    • Jaclyn
      Jaclyn says:

      Omg this is perfect other than I have a daughter who was put on the spot by a boy she didn’t know and felt obligated to say yes because he did it in the middle of a high school football game so there were a ton of people there. She did end up telling the boy the next day no after she said yes because he thought just because she said yes to homecoming that meant they were dating. It’s a lot of pressure on boys but being a mother to a teenage daughter if it’s someone you don’t want to go with and they put on a display in front of a bunch of people then it’s also a lot of pressure on a girl too. So needless to say she will be going to homecoming with her friends instead of a date. She’s a simple girl and shy and quiet she doesn’t want all the extras.

      Reply
      • Chouse
        Chouse says:

        Being a Mom of two boy, 18 and 2, I appreciate your candor. My eldest doesn’t do productions. He’s never even dated except for groups. That’s okay. I feel like my little will be an entirely different story. 😉

        Reply
      • Jessica
        Jessica says:

        Your daughter sounds like me at that age. A production would have scared me to death.
        Now, I’m raising sons. And, I wonder, if home coming is such a production and prom a bigger production…what has to happen for a marriage proposal? First off, the man has to be aware of the males and their productions that went before him so he can one up those.

        Reply
    • Carlos
      Carlos says:

      Why is it ok to make posters for birthdays and make a big production over a birthday? This post is full of assumptions, automatically puts blame on mom and assumes that boys cannot be creative and thoughtful.

      This is different than we did in high school, just like what we did in high school was different than our parents and our kids kids will also do different things.

      This is truly making a mountain out of a mole hill and would encourage writing that does not assume things that do not apply to the masses. Being the father of 4 (three already through high school) I shake my head at this line of thinking and poor writing in approaching what is a non-issue.

      Reply
  2. Jennifer Bryant
    Jennifer Bryant says:

    AMEN! Why do they need that pressure? They don’t! When it comes to anything my kids come home saying their friend do or their friends have, my response is simple, “That’s nice. We don’t do that, it’s not necessary.” Now that they’re entering the tweenage years, I’ll sit down and ask them why they think it’s a big deal, I’ll tell them we did or had similar things growing up and why I found it’s not important now.

    How do you explain “fads” to your kids? Or do you let them try or have certain things for a while, knowing they’ll grow out of it?

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Hi, Jennifer! It depends on what it is. We usually let them spend their money on material items they want, within reason. When we say no to things, it’s usually with consistent reasoning. Ours also know that we don’t care what everyone else has or what everyone else is doing. We tell our kids that it’s our job to lead them well and we don’t want them as adults having unrealistic expectations of people or needing more and more material possessions. We have a joke about their running list of things they want to buy and do when they move out of our house. Perfect. This is what we want- kids who don’t get and have everything they want now so that they will have things to look forward to as adults. Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply
  3. Kathy
    Kathy says:

    I agree 100%! I have a daughter that is a senior, & ever since her freshman year I thought this was too much for kids. & when did Homecoming become big extravaganza…the evening gown, the shoes to match, paying to get your hair done, paying to get your nails done, going out to dinner before or after. When i went to school it was a dance after the football game & you wore your jeans & sweatshirt that you wore to the game…no pressure at all…lets make homecoming cheap again!!!

    Reply
    • Kim
      Kim says:

      Yes! I have said this for years too. I had 2 girls already graduate & now have a sophomore. It is always a huge thing around here. Homecoming is just a dance after a football game. In my day only the Homecomkng court wore dresses. Wish we could get back to those days.

      Reply
      • Mimi
        Mimi says:

        I personally think the “productions” are cute and harmless, but wonder why we haven’t done away with the homecoming court! Seriously? We are still encouraging popularity contests?????

        Reply
        • Apriest
          Apriest says:

          If it’s legitimately the “inviter’s” idea to come up with a creative idea, I don’t have a problem with it. It’s the expectation that invitations be wow-worthy then published foe everyone’s scrutiny that I dislike. My son got out of a 2 year relationship where the girl spent a lot of time berating him and telling him how to ne a boyfriend. e.g., all of the Pinteresty ideas ahe expected him to do to make her feel special

          Reply
  4. Ann
    Ann says:

    I completely relate to the “bigger and better” response. There were certain things such as limos and ridiculously expensive clothes that we just didn’t allow. My thought was always, if you do all of this now, what will you have to look forward to later?

    Reply
    • Laura
      Laura says:

      Yes – this! What is there left to look forward to? How on earth are these boys going to propose marriage? They will have to skywrite it to make it fancier than asking a girl to Homecoming in high school!

      Reply
  5. Kat
    Kat says:

    Why don’t you want to raise young men who are smart and creative and clever? My boyfriend in high school invited me to prom twice in a clever and cute way- it meant a lot that he cared to be sweet and cute.
    He was valedictorian so all the “hard work” he put into a ‘promposal’ clearly didn’t affect him.
    If young men were raised to not be depended on women to be creative and sweet then how can we expect them to be great fathers who are caring and and great workers who can find better and more efficient ways to get things done?
    I agree that sometimes it is too much. But let’s not baby young men into believing that they can’t be creative.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Ooohh… I love this! Because you are right that we should be raising creative young men. I wholeheartedly believe in that. I have always had a ‘creative space’ in our home to raise my sons in this way. Any young man that comes up with his own HOCO or promposal plan or presentation, my hat’s off to him. Just don’t post it on social media and keep it special between the two of you then. The production is what I have a problem with and the fact that it is now an expectation of all young men. Some creative guys are simply introverted and doing something like this wouldn’t come naturally even though they’re a sweet, clever and creative young man. Thanks for reading and commenting Kat!

      Reply
      • Lauriecahill
        Lauriecahill says:

        Your living in the past. Keep your opinions to yourself. My son is amazing, has an amazing girlfriend and he loves to come up with a fun way to invite her, he doesn’t post it on social media. Why don’t you use your opinionated voice for a real problem that kids are facing , there are many of them

        Reply
        • Grace
          Grace says:

          Um, it’s her blog, so that’s exactly what it is- her opinion. If you don’t like it, move on. Why does everyone feel the need to confront someone who has a different opinion?

          Reply
        • Al Rees
          Al Rees says:

          Absolutely! Spoil sport that wants to others good times.
          BTW – I will put mine ad my son’s creative talents up against yours any time. This borders on male bashing.

          Reply
        • Shelly Napier
          Shelly Napier says:

          Well, I agree. I find it strange too, that the girls kind of “expect” this right now, but it is just a phase. And a good one in my opinion. Why not let the boy work a little for the date? They always did in the past. This is a skill that should be relished, not put aside. My husband still opens my car door for me before I get in. Not because I ask him to, but because it is a sign of respect for women. That is now he was taught. Just let it be. There is not harm done here. The boys can choose to participate, or choose not to.

          Reply
      • Julie
        Julie says:

        I get you about the social media.. but remember.. you don’t have to be on social media and see it. So calling someone out for what they post… stop following them. I had to preach that to myself with adults that HAVE to post every dinner and vacation. If they like to post that.. who am I to tell them no.. I can always not follow. Just food for thought. (for reference my daughter’s hobo date isn’t on social media, and she asked me if she could post the pic of them after he had a simple ask, bc it had a cute picture of them from Kindergarten together. I told her yes, one picture. The other mom and I didn’t post as well. My daughter rarely posts anything as we have lots of rules about what we post.. i felt this was totally appropriate.)

        Reply
    • Catherine Harris
      Catherine Harris says:

      As the mother of both a boy and girl. I will encourage my son to invite a girl to homecoming when the time comes. It need not be extravagant, or even clever. My hope is that he is polite, respectful and genuine. Girls like to be asked – and shown respect. Yes, we all may enjoy the insta-worthy pics, but I understand the pressure.

      Many times, it’s the girls who coordinate plans, etc… and I would not want my son to expect that. This is part of the “growing up” process. It’s stressful for both parties. Yes, it may be awkward and nerve-wracking, but so is life!

      A nice gesture of flowers and simply “asking” is perfect!

      Reply
  6. Karen Epple
    Karen Epple says:

    I 100% agree that it can be over the top…but it doesn’t have to be. I just had a son graduate from high school, which means he had 6 “asks”….and I never once helped him. My daughter just got asked to her first HoCo and it was a letter size piece of paper with a message written in ink pen. As low key as can be. If you let/encourage your kid to go crazy….just think what the wedding proposal will need to be! Or just pick up the phone and call…that’s ok too! Whatever the child is comfortable with is what they should do.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Agree! I guess it’s just starting the conversation for our sons and daughters that an over the top production doesn’t mean better than the nice guy asking on a notepaper. We don’t want our daughters disappointed because they didn’t get the guy with the show. Thanks for reading Karen and commenting!

      Reply
  7. Andrea
    Andrea says:

    Last year my daughter was beside herself over reports that a boy was going to ask her to the 8th grade dance (yes, it’s trickling down to middle school). For weeks she walked around wondering how she was going to handle a public “proposal” and the hurt feelings when she turned him down. Worse, she even considered saying yes to spare him the humiliation. In the end, the boy never asked because a mutual friend stepped in and explained that my daughter wasn’t accepting invitations. So I’m curious. Are parents of sons preparing their boys for the possibility of a rejection? As I explained to my daughter …. if a boy does not have the maturity to accept “no” for an answer, then he certainly cannot accept “yes.” I agree with you 100%. It’s hard enough already without all the spectacle.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Hi, Andrea! It seems everything is trickling down to middle school nowadays. Parents can’t let kids wait on anything anymore. I hope that Moms and Dads are talking to their sons and daughters about all aspects of asking a date to a dance and rejection is definitely a part of that! Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!

      Reply
      • JonettaC
        JonettaC says:

        Middle school graduations have gotten out of hand too in at least one district we’ve lived in, with kids being picked up after school ceremony in limos and so many family members attending it’s crazy. It’s awesome to be proud of your child, but where does doing all of that set the bar for high school or college graduation? If I send a limo for middle, will I need a helicopter for high, and then what, a yacht for college?

        Reply
        • Amy Carney
          Amy Carney says:

          Oh Jonetta. Don’t get me started… What will our kids have to look forward to? This is exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe I’ll write about the excessive middle school graduations in the spring. There’s certainly alot of material out there. Thanks for reading and commenting!

          Reply
          • Leslie
            Leslie says:

            Well, I offended that the moms in our district are starting this in FOURTH GRADE. Yes, elementary school kids party ring up for a “date”. My fourth grader doesn’t even want to watch the game because she wants to be running around PLAYING. And playing is what she should be doing not feeling force d to akwardly sit with some schoolmate in a pretend date. It’s role playing dating, so let’s start filling beer bottles with Kool Aid, snorting Fun Dip up three nose too. SERIOUSLY, it over the top and out of hand. I would like to take a poll of how many of these fellas want to do it or feel obligated. Maybe I sound harsh but I’ve so tired of it and I have three young girls that do and will know, the answer is no, no NO hoco proposal, no prom proposal, NO! Productions are for audiences.

    • Candy Martin
      Candy Martin says:

      I talked with our daughter about graciously turning down an invitation if she did not know the boy well or feel comfortable with him. She learned to thank the boy and tell him that she was honored that he would ask her to such a special evening but because they did not know each other it would probably be uncomfortable for her to go to the dance with him.

      Reply
  8. Tanya M.
    Tanya M. says:

    My daughter is a sophomore and I thought it was adorable how her boyfriend asked her. At least she didn’t receive a text message asking her….. why knock the new tradition being made? It’s not like they are “required” to do it… it’s kinda like mums in Texas…. have y’all seen the SIZE of these things now? But it lets the guys be sweet, and creative…. and it creates a very sweet memory for them both. I have a son AND a daughter… so I’ve been on both sides of this. I think it’s awesome for my son to WANT to make his girl feel special…. and vice versa. It’s crazy to think it’s a bad idea…..

    Reply
    • Cindy
      Cindy says:

      And I think that’s exactly what’s wrong with such a public display of invitation. It’s hard enough to turn down a boy, even harder (or impossible) if he’s just put on a huge production! How horrible for both the girls and the boys with all of this!! Thanks for starting the discussion!!!

      Reply
  9. Greg Hankins
    Greg Hankins says:

    I taught second grade for 25 years, and saw some pretty strange things go on. Often due to the pressure moms put on each other. One year, one of my students had a brother in 6th grade, and he was going to the annual-end-of-6th-grade party. His second grade sister was devastated that we didn’t have anything for them at the end of the year, so the mom decided a second grade prom was in order. The mom invited 6 of my female students to “prom”, and they went all out with hair, nails, and formals, as well as a limo ride to dinner at an expensive restaurant. 5 of the girls invited participated – but the 6th parent said no way. Needless to say, both the mom and her daughter were ostracized for not participating. I’m sorry – but it was over the top and not necessary – and I bet these girls AND their mom’s expect the over-the-top HoCo invite.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Okay, you are making the homecoming production look good with this story! What happened to waiting for special things at age-appropriate times? Good luck to the guy this little one ends up with at no fault of her own! Thanks Greg for reading and commenting!

      Reply
  10. Jane Hoegh
    Jane Hoegh says:

    Yeah, what’s left in life for the really big stuff? Today they have to do bachelorette parties in Las Vegas because the simple ones just don’t “cut it”…they did that kind of fun in 7th grade. I once had a 7th grade volleyball player’s mom rent a limousine for her birthday party. So, now renting a limo has been done….what’s left for fun as an adult?

    Let’s encourage the basics in high school and leave the proposals for adulthood.

    Reply
    • Caroline
      Caroline says:

      What is left for fun as an adult? Oh, I don’t know…. living on your own, getting married, raising a family, excelling in your career, being financially independent, getting to make decisions for yourself. Jesus. Let the kids have a promposal if they want. If you are worried that getting asked to prom in a fun/sweet way will leave nothing for your child in adulthood then you must be expecting him to peak in high school. There are bigger things to worry about.

      Reply
      • Deborah
        Deborah says:

        Caroline,

        I really think you missed the point here. I think what Jane is trying to point out is that having all these grand things as a seventh grader will mean expectations will only be higher as an adult. I see this all the time actually. I have several nieces, and I have given them presents which were not super expensive or the “latest greatest thing”, and the look on their faces really said everything.

        Reply
  11. Amy
    Amy says:

    Goodness people! It’s fun! These are good kids experiencing high school…. once in a life time. I am guessing the ones getting twisted over the idea are the ones who aren’t getting asked maybe???

    A mother of a freshman who was asked through a very simple but charming poster board is a memory she will not soon forget.

    Relax…enjoy. Quit trying to compare homecoming today to the past… it just isn’t.

    Reply
  12. Janine
    Janine says:

    As a mom of two boys and a girl, I could not disagree with you more. In an age where boys and girls text and “hang out” instead of talking on the phone and going on real dates, this is just one sweet thing boys (and girls for Sadie’s) can do. It’s not that hard! Pinterest is your friend! It can be simple or more elaborate. I hope your sons will do something fun and that you will join them in creating something fun and sweet.

    Reply
  13. Joy Booth
    Joy Booth says:

    I have preached this to my 3 daughters (age 11, 13,15). The pressure we have put on kids for everything is ridiculous. We are teaching kids is it all about the optics and everything from science projects to the way they ask someone to a dance has become a production for the purpose of social media. I am happy to say the boy my 15 year old has been spending a lot of time with simply asked and she was very happy to simply say yes.

    Reply
  14. Amy Schisler
    Amy Schisler says:

    YES, YES, YES!!!! I have all girls, so I’m not the mom who has to intercede for her son, but I am against ALL dance proposals. I wonder if it’s a way to cheapen REAL proposals. How can a guy with a simple little ring compete with the proposals his beloved has received in the past for mere dances? He can’t! Okay, sorry for the rant. This is a HUGE issue for me. Thanks for writing.

    Reply
  15. Emily
    Emily says:

    You’re right, boys don’t need to have their mothers do it….so leave them to it if they want to do it. If they don’t want to do it, they don’t have to. No one is threatening them to do it. It’s too bad they feel they have to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ in order to be worthy.
    For those that do want to do it, let them bring romance back into the scene. This generation knows nothing of romance. Boys having to put a little thought and effort into something when it comes to a special date; I say YES! Lord knows they are not ordering the corsage and tux, Mom does that. Once parents stop living vicariously through their children and start making their children think for themselves….then typical dance requests might resume. But if not, nobody is MAKING anybody do this, your sons don’t have to participate in such tasks.

    Reply
  16. Jamie
    Jamie says:

    You are not alone in thinking this. I have three daughter. Two in high school. One in junior high. And a son in elementary. I have actually had heated arguments with my daughters about this issue. They think I’m ridiculous to think that this puts too much stress on the boys. This whole idea makes it so that most boys don’t even make the posters unless they are 100% certain the girl is going to say yes anyway. Everyone has a camera… nobody wants to be let down and embarrassed on social media. So what’s the point? Like you say, another reason to post some fake surprised smiles. Nothing is authentic.

    Reply
  17. Linda
    Linda says:

    It’s certainly a sign of changing times. Everything has escalated. In expectations, production energy, and money spent on dresses etc., everything has multiplied. Homecoming requires what was once suitable for prom. Prom is more in line with a wedding. And weddings have practically become a coronation.
    Not sure if this is fueled by social media or if it is reflective of a societal veneer, but it definitely reveals the DNA of our culture. I LOVE creativity and grand gestures, but this trend definitely shut down 2/3 of my sons who didn’t think prom was worth all that effort and refused to go. Sometimes simple is more sincere.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      I love your thoughtful comment, Linda. Simple is more sincere. Do you think there’s hope of balancing this all out? I hope so for our kids’ sake. The escalated expectations are exactly where we need to pull the reins a bit. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      So funny! Thank you so much for sharing this! I’m going to post this in the string of comments on my FB fan page too. Also, looked up your website and love what you’re doing! Thanks for taking the time to comment and share your son’s creativity!

      Reply
  18. Justine
    Justine says:

    I have two teenage sons. One of them is not the kind of guy who will ever go for fanfare when professing his feelings. It’s just not in his nature. He worries that he’ll never get a date to homecoming or prom because girls expect something “special.” Not to show how old I am, but I am from the days when simply being asked was special enough. I am sad that he’s not going to ask anyone to homecoming this year because he said most of the girls he knows expects a big deal invitation. Our kids have so much pressure these days anyway. Why is this necessary?

    Reply
    • Shelbi Labat
      Shelbi Labat says:

      I totally agree. I mean I remember being so delighted to be asked as a teenager and as an introverted person I’m not sure I would have appreciated all the attention. Also, sometimes the girls say no. My brother had friends in high school who asked and the girl ran out embarrassed because she had to say no because she was already planning to go with someone else. And also, let’s not forget about the girls who don’t ever get asked to go… It seems like not being asked is more problematic when there’s such a production involved. I wasn’t asked to most all dances in high school and luckily my self-esteem remained in tact but that was not the case for all of my friends. Sometimes girls might want to ask their guy friends (who are shyer perhaps) to go with them if neither of them have a date, but with such a production involved the girl may feel she cannot ask the boy because she doesn’t know if he is planning some sort of production for some other girl with his mother or guy friends.

      It may not be the biggest of world problems, but there is something certainly unsettling about putting so much pressure on kids these days.

      Reply
  19. Tiffany
    Tiffany says:

    My son is a freshman and he was so happy that his sweet friend was interested in going to HC with him. He asked me to go to Hobby Lobby and for less than $20 he got supplies to make a volleyball themed poster proposal. His cousin, also a freshmen, helped him with the lettering, paint and glitter. I loved it. The most creative effort and focused attention I have seen from him in years….outside of his cellphone and sports! I agree, these things should not be pressure inducing however a simple effort to make a girl feel special works for me. Enjoyed the blog!

    Reply
  20. J
    J says:

    Seriously? I think promposals are dumb and homecoming ones are also dumb, but you’re seriously blaming girls for this? I don’t know how the trend started, but I’m pretty sure that no one is forcing boys to participate. I’ve never heard a teenage girl say she wouldn’t go to a dance if she didn’t get asked like that. If your sons don’t want to do it, they don’t have to. Stupid trends happen all the time, but if boys hated it, they wouldn’t do it. So please get down off your high horse and quit whining and playing the blame game. Nobody is personally attacking your children for Christs sake.

    Reply
    • JoJoOz
      JoJoOz says:

      Ummmm….I have seen multiple girls tell their boyfriends “You better make the promposal or Hoco proposal really special or I will find someone else who will”. The whole thing is pretty shallow.

      Reply
      • JJ
        JJ says:

        My words exactly!! The girls are the ones coming up with how they want it presented when in a relationship. If not, it is her friends job to give the guy the idea. The expectations are getting extremely high for all of these teenagers. With the potential for a lot of disappointment as a young adults.

        Reply
      • Jamie
        Jamie says:

        Exactly! I’ve heard girls say “If he doesn’t do something big, I’m not going.” So YES, the girls play a role in this too. The whole thing is silly. It’s pressure on both sides- the boys with the “production” and the girls comparing theirs to other “productions” and being embarrassed if they don’t measure up🙄- GEEZ- it’s just too much!!!

        Reply
  21. Kpesek
    Kpesek says:

    What I find to be obnoxious and wrong, is it’s first all orchestrated! They first have their friends find out whether they will say yes or no or have a date already before asking. Once it’s all ok’d, she knows he’s going to ask and then just waits to be surprised. I think this is another way of this generation not knowing the fear of rejection or even just the fear of not knowing. Walking up to a girl and asking her teaches a young man self-confidence. Today they all hide behind their phones and lack communication skills.

    Reply
  22. Heather
    Heather says:

    My son is going to his first homecoming this weekend and he has a date but no posterboard was made. His date is a very sweet girl he is in marching band with. He asked his dad and I if it was okay that he go before he asked her. He asked me about the logistics since they don’t drive. I told him I would be happy to provide transportation and photography skills but that he needed to make a dinner reservation and order a corsage from the local flower shop. Proud of him he navigated all of this himself. He found out her dress color and borrowed a tie from his dad to correspond. He told me today he bought the tickets to the dance with his lawn mowing money. I assume he used the same for the corsage. All of these are life skills. I am a bit happy I am driving so I can witness the “picking up and meeting the father” moment. A rite of passage, the posterboard I suppose can be part of it but it isn’t the important part.

    Reply
  23. Jule
    Jule says:

    I liked your response. I am the mom of 4 boys. My last one is a senior. I say go with it! It could possibly help your kids in a speech or communications college class later. These days will be gone SOON and even though it is pretty goofy try to make it fun for your family….in the bat of an eye .. KIDS GONE:)

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Hi Julie! It’s so true that these days go by so fast and will be gone before we know it! Yikes! I would never tell my sons or daughter they can’t or shouldn’t do this if they wanted to, but they’re going to have to be the one to initiate it and buy the goods. I would rather a kind young man simply ask my daughter to Homecoming than show up at our door with gifts and posterboards. It just doesn’t feel sincere to me in most cases. Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply
  24. Lynn
    Lynn says:

    I actually disagree. We used it as a wonderful teaching moment for our teenagers while on how to respect and honor a girl he wanted to take or a boy who might ask you. For our son, we told him it is all about honoring the girl, so what would she like? Flowers or a candy bar? Written note or cute sign or just a verbal asking? We always encouraged something private so the girl would ever feel pressure to answer. One time he delivered a basket of 2 water bottles (she’s a cross country runner) with a written note and left them at her house. He told her he would call her that night. It worked well and a friendship has persisted for years though they never dated. It can be so much fun to watch them be creative and a great lesson in something not being about them, but about how to honor the other person. Like anything, someone can overboard, but that doesn’t mean we have to scoff at the entire process. And if our kids are stressed out by it, then teach them how to deal with that and not be overly concerned about themselves! It sets them up well to train them to navigate the world around them by making right choices. We like to redeem the trends in a Godly way and use them to set an example!

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Lynn, I love your response! If mine get to the stage where they want to do it, I will absolutely approach it like you did. I agree with teaching our sons and daughters how to respect and honor one another! Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply
  25. Tammy
    Tammy says:

    Although I totally agree with 90% of what you are saying as a mother of 4 boys. 3 are in there 20’s now.
    I have to say when I was in highschool I was invited on to separate occasions by 2 separate guys to dances in this manner and no mom was involved.
    Some guys actually are this way. And we shouldn’t say they are not. I know husbands that have very romantic abilities and I guarantee they had it back when they were kids. Its not a learned trait its part of who they are.

    The difference was there was no social media so when the guy showed up to my work with the big teddy bear and chocolates there wasn’t anyone to spread it viral or compete with.
    The 2nd guy had a mum I think it was cut into a poodle form they put a bow on the head and a tag on its neck and delivered it. Then it said call me I have a question for you. I had to call fro the pay phone at work to see what it was about. This guy still does this kind of stuff for his wife I’m friends with him.
    So it use to happen its just that social media made ‘awareness”& competition out of it!

    So yes now I know moms n sisters are helping.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      I absolutely agree that some guys are romantics and creative and absolutely come up with these things on their own. Love that! I think if the guy did it from his heart and the couple refrained from posting it on social media for all to see, maybe it wouldn’t be such an expectation for everyone to do. It’s an interesting time, isn’t it? Thank you for reading and commenting Tammy!

      Reply
  26. Annie
    Annie says:

    Can I just say I disagree? I suppose I don’t naturally like when things get blown up to show off (homecoming or otherwise), but I have no problems with this. My boyfriend in high school came up with a clever way of asking me to prom. He put little notes in a big bunch of balloons, and I had to pop them to get to the middle one which quoted Socrates (lol) and asked me to prom. It was sweet, creative, and no, he was a big boy who could do this without his mom (can I also say your speculations are a little annoying throughout?). Guess who is married now with two kids in a faithful loving marriage? Please be cautious about throwing something so large and varied under the bus. You might look like click bait otherwise.

    Reply
  27. Tina
    Tina says:

    Glad to see someone who thinks like I do on this. From the female perspective, I was never a “big production” kind of girl, either. It wasn’t really an issue for me in high school – didn’t date much – but by the time I was dating in my 20s, I was always leery of guys who seemed overly eager to send flowers and lavish attention on me rather than getting to know me first. (Once in a while is fine, but the ones who were over the top were usually controlling and/or needy.) As someone who’s always a bit skeptical of flashiness, I think it’s good to let our girls know that they don’t have to like this sort of thing. And if a guy insists on being flashy, even though you’ve told him that you don’t like flashy, then maybe he’s not the guy for you.

    Reply
  28. Jill
    Jill says:

    Moderation is key. Unfortunately, like anything else, this concept depends upon many variables: the kids, the parents, the school’s culture, blah, blah, blah. I witnessed a young man (longtime steady boyfriend) get turned down three times (one of them quite publicly at a sporting event in which his gf was participating). She commented that it wasn’t “good enough” for her and to “do it again”. Her friends cheered her on while this poor guy was completely flustered. Believe me, her friends were taking notes. His friends were taking notes. It causes lots of distractions in a school day, and can leave a wake of hurt and disappointment besides. Not super great for the adults trying to keep them on track in their classes.

    I don’t think anyone is “living in the past” by expecting people to be courteous and kind to one another. Or to just enjoy being a high schooler (or middle schooler, or elementary kid), and not rush the grown-up stuff so much. Hopefully, this trend runs its course sooner rather than later.

    Reply
  29. Katie
    Katie says:

    It’s girls too!
    My son gets these w dogs involved, tickets to games….
    It’s so crazy!
    Imagine what proposals will be like when that time rolls around 😜.

    Reply
  30. Sandy
    Sandy says:

    When my son was a freshman I made him ask the girl at a football game to go to HOCO without all the hoopla. She said yes, but 2 days later called him and said she wouldn’t go bcz he didn’t ask in a creative way!!! I was livid. I told him she wasn’t worth it and he moved on. A few weeks later he asked a friend with a box of pizza and the works. Yes, I posted but mainly to shove it in the first girls face. I still think its ridiculous and wonder what they will expect when they get proposed to for real!??

    Reply
  31. Amy
    Amy says:

    My son has been creative on his own with this trend. He and his friends have supported and encouraged each other to get the courage up to ask someone face to face. They have driven each other to the girls’ homes. With technology taking so much from kids these days, I love that they go to a girl’s home and ask her with their own personal touch. This doesnt have to be extravagant. Last year all of the boys participated. Some boys participated in the ‘trend’ this year….some didn’t. Don’t think it mattered either way. Maybe experience this before giving an opinion….it might change your mind!

    Reply
  32. Emily
    Emily says:

    While I agree that the whole thing is silly, I think the best thing to do, as a parent, is to step aside. It’s their journey. They’ll figure it out. Our sons certainly don’t need their moms coming in to save them. Teach them of the real problems in the world, model behavior of tackling the real problems, and let’s hope they (men and women alike) can save us all.

    Reply
  33. Momw
    Momw says:

    Amy, I’ve followed your posts and enjoy your point of view on many subjects! But, I’m going to disagree with your piece on this subject. It appears ‘proposals’ haven’t gotten over the top, the parents who encourage, assist in creating, and ironically are the ones complaining may actually be at the root causing the over-the-top experience. Who do you think is holding that smartphone to video or snap a pic of the cute couple? Why are parents getting involved at all? My son asked his date in his creative special way, no videos, no photos, just a fun memory for the two of them. Besides, I can name a list of pressing issues within the teen community, but raising a generation of romantics isn’t one of them.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      That’s awesome that your son and his date had a great experience and created a fun memory between the two of them. You are absolutely right that this is nothing pressing or really important whatsoever. It’s just a piece to start the conversation about one of the many things that are so different and can be excessive in culture today. Thanks for reading and commenting your viewpoint!

      Reply
  34. Jennibell
    Jennibell says:

    I think the comments part has been the best part of this post! It’s so easy to gravitate and agree with someone “who thinks like you” that sometimes you (I) forget there is another side to it all. Just today I was telling a coworker that I will *never* get flowers at work or a romantic vacation planned for me but there will always be gas in my car and groceries carried in for me. Because my HS boyfriend (now husband of 22 years) didn’t feel pressured or obligated to do these things then, I’m not disappointed now….”I knew what I was getting”….we all love in different ways. Although I don’t have any romantics-over-the-top-wedding-proposal to share, it doesn’t take away from my wonderful life. I’m GLAD I have friends who get to talk about grand gestures in their lives but we shouldn’t EXPECT it…..and with 2 boys and 2 girls of my own….I don’t envy them the pressure they are growing up with in regards to social media. I think posts like this are really good for us mommas….we get to see, and maybe understand, different perspectives and points of view that we can use in our own families.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Love this response Jenni! I, too, love writing and reading posts that challenge us into conversation and make us think about who we really are and what we really want in our families amidst the crazy culture we live in today. Thank you for taking the time to comment!

      Reply
  35. Kristen
    Kristen says:

    HI Amy-
    I totally understand and agree. Where does this pressure come from? I feel like you are blaming the girls for this and making it sound as though its all their fault the boys are doing this. That is unfair. The truth is that if a boy wants to do something special – he should! If he would prefer to simply ask, that should be ok too. I polled my high school daughters and asked them if they would feel badly if a boy simply asked them to the dance without a gimmick. Both of them said nope. I also know something about boys as I grew up with three brothers and there are boys that are very creative and have fun thinking of ways to ask a girl to a dance. No harm in it. It really should be an individual preference. You can share with your boys that if they don’t want to make a big deal – there is no pressure.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      All very true Kristen! You are so right, that there is no harm in the creative boy asking in this way for sure. It should absolutely be an individual preference and not an expectation, as it is in some school cultures! It is so commonplace now, that I just think we should start the conversation that this should be the exception, not the rule. I still think our kids see enough of it that they feel bad if they don’t ask or get asked in this way. Just human nature and the downside of social media maybe? Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply
  36. Cyndi Salmon
    Cyndi Salmon says:

    It seems like kids today are making a production out of every event in their life. (Or the parents) And if it’s not about them they will make sure it is. MAKE ME A POSTER! I wonder what they are going to think of next?

    Reply
  37. Mimi
    Mimi says:

    I’m having a hard time with the argument that these promposals take away from or create too much pressure on a future marriage proposal. I hope men are not thinking of putting cheesy rhymes and candy bars on poster boards to propose marriage! I just don’t think these are comparable. All the “productions” I have seen are simply a cute poster board. They aren’t romantic gestures, they are simply fun. I hope these boys/men are mature enough to know the difference when the time comes.
    As for the social media, I don’t have an issue with promposals specifically, I have an issue with teens living and curating their wholes lives for instagram moments!!!! It’s an epidemic and it starts with parents.
    Can we PLEASE stop posting photos of our kids with their honor roll diplomas and close-ups of their report cards? Can we please stop announcing what place their team can in and how many home runs they hit? If we must share, why can’t it just be a photo and a simple comment about enjoying watching your child do something they love.
    Why does everything have to be quantifiable and a way to show how much better your kid is at something than other kids.

    Reply
  38. B wilson
    B wilson says:

    My thoughts exactly! I have 15 yo triplets, 2 girls and a boy and I’ve been telling them this is crazy and not real life! Not everything in life is a huge production and made a fuss over. These kids are going to be disappointed and bored when it becomes a relaxed married couple who no longer use crazy attention seeking ideas to ask you if you want to go to their fraternity brother’s wedding next month. These kids need to learn how to communicate and not put it on a sign. It’s okay to be nervous, your voice shaking with sweaty palms. Guess what, that s going to happen with your career too. You will have to five a speech, make a presentation or even as simple as asking for a raise; you can’t ask that on a glittery poster board!

    Reply
  39. Angel
    Angel says:

    As a mother of girls only, I would also say a big, fat NO! My daughter got a “Homecoming Proposal” last year. While she liked the boy, she didn’t like the big production and all the attention. She said it felt like emotional extortion. Before she showed me the video of how he asked (yes, people took video of it!) I asked her if she said yes. Her response? “Well, yeah. What else could I say?” So…big pressure on boy to make it “post-worthy” and big pressure on girl to say yes, whether she wants to or not, or she looks like a jerk? No thank you!!!! They’ve all got enough pressure!

    Reply
  40. Ron Martin
    Ron Martin says:

    Guys aren’t stupid. They know that if they hit a home run with a very public and clever proposal, they might also hit a home run on homecoming night. The Norm of Reciprocity is a powerful thing… be careful out there.

    Reply
  41. Kvic
    Kvic says:

    Wow, I’m surprised you feel so strongly about it. I don’t think it’s a big deal. My son asked in a fun way and it cost less than $5.
    And he didn’t even post it on social media!!!!
    You seem to be angry about it.

    Maybe YOUR self esteem is depended on how well your delivery is in asking for your boys. I’m pretty sure boys don’t care too much!

    Reply
  42. Georgia Kyriacou
    Georgia Kyriacou says:

    You mentioned this in your article, but I think making a simple poster board is FAR easier than mustering up the courage to face a girl and uttering the words “will you go to the dance with me”? I think that’s the reason poster board asking took off. With a poster board and a buddy next to him for support, the boy does not need to utter a single word. Even the shyest boy can stand there and hold up a poster board; and there’s nothing wrong with that, after all, they are just adolescents! I think your article misses the point. The adolescent years are tough and awkward and the posterboard is a benign crutch that may just help them sail through and end up going to school dances that they may otherwise have avoided altogether. Afterall, what’s the big deal about making a poster board? Really? It’s not that big a deal (compared to the school projects they face), so long as it’s just a posterboard. (I agree we don’t need the extra stuff like balloons and teddy bears, that truly is over the top). But a posterboard requires only minimal thought, effort or expense and it is cute. I disagree that posterboards for birthdays are cute. Our school banned them because the kids who didn’t get a posterboard on their birthday felt awful. You may not have an expectation of being asked to a school dance but no one wants to be forgotten on their birthday. The oversight of not being remembered on your birthday and having to go from class to class and perhaps seeing that everyone else is remembered and that you are not, is far from cute. Sorry I just don’t agree that a posterboard proposal to a dance is in any way problematic. I guess I don’t expect the maturity of “simply asking” for this age group. I think a lot more kids today go to school dances (and have fun doing so) because the poster board makes it easier. In my day, many boys didn’t ask and many girls didn’t go because the asking (as simple as you make it sound) was traumatic. Also, I don’t mean to be sexist, girls can absolutely ask with the posterboard, too. In the end, I see the posterboard asking as simpler than face to face asking and I’m all for simplicity, inclusiveness and more kids having fun during the difficult teen years!

    Reply
  43. Kim
    Kim says:

    I totally agree!! Shelly Napier said it perfectly, but I’ll just add that the kids at my son’s school have fun with it. No one is “making” these boys do anything, and it’s nice to see boys being so thoughtful about it. If they can’t handle this kind of “pressure”, good luck to them in the rest of life! Give me a break… Let the kids do their thing!

    Reply
  44. Roxanna Russell
    Roxanna Russell says:

    Sorry, anyone that thinks a boy made up this tradition is kidding themselves. I think it was a Mom who was living vicariously through their children. Then everyone tries to one-up the other person and poster, it has become bedrooms filled with balloons, flowers, special meals, giant stuffed animals, costumes to go along with the theme and on and on! Please “let it go”. Ask your friends to ask her friends to see if she would be open to the idea of going to Hoco or Prom and then ask. It worked for my parent’s, it worked for me and the guys I went to these events with and all of our friends. Maybe people aren’t going because it is so darn expensive to go to the dance, dinner, flowers and now just to “ask” someone to go.
    Less is More!

    Reply
  45. sonja
    sonja says:

    My daughter has had both. .her first date simply text her..this year her boyfriend went ALL out..however it was with no creative help from his mom. .she used it as a learning tool of how to treat a lady and your future wife. The second meant morebut we raised a daughter to appreciate anything someone does for you.

    Reply
  46. Christi
    Christi says:

    I completely disagree. My stance on this is, no, no one should force them to do it, however if they want to because they want to impress a girl, by all means, let them do it. I don’t know what happened to boys trying to win over the heart of a girl by showing out a little, but we need it back. I believe it is good practice for all types of social pressure they will face. Most of the boys I teach in high school love doing it. Sure, they get help from girls and guys alike, but they love seeing the girl light up and accept. If a boy doesn’t feel the need to try to put a little more effort into asking or if he doesn’t feel like the girl would like the attention, he doesn’t have to do it. But how many of us women want our husbands to be more romantic? Most of us! Why not encourage romance at an early age instead of encouraging big expensive gifts. Just my 2 cents as a mom of a teenage girl and a teacher-mom of hundreds of teenage boys.

    Reply
  47. melissa
    melissa says:

    I feel the same way! Where I live you have to ask creatively and then answer creatively. It’s so much pressure! (not to mention time and money). Also, the girls end up having to do creative askings for every girl ask guy dance. I have twin girls and last year was their first year able to date and it’s exhausting. Then for each dance there is a day date before the dance and then a night date after the dance. Times that by 6 dances a year!! It’s too much!

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Oh my! I’m overwhelmed just reading your response. Yikes! You’ve proven that it can always be worse 😉 Have you ever thought about moving? Ha! I know I have, but I’m not quite sure where simple normalcy resides on a daily basis anymore. Thanks for reading and commenting Melissa!

      Reply
  48. Shane Lee
    Shane Lee says:

    Seems to me that this is just another way to “program” our sons to prepare them to accept gold digger status. This is NOT ok and I wouldn’t dare help anyone to support this. A respectable and sensible young lady wouldn’t demand such thing, but would be flattered by it if it came from the young mans heart and not demanded from him.

    Reply
  49. Andrea
    Andrea says:

    I pray this goes away before my daughter is old enough for homecoming and prom. A simple will you go with me should be enough! What happens to her expectations and the reality of her future partner. I don’t want her to expect a big production every time a someone asks her out. I’m afraid that in the future the simple “will you marry me?” wont be good enough. It shouldn’t be about the production but about the person who’s asking.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Hi, Andrea! I think that this can begin to die down if parents are willing to talk with one another and their kids and say enough is enough. We can teach them better than this. We don’t just have to go along with something because it’s what everyone else is doing or has done in the past. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!

      Reply
  50. Dina
    Dina says:

    Completely agree with this, because my son made 2 posters and was a nervous wreck asking the girl. After running to the store getting art supplies and watching him agonize over making it, what do you think happened?? They both said NO! It broke my heart, especially after his 8th grade dance, when I told him not to reject a girl, no matter what she looked like. Dance with everyone, because you are not getting married, it’s just a dance! And you can make a girl’s night and she will be thrilled to have had that dance with you. But girls are plain MEAN! Thank goodness, it didn’t scar him from asking out a girl ever again, but no more homecoming dates! He is going by himself and the same with his prom, unless he has a girlfriend by then. He has had 2 short term girlfriend relationships.

    Reply
  51. Debbie
    Debbie says:

    Each generation has a moniker that describes them. I am a baby boomer raised in the free love make peace not war era. Today’s generation are ‘entitled’. I believe that the over the top proposals and expectations come from that bent.
    My daughters are married with children now but these ‘creative’ invitations began in the 90’s, and it has escalated since then as several have commented down to junior high and to wedding proposals.
    I remember objecting to slumber parties with scary movies and parent assisted TPing in second grade, and boy/girl slumber parties in junior high. It was hard to say No knowing other parents allowed their kids to go. I was quite unpopular with my girls and judged by other parents as being too protective. They now as parents themselves see the wisdom of the decision.
    How do you undo an entitled generation? With unconditional love, reasonable expectations, and conversations about being others centered and how every decision they make will effect many other people.

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Debbie! This is one of my favorite responses yet. We can learn from veteran Moms like you. How do you undo an entitled generation? YES! I believe that we can do better, little by little, about being more mindful in our parenting leadership and decision-making. Starting conversation around this is the start and I appreciate you adding to the dialogue!

      Reply
      • Debbie
        Debbie says:

        Thank you Andrea. With grandchildren in tow now these issues are just as important to me and I am so pleased for blogs like yours that address these concerns.

        Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      Ha! No worries whatsoever! At least you have age to blame it on, I blame my five kids for sucking away my brain power! So awesome that you can pour into your grandchildren the values and ideals you view as relevant and important still today. As a community, we can begin to chip away at all the excess we’ve created in culture today. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  52. HappyAg
    HappyAg says:

    This is why I say,”No!”
    The boys get tired of the pressure to be cute/cheesy/creative just to ask a friend or girl to these types of events. Therefore, they just don’t. Which creates situations for a girl or a group of girls to have to go to the events alone/stag. Most boys & girls just won’t go. I have two high school boys and a regular group of 10-12 boys that are always at my house on the weekends. This is a common topic that we discuss. Many times these boys say, they would like to go to these events but HATE the pressure of having to ask girls with silly/creative ideas. Oh! goodness, the stipulations on the dang proposals…not too lovey dovey, goofy, repeated, cheesy, expensive, embarrassing…etc. It’s too much! Why can’t these kids just ask using their words. Build confidence in themselves by walking up to an individual and asking the question? These proposals are taking the place of communication… Communication can be just as creative!

    *The boys have also, discussed this with a small group of girls that come to the house. The girls agree…they would rather go to the event with the guys than sit home or go alone. Therefore, they told the guys just to ask them to go and not make these silly propsals🎉 WIN, WIN!

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      I absolutely love this as your response speaks to my reality. Let’s just continue to start the conversation with our kids and their friends and see how they really feel. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment!

      Reply
  53. Christie Sanders
    Christie Sanders says:

    I don’t really agree with you on this. I’m a mom of a 15 year old son who asked a very sweet girl to the homecoming dance using a poster board that he put a very sweet comment on and by handing her two beautiful red roses. There were no pictures, no social media, and no attempts at one-upmanship, and absolutely no involvement by Mom or Pinterest. This came truly out of my sweet young son’s heart wanting to do something special for a girl he really liked so that she could remember a special occasion. He made a point to tell me later, as he was telling me how it all went, that he wanted to do this face-to-face because so much of the socialization of young kids his age now is over texting and Instagram. He said, that’s not how you make something like this special. Personally, I think it took a lot of courage for him to get up and put himself out there like this in front of this young girl and some of their peers. He was respectful and considerate of her and her feelings. I couldn’t be prouder….

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      And you shouldn’t agree with me on this because your experience is something totally different, which is awesome! I absolutely know and believe that there are many young men and women doing these proposals on their own creative-romantic accord. I’m writing to the general expectation that is out there for kids to have to do this when it isn’t authentic to them. Thank you for reading and commenting about your experience Christie!

      Reply
  54. bbbbarry
    bbbbarry says:

    Does anyone have numbers on what percentage of homecoming-goers (or prom-goers) in your school use -posals like this vs how many just ask?

    Reply
    • Amy Carney
      Amy Carney says:

      It would be good to do a simple survey of high schoolers in a few schools and get their thoughts and what they’ve done. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  55. Marko Polow
    Marko Polow says:

    Wow. My son gets so stressed about science projects and math homework. Your article inspired me. I told him since he feels stressed, just don’t do that homework.

    Sure proposals are “optional.” But don’t seek to judge and control it (i.e. add to the stress). In this case, kids learn by making their own decisions with parental support if needed. Unless, of course, it’s more about you than them (which is the case for many parents).

    With all the problems kids face, can’t you find a better cause? Really.

    Reply
  56. Marko Polow
    Marko Polow says:

    One more thing. The concept “without regret” is psychologically self-centered. Whether you feel regret is irrelevant. But of course you know this.

    But, “raising kids to support their overall well being” is not a good tagline. 😉

    Reply
  57. R
    R says:

    This is nothing more than grandstanding and expected one-upsmanship…and yes driven by daughters and mothers. It places unnecessary pressure on girls to say an insincere yes and places undue anxiety on those boys that are rejected with a no. In addition, it places a financial pressure on the young men who struggle with the “means” to afford this pedestal propaganda. This publicity seeking anti- tradition should be curtailed and yes, it is up to the daughters and mothers to bring those expectations down to reality. If homecoming isn’t expensive and time consuming enough, adults promoting courtship and chivalry to their adult level. Again, just cutesy adults wanting to infringe and excelerate the maturation process of kids. And of course, the girls will be expected to reciprocate and unveil a sensational presentation to their Prince Charming. Let us just go back to grace, humility and discretion…value is not derived from the production seduction but rather simplistic sincerity…

    Reply
  58. Liz
    Liz says:

    As the mother of four girls and 1 boy I look at this a little differently. I believe the public asking to Homecoming, Prom, and more importantly, marriage, puts the girls in a bit of a pickle as well. If a girl doesn’t want to accept this public invitation she looks like a real jerk saying, “No, thanks.”. In fact I have a daughter that has made it quite well known that any public invitation will automatically receive a “No”. Too much pressure for things that already come with a degree of nervousness for all involved.

    Reply
  59. Kara
    Kara says:

    Everything can be over done but to be honest I don’t agree with you on teaching your boys they don’t have to be creative or thoughtful to ask a girl to the dance. I haven’t been in high school for 12 years now but I still have fond memories of boys leaving a poster and chocolate kisses on my bedroom floor or all the times I decorated their porch or cars to ask/answer. I never knew anyone who spent lots of money to ask, but if that is an issue at your school a simple talk to your kids about being thoughtful over using money is the goal. And so what if they need a little help from Mom? I helped my brother and he was so excited to drop off his poster/treats for his homecoming date. Dating is a fun stage and dances give an opportunity to think outside the box. If you think a small homecoming “proposal” is bad then don’t move to Texas where they have to make large sashes for each other for homecoming week, on top of having to dress a different theme each day as a couple! A simple poster and treats is sweet!

    Reply
  60. H. Moore
    H. Moore says:

    We did these homecoming proposals you’re talking about when I was a teen–so over 30 years ago. It’s nothing new. I’ve never once helped any of my 3 teens ask someone. They congregate with friends and do it together. It’s just a fun thing. My daughters have been asked in very simple ways, and vice versa. Usually a small poster. Maybe with a treat. They’ve all be very sweet and sincere. Sometimes it’s just been a text, or even organized by friends for a few people who weren’t asked. I don’t think there are any “rules” that need to be followed, thus, there aren’t any rules to break. Also, there is tons of texting and snapchatting going on beforehand, so there are usually never any “no’s” because the teens know beforehand they’re being asked, and the teen’s friends have already verified that one being asked is available.

    Reply
  61. Kay
    Kay says:

    Oh my goodness. This is the silliest article I have ever read. “Protest” are you kidding? I think that is part of the problem we have with this world we are currently living in. These creative expressions are harmless fun! The “proposals” make the girl feel special and of course make a terrific photo op for the kids to share on social media in fun. It builds excitement, and gives teens something to look forward to. I have a daughter now I n college who looked forward to each high school dance with anticipation, waiting to see how her boyfriend would ask her each time. Now, I have a 14 year old son who is a freshman, and we were more than happy to help him think up a special way to ask his date. If he can make a girl feel happy and special (the same way I saw my daughter feel each time), then I think that is more than fine! Aren’t we suppposed to raise young men who go out of there way to make someone happy?? How can that be viewed as negative. This isn’t pressure… just good clean youthful fun!

    Reply
  62. Deborah
    Deborah says:

    I agree totally with what you are saying Amy. Why is there so much pressure on boys to do these ridiculous things just to ask someone to go to a dance? Girls today already have a huge sense of entitlement thanks to Disney and many parents treating them like princesses. This just further adds to that and by the time girls reach adulthood, they routinely expect to be treated like this. This whole idea of putting girls on pedestals needs to stop.

    Reply
  63. Amy
    Amy says:

    This is a good point. But it also misses the point that it takes away the girls’ consent if there’s a huge production to ask her. How does she say no? It teaches girls that if a boy goes out of their way to do something for them, that they need to say yes in order to not make him look bad (especially when it’s a huge deal on social media). Then when they are at the prom, he’ll be all “well, I did all this for you, so now you need to put out (literally had this happen, not a random example) and then it’s much harder for her to maintain her level of consent. So in short, this isn’t good for the guys or the girls.

    Reply
  64. Leesa
    Leesa says:

    As a mother of 3 daughters , I’m all for young men being taught early that treating girls to a $1 poster & $5 teddy bear isn’t too much 1 time a year. As women we enjoy the sweet kind little things in life. I don’t want my girls to settle for someone who doesn’t even think she’s worth $10.

    Reply

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