Stop Doing These 8 Things for Your Teen This School Year
Don’t judge me if you happen to see my kids eating packaged Ritz crackers for school lunch.
Don’t judge me if they’re on the sidelines of PE because they forgot their uniform.
Don’t judge me if they didn’t turn in their homework because it’s still sitting home on their desk.
What some may view as a lack of parenting, is what I deem parenting on purpose, as we work to build necessary life skills in our kids.
I stopped making daily breakfasts and packing school lunches long ago.
I don’t feel obligated to deliver forgotten items left behind at home.
School projects and homework are not any part of my existence.
How do we raise competent adults if we’re always doing everything for our kids?
Walk away from doing these 8 things for your teen this school year
1. Waking them up in the morning
If you are still waking little Johnny up in the mornings, it’s time to let an alarm clock do its job. My foursome has been expected to get themselves up on early school mornings since they started middle school. There are days one will come racing out with only a few minutes to spare before they have to be out the door. The snooze button no longer feels luxurious when it’s caused you to miss breakfast.
I heard a Mom actually voice out loud that her teen sons were just so cute still, that she loved going in and waking them up every morning. Please stop. I find my sons just as adorable as you do, but our goal is to raise well-functioning adults here.
2. Making their breakfast and packing their lunch
My morning alarm is the sound of the kids clanging cereal bowls. My job is to make sure there is food in the house so that they can eat breakfast and pack a lunch.
One friend asked, yeah but how do you know what they’re bringing for school lunch? I don’t. I know what food I have in my pantry and it’s on them to pack up what they feel is a good lunch. It will only be a few short years and I will have no idea what they are eating for any of their meals away at college. Free yourself away from the PB and J station now.
3. Filling out their paperwork
I have a lot of kids, which equates to a lot of beginning of the school year paperwork. I used to dread this stack until the kids became of age to fill all of it out themselves. Our teens are expected to fill out all of their own paperwork, to the best of their ability. They put the papers to be signed on a clipboard and leave it for me on the kitchen island. I sign them and put them back on their desks. This makes life much easier for everyone.
Hold your teens accountable. They will need to fill out job and college applications soon and they need to know how to do that without your intervention. When they start applying for college, they’ll need to be more organized because of the workload they’ll be receiving.
4. Delivering their forgotten items
Monday morning we pulled out of the driveway and screeched around the corner of the house when daughter dear realized she forgot her phone. “We have to go back, Mom!” Another exclaimed that he forgot his freshly washed PE uniform folded in the laundry room. I braked in hesitation as I contemplated turning around. Nope. Off we go, as the vision surfaced of both of them playing around on their phones before it was time to leave.
Parents don’t miss opportunities to provide natural consequences for your teens. Forget something? Feel the pain of that. Kids also get to see, that you can make it through the day without a mistake consuming you.
We also have a rule that Mom and Dad are not to get pleading texts from school asking for forgotten items. It still happens, but we have the right to just shoot back “that’s a bummer.”
5. Making their failure to plan your emergency
School projects do not get assigned the night before they are due. Therefore, I do not run out and pick up materials at the last minute to get a project finished. I do always keep poster boards and general materials on hand for the procrastinating child. But, other needed items, you may have to wait for. Do not race to Michaels for your kid who hasn’t taken time to plan.
This is a good topic to talk about in weekly family meetings. Does anyone have projects coming up that they’re going to need supplies for so that I can pick them up at my convenience this week?
6. Doing all of their laundry
“What? YOU didn’t get my shorts washed? This response always backfires on the kid who may lose their mind thinking that I’m the only one who can do laundry around here. Every once in awhile a child needs a healthy reminder that I do not work for them. The minute they assume that this is my main role in life is the minute that I gladly hand over the laundry task to them.
Most days I do the washing and the kids fold and put their clothes away, but they are capable of tackling the entire process when need be.
7. Emailing and calling their teachers and coaches
If our child has a problem with a teacher or coach, he is going to have to take it to the one in charge. There is no way that we, as parents, are going to question a coach or email a teacher about something that should be between the authority figure and our child.
Don’t be that over-involved parent. Teach your child that if something is important enough to him, then he needs to learn how to handle the issue himself or at least ask you to help them.
8. Meddling in their academics
Put the pencil down parents. Most of the time, I honestly couldn’t tell you what my kids are doing for school work. We talk about projects and papers over dinner, but we’ve always had the expectation for our kids to own their work and grades. At times, they’ve earned Principals Lists, Honor Rolls, and National Junior Honor Society honors on their own accord. At other times, they’ve missed the mark.
These apps and websites, where parents can go in and see every detail of children’s school grades and homework, are not helping our overparenting epidemic.
Every blue moon I will ask the kids to pull up their student account and show me their grades because I want them to know I do care. I did notice our daughter slacking off at the end of last year and my acknowledgment helped her catch up, but I’m not taking it on as one of my regular responsibilities and you shouldn’t be either.
What is your parenting goal?
Is it to raise competent and capable adults?
If so, then lets work on backing off in areas where our teens can stand on their own two feet. I know they’re our babies and it feels good to hover over them once in a while, but in all seriousness, it’s up to us to raise them to be capable people.
I want to feel confident when I launch my kids into the real world that they are going to be just fine because I stepped back and let them navigate failure and real-life stuff on their own.
So please don’t judge me if my kids scramble around, shoving pre-packaged items into that brown paper lunch bag, before racing to catch the bus.
It’s all on purpose, my friends.
I find this to be very challenging with my son, who has some behavior issues and a general inability to take responsibility for anything. I know these are skills he has to learn (he’s only 8, but I’d like to start the process now), but it’s hard to tell what he actually has the capability to manage, and what his brain just can’t quite wrap around. He is very intelligent, but it seems his brain has a million other things floating through it at any given moment, to the point that he can’t remember to put his breakfast bowl in the sink despite me asking him constantly, or to even use a fork half the time (I know, I know). He’s just absent-minded and likes to take the easiest, shortest route to completing something–perhaps not out of laziness, but rather because there are other fish to fry. It’s something we’ve been working on with him for ages, with little progress. We’ve been doing therapy and the like, and fortunately his grades are good, but sometimes it’s not as black and white as we’d like it to be when setting limits. You are blessed to have four responsive and generally responsible kids 🙂
Amy- You are so right that I am blessed that I don’t have behavior issues that prohibit me from setting limits with them. I, too, still have to remind and coax at times, but I think the goal is to get our kids to do things that they don’t necessarily want to do but are life skills they need to learn. I think it’s fantastic that you are already trying to work at helping your 8 year old to be more independent while realizing his limitations right now. This parenting gig is a journey and can be a tough one. We now have a 9 year old son who has joined our family and parenting him with his issues is more difficult, but with consistency and patience we will help him develop independence as he’s able. Thank you so much for commenting! Amy
Follow this model: teach the skill, model the skill, guided practice with the skill, then independent practice of the skill. We often think life skills are learned automatically, but for many children they are not. Starting early has helped us with our daughter. Transitions from elementary to junior high or junior high to hugh school have required some reteaching.
Echoes of Madeline Hunter??? You must have taught in the 1980’s? 90’s?? Kids probably have more respect for their teachers than they have for their mothers/maids/personal assistants! Just a thought……
I was thinking the same thing! I was deep into writing the lesson plan before I finished that Lori’s comments! 1987 for me ….. common sense really.
They don’t. I’m a teacher and if they are not behaving at home, they are not behaving at school. I’ve seen many instances where it’s worse at school than at home.
I am so sick of being basically a house slave to my kids. Not much I can do though because they all have behavioural problems and unless we drive them to school, they can’t get there (none can drive and we live out of town). Our 17-y-o doesn’t get on with her 7-y-o brother so likes to make him late for school. Any ideas?
I’m a teacher and so many parents come to me with uncooperative child issues. The children are running the households. This has got to stop.
Absolutely agree – he’s young, 8, modeling will be a great move now.
best comment so far. when i read these articles i always wonder why the “experts” go right to punishment? I do help my kids with these things, and as they mature they take over and manage well without me. The tough shit theory here teaches kids that there is no grace when errors are made. Teach grace so that children can give grace to others.. later on.
I don’t see it as punishment for children to see the consequences of their actions. It prepares them for life….a boss will not be “gracious” when you left a project home. I have seen young workers break down because they have never learned to deal with negative consequences or criticism.
Keep in mind, too, the kids she (the author) is referring to are “teens”–13 to 18 yrs old! The teaching/modeling/guided practice should already be done for these types of activities by that point. By 13, children should be able to be fairly independent with school and home responsibilities. I was raised in a home very similar to what the author describes—I was doing my own laundry, using an alarm to wake up, and fixing my own simple meals by the time I reach 7th or 8th grade. If I was late to school or forgot something, it was my responsibility….and I know I am not the only one that had a childhood like that. A zero on a homework assignment or some extra laps for forgetting a PE uniform will not hurt a child….losing a job as an adult because of chronic tardiness or a lack of responsibility will!
Punishment?
Your’s is the best answer! I know because I raised my 3 children with the same attitude. I would show them once, help them once, and expect that third time they could handle it on their own. It has worked because of my 3 there is a MEd., a Navy Petty Officer 1st Class, and Doctorate of Law.
Yes. I didn’t like that at all. No attachment with your own children. To me it’s just another excuse for a mom not to do her daily duties as a mom. Having the kids fill out the paperwork and you just sign it…. Lazy
Don’t confuse grace wit dependence.
Yes! However, not taking what they forgot if it wont cause them to fail isn’t punishment, which is adding something negative in an attempt to extinguish a behavior. It is simply the natural consequense of the teen’s action. Much different from punishment and an excellent learning opportunity for a Hugh performer who may not encounter many opportunities to see failure as an opportunity to grow and change. We have to let them fail so they can learn how to overcome it.
This style of parenting takes more work, patience and effort. It is easier in many cases to just ” do it for them” making sure there are food choices, being on time and not getting angry when kids are in this situation, tolerating the chaos at moments for the situation to play out, living with a schedule that allows this…..etc. this is not lazy, this is consistent, patient, tolerant and showing forethought for your child’s future,
Yes! This!
CarmaLita, honey, my mom thinks as you think. When it was time for me to go out into the real world, I could not have been less prepared. It took MANY years for me to recover from the shock of bosses not doing for me as my mother did. It took about 20-years of hard work to re-learn what is needed in life. Parents are suppose to teach their children how to be productive adults. To “lovingly” do for them is cruel.
It is not punishment, it is discipline. Punishment is pain, teaches nothing, discipline trains and changes behaviors. My classroom rules always were written with what they could do, with permission.
You may be out of your desk, with permission
You may visit each other, with permission
and so on and so forth
After going over these rules, one student said Oh so we can’t get out or our desks? I made him read the rules, Of course the You may be out of your desk, with permission was his downfall. I said does it say you cannot be out of your desk? He finally admitted that it did not and that was the only time during the school year that year a problem tried to start. Oh, this was a cocky 7th grader.
While most of this seems well and good. I guess I disagree with the tough love approach to teaching them responsibilities. We all make mistakes or forget something. The example of pulling out of the driveway and the kids remembered a needed item… as an adult you have the ability to pull back in, run in and grab your item. Seems these kids are being punished automatically. They do not have the ability to run back in the house because mom’s driving and refuses… I sure hope her crap is so together she never forgets a thing.
I think you missed the point I was getting at when I said I ‘contemplated’ turning around, because I have and will absolutely do that, as we all need and deserve grace. I pointed out that I did not that time because they were playing around on their phones and therefore weren’t prepared because of that. This isn’t punishment, it’s a consequence. Our daughter can certainly go a school day without a cell phone and my son can get an undress in PE. Neither forgotten item was a necessity and it was a good day for them to learn from their mistakes. If it would have been important homework or something of the like, I would’ve gone back if we had the time. You are right that when they drive themselves, they will be able to then decipher if something is important enough to go back for or not. They will have had experiences to know what it felt like to have Mom sometimes get the forgotten item and sometimes not. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Accepting the consequences for your actions or inactions is not punishment.
thank you
I agree the older they become the more mature they become .
Give them love . Let them make choices . Give them encouragement. Everyone makes mistakes . Have their back !
Have a heart . They will have a heart . The more they do for themselves , the more confidence they have in their selves .
Sometimes make their special lunch . Makes them feel loved .
Never do Thier home work . Have them do their laundary .
Some times surprise them . They will thank you .
Love these words of wisdom! Thank you for reading and commenting Linda.
Yes, but there is too much grace everywhere today. Kids don’t have the chores they used to and the teachers are more like friends. For goodness sake I just heard that Harvard is removing the late fees on the library books because the kids have enough to do! We have become so far removed from this stuff that it sounds mean and selfish, but in reality, it makes kids be more respectful and graceful towards others. Don’t ask me how it works…but parents who kow-tow to their kids, never raise their voices, don’t ever want to disappoint them, don’t get the same respect from their kids. It is weird.
Some of us have children with significant emotional and/or behavioral issues. It isn’t enough to model the behavior you expect for every child. Some, like my soon to be 17 year old daughter need to learn to own their behavior, and then accept the consequences. We expect mistakes to be made but there are some kiddos that frankly need that red line.
My son too is 8 and going a mile a minute. We still use “responsibility charts” In the morning especially. Easy steps 1. get dressed. 2. brush your teeth. 3. eat breakfast. 4. pack lunch and snack. He knows he needs 1 protein source, 1 veggie, 1 water bottle, and 1 fruit for lunch. (that can even be on a sticky note inside lunchbox to start). we needs to complete his chart before TV or electronics in the morning…works like a charm. It’s HIS chart. HIS responsibility. Good Luck
Yes. Just like my students need grace and courtesy lessons, so do my kids. I really like your post.
I have 5 kids. 4 of which were teenagers at the same time. The oldest 3 would run me to death bringing this or bringing that to school. I finally had to put my foot down because I couldn’t get anything done. I ended up going back to work for 6.5 years. They had a chore list for when they got home. Each of them had a certain day to do their laundry. If they missed that day, well, better luck next time. They learned to work together, even with laundry. Now our “baby” is 15. He is severely ADHD (behavioral only), in all honors classes. I recently became disabled, so he feels like that is the green light to put me back in the roads running back and forth. I woke up late one morning and he was fussing and complaining to his dad. My husband handed him an alarm clock, and said “son you should be waking your mom up, not the other way around!” He understands he has ADHD but he is not allowed to use that as a crutch/excuse! It’s has been very hard to teach these lessons to him. Our other 4 are all functional members of society. My daughter and her husband have moved back in with us to help take care of me, but that was by request, because she is a stay at home mom. My son thinks his sister is his maid etc. Is there an alternative way or a better way to get him off his butt???
additude mag has lots of helpful advice. Here is a quote from the article link below.
“If your child tunes you out on a regular basis, do a self-check. Have you become too negative or critical toward your child? Do you focus too much on problems and not enough on solutions? Has conversation turned into a series of lectures, instead of a give-and-take? No matter what your child’s age, it can be helpful to involve him in the process of establishing the household rules and setting consequences for breaking them. A child who feels included in the making of family rules will be more likely to respect them.”
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/882.html
Your comment is entirely the problem! Whatever publication you are quoting and promoting continues to introduce weak, entitled completely unprepared young adults into the world. Children need to learn, feel and experience consequence for their decisions and actions … that is the most important life lesson every parent needs to focus on. Every other area is more easily absorbed when consequence is established.
This is garbage. Kids can’t handle things these days. It’s bad enough that the public schools have lowered their standards. Funny how many kids are straight A students, but they really aren’t.
I’m an adult diagnosed with ADHD at age 5 and major depression at age 34. I’m also a married father of four and a board-certified physician on the faculty of a very prestigious university hospital. ADHD doesn’t have to derail your son any more than it did me. How did my parents keep it from turning into an insurmountable obstacle? They recognized that the world wasn’t going to lower its standards for behavior and responsibility just because I have ADHD, so they held me to the same standards as my three non-ADHD siblings. They tied unacceptable behavior to unpleasant consequences, made it clear that they were in charge and didn’t work for me (“this isn’t a democracy, it’s a benevolent dictatorship,” my dad used to say), and they let me fall flat in my face when I forgot assignments or obligations. They once called my school and demanded that I be put in detention when I’d overslept and been tardy a few times. They made me walk to school in the rain when I missed my ride. They made me do my own laundry, clean my own room, and pitch in to a rotation of chores before I could enjoy TV or video game time. They made me earn my own money for the non-necessity items I wanted. In other words, they held me to the same standard they did my siblings — the standards the world would demand of me when I became an adult. And it worked. I learned how to anticipate and account for my weaknesses, and I developed reminders and lifehacks to compensate for them. As a result, I’ve enjoyed an unbroken record if academic success and a vibrant, rewarding medical career, as well as a happy and fulfilling family life.
To put it succinctly, my parents were patient but demanding. They helped me learn the skills I needed, and then they made it clear that my success or failure would be based on my willingness or refusal to use those skills. Help your son understand what my parents taught me. The world doesn’t care if he has ADHD, it cares about whether he can still be a functional and productive adult.
I could have been your parent for I raised my four children exactly the same as your parents raised you. They are all productive, caring, contributing members of society today. If they weren’t my children I would have chosen them to be my friends.
God bless you and your parents!
I rarely reply to comments but just want to commend you for your accomplishments and for speaking honestly. I teach in post-secondary and just today got down on myself because I felt maybe I was being too harsh on one of my students. She’s diagnosed with ADHD and some bi-polar tendencies. She’s also eight weeks away from an internship with a prestigious employer, and still making mistakes following instructions and submitting quality work. I spoke to her firmly but fairly, explaining that she had to do better to come across as polished and professional during her internship. I later told a colleague and she felt I should be easier on the student because of her condition. But my feeling is future employers aren’t going to treat her differently! They may try to be more accommodating but the work still needs to be done to a specific standard. Your comments reassured me that being patient but demanding is the right approach. There are SO many students in post-secondary that have “problems” and too often they become a crutch, a crutch we are encouraged to accommodate…and accommodate…and accommodate. We’ve followed these same rules with our boys and it’s working. At times, we’ve felt like the mean parents but letting them stand on their own feet – with kindness and love – is the best gift you can give. Thanks for sharing Mike.
Amen!!! Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We need more parents like yours! We must love our children enough to raise them with expectations for their behavior and success. I observe too many parents who use a child’s disability as an excuse, even to include the parents’ behavior. We aren’t doing our children any favors using this type of parenting…or lack thereof.
Kudos to your parents for raising a self-sufficient, proactive member of society. Congratulations to you for embracing their teachings and putting in the effort to overcome life’s challenges!
I cannot imagine a better life view and a better gift for your parents to have given you. Clearly it has shaped your success. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m an adult diagnosed with ADHD at age 5. I’m also a married father of four and a board-certified physician on the faculty of a very prestigious university hospital. ADHD doesn’t have to derail your son any more than it did me. How did my parents keep it from turning into an insurmountable obstacle? They recognized that the world wasn’t going to lower its standards for behavior and responsibility just because I have ADHD, so they held me to the same standards as my three non-ADHD siblings. They tied unacceptable behavior to unpleasant consequences, made it clear that they were in charge and didn’t work for me (“this isn’t a democracy, it’s a benevolent dictatorship,” my dad used to say), and they let me fall flat in my face when I forgot assignments or obligations. They once called my school and demanded that I be put in detention when I’d overslept and been tardy a few times. They made me walk to school in the rain when I missed my ride. They made me do my own laundry, clean my own room, and pitch in to a rotation of chores before I could enjoy TV or video game time. They made me earn my own money for the non-necessity items I wanted. In other words, they held me to the same standard they did my siblings — the standards the world would demand of me when I became an adult. And it worked. I learned how to anticipate and account for my weaknesses, and I developed reminders and lifehacks to compensate for them. As a result, I’ve enjoyed an unbroken record if academic success and a vibrant, rewarding medical career, as well as a happy and fulfilling family life.
To put it succinctly, my parents were patient but demanding. They helped me learn the skills I needed, and then they made it clear that my success or failure would be based on my willingness or refusal to use those skills. Help your son understand what my parents taught me. The world doesn’t care if he has ADHD, it cares about whether he can still be a functional and productive adult.
Yes!
Your son has executive function difficulties and NEEDS the supports. It’s just the way it is with ADHD. What take a neuro typical person 5 times to learn, it can take an ADHD person 500 times to learn. It’s a difference in how the brain functions. The sink or swim approach simply doesn’t work for them. I have 3 kids with it and it’s frustrating but their needs are different. Hard wired ADHD is not an excuse or crutch, they are at a disadvantage and the proper supports will help them. Good luck..
Thank you!
I love this and everything about it! Way to go momma!! Excellent parenting!
As I read your blog I though, wow, she’s kind of tough on her kids. Then I realized that I do at least half the stuff you do and my child is only 2 years old. My daughter cleans up her own room, puts her dishes and bowls in the sink, feeds the dogs, helps with laundry, hands me all school paperwork personally. I am raising her to be an adult not a lifelong child. I’m glad I’m on the right track!
What a beautiful gift your parents gave to you!! Thank you for giving to everyone else!!!
I did the very same things with my daughter. She helped with little things as soon as she was able (wiping low cupboards, picking up, helping make salads when she was 3 or 4, helping to stir food for meals, folding washcloths, etc.). She is 15 now and a straight-A student with a great sense of responsibility.
All the work you do with them when they are little really pays off in the long run.
“I am raising her to be an adult not a lifelong child.”
That is probably one of the BEST statements, related to the goals of parenting, that I have EVER read! ❤
PERFECT DESCRIPTION! ????
Thank you! ????
I absolutely love this! I am 33 yrs old and I have a 7 yr old son that I am working with constantly to do things for himself. I was raised with parents that always called me smart and capable, so they put a lot of responsibility on me at a very young age and I too filled out my own paperwork and did homework alone and met with my teachers. They didnt make breakfast or deliver forgotten items either. And i made it through alright. I resented it a bit when I was younger but now I see it made me an even more capable adult. My son will be the same because he needs to learn to survive on his own out there. Thank you for making me feel no guilt for wanting him to be more responsible and independent.
Just start small. When my children were young, they had to call the video store and reserve the movie before I would go pick it up. They rode their bike 6 blocks to get their hair cut with the proper payment and instructions about how to tip. As they were older, they had their sports/school calendar in a planner (pre- cell phones) and were responsible for scheduling orthodontist appointments, etc. Their laundry also became their responsibility around middle school. Be ready for push back, but I have three wonderful, responsible adult children that I couldn’t be prouder of.
Who are you to tell someone how to raise their kids?! How dare you! I will continue doing most of the things you’ve listed here… My kids are wonderful and know I’m going to go above and beyond for them! If my son texts me from school and asked me to bring something to him he’s forgotten I’m going to do just that if I’m able! As a matter of fact, when I leave work in a few hours I’m taking him his shoes and water for band practice because he forgot and I forgot to remind him this morning.
Mommy isn’t always going to be there to pick up the pieces when they forget things in the real world. The author is simply suggesting we begin raising our children to be completely responsible for their actions and let natural consequences teach them not to forget and to be more responsible. I bet if you didnt take your son his stuff he would be more likely to remember them next time.
You dont have to be that cruel to teach responsibility! And, I agree that you dont have the right to tell anybody these things or make them feel guilty for making their kids lunch etc.
Each child is different and has different needs and help….your advice would not help some kids but instead cause loss of self esteem and self worth.
I know of many many grown adults that are very reaponsible citizens, parents etc whose mother made them lunch everydAy for school .
As an adult, if I’m pulling out and I realize I forgot something for work, I can and will easily turn the car around and go back and get it. Especially if I am in the driveway. Heck, in the driveway I’ll just stop the car, run in and get it. Making the kid suffer because you refused to let them get the item is cruel and teaching them about exercising power over them, not how to be an adult.
I can see the argument about the cell phone, but the gym uniform when I was in junior high and high school counted the same as cutting class (or in other classes forgetting your homework).
As for bringing forgotten items to school, as an adult I can get in my car and drive home if I forgot something like a report or even my glasses. As a kid who does not have their own transportation with them, they cannot take this option. I have gone home to get my glasses or to get an important file that had instructions I needed to do my job (like a cheat sheet of what image to use for what system that is too complicated and changes too often to memorize).
I can understand if you are at work and can’t leave without risking your own job, but when I was in college a few times my own mother called and asked me to bring something she forgot. I’ve asked her to bring something important to work once or twice as well (she has the spare keys to my place and I still have the house keys she gave me as a kid to her home).
The kids at school can’t drive and as such do not have the option to go home and get the item. That is an important difference from “preparing them to be an adult”. Everybody forgets things once in a while. You are teaching them to be cruel and not sympathize with others or lend a helping hand in such circumstances, but teaching them to just smugly say “You should have been better prepared. Next time double check to make sure you have everything before you leave.”
* * *
As for the breakfast and lunches, I agree about not making the kid’s lunches when they are old enough, however breakfast was cooked for the entire family and served for everyone, much like dinner.
* * *
Finally, on the subject of waking the kid up, my mother got me an alarm clock in 2nd grade. Actually, I’m still using that clock/radio today over 30 years later. However there were times when she did get me out of bed. One time somehow the volume got turned way down on it and I naturally slept through it. She got me up when I did not emerge. Another time there was a 56 hour power outage from a huge storm and the backup battery failed. Our cat got my mother up and demanded to be fed, and she had to wake both me and my father as our alarms did not work.
Thank you C. Duncan!!
C. Duncan should not be thanked. Read the replies below. She is doing it wrong. I’ve seen the outcome of C. Duncan’s method for decades and it isn’t pretty. We don’t know all the right ways to raise children but we do know the wrong ways and C. Duncan’s way is wrong. I am a voice of experience for I have raised 4 kids to be 4 adults who positively contribute to society.
It’s not a demand that you raise your children like this. It’s a suggestion because we don’t want to have to put up with the adult children who have a sense of entitlement. “I’m not going to worry about this because mom will be there to do it for me.” “I’m not going to take the blame for this because, after all, mom forgot to remind me.” Better go wipe your child’s butt because that’s exactly what you’re in for if you keep enabling the entitlement mentality.
Not true
I’m with you C Duncan. Every child is different. My first two were raised with these expectations and they benefitted from it. My third is a different child. He is maturing at a different pace. I am not going to defend him with a diagnosis. I am obviously (from number 1 and 2) capable of raising kids the way the article recommends. However, number 3 – I AM HIS MOTHER and resent any judgement on my decisions to parent him in the way that I strongly believe will work best for him. I will say, I didn’t take the article to be too pushy, some good suggestions but some of these posts are rude and mean(Justanothermom, tiffani, skip, steph), or a know-it-all (joannh,sallyyork – I may not know what is best for your kids but please don’t be so arrogant to tell me what is best for each of mine.) ldybg81, skip and sallyyork, you’re not much better than k, Thank you to everyone else for your suggestions, related experiences.
Oh for crying out loud, I wiped my son’s butt for years. You know what it got me? A child who knows how to wipe properly, and underwear that NEVER had poop stains. They all wipe their own butts eventually.
Right??? Oh my gosh, how right you are!!! Those kids that are hovered over are the same kids that I see on a daily basis, that when something ‘goes wrong’ in their school or work life, they are the ones that play the blame game, make excuses, it was someone or something’s fault! They have not been taught how to take ownership of their own mistakes and how to correct them because mommy or daddy ‘fixed’ their poor heartbroken baby’s problems for them while growing into an adult. My fourth child is fourteen, believe me, it’s not a cakewalk! My three older children, once they started working, thanked me for teaching them simple skills as sweeping and washing dishes. Their comments were ‘you wouldn’t believe how bad some of their co-workers lack of know-how and responsibilty were! Here’s a shout out to all my responsibilty teaching parents out there. Here’s something else I teach as a parent, are you ready, helicopters? Choices have consequences, everyday, good, or bad, everyday.
Thank you! I’ve worked in schools for 16 years. It’s amazing what parents do for their kids on a daily basis, enabling them to be dependent for the rest of their lives. Let them learn a little disappointment in age-appropriate things so that they can handle the junk life is going to throw at them later. A kid who forgets his lunch is not going to starve to death after missing one meal. A late grade on a paper will not keep him out of college. Expecting someone else to pick up the slack all the time will cost him his job, his marriage…raise independent adults–you’re not always going to be there.
All you are doing is raising more coddled, spoiled brats. You are in no way helping them by doing everything for them. How are they going to learn responsibility and to be held accountable for their actions? These kids nowadays have a sense of entitlement and expect things to be handed to them. You are their enabler and you are allowing them to take advantage of you and to expect you will always be there when they mess up. They need to learn to problem solve, to take accountability for their actions and not be so dependant on you. If you want your kids to be strong, responsible and independent adults than you need to start backing off.
Wow. You will raise an entitled, dependent little brat who will be absolutely unequipped to deal with the real world. His bosses and work won’t pick up where you left off!
Being a helicopter Mom is not helping children to mature and take responsibility for their existence .
Sadly you will see the consequences of your over parenting when they fail at college, jobs and marriages later. They need to learn the consequences of their slacking (and their responsible choices)…trust us be also were young parents once. Read more about it, research…
My husband believes in hands-off parenting because he was also parented in a hands-off way. He left me to do all the work, talked me out of my career when he was making more money and his job mandated that he move (my career was an immobile one). To keep the family together, I did move. And my independent, learn to do things for himself husband decided he needed to “think of himself for a change” and left the family for a young European women. No regrets, no apologies. So, yeah—that hands-off, learn how to take care of yourself parenting really raised an upstanding young man. There’s no right way to do it. Everyone’s different and anyone can grow up to be an entitled, self-centered narcissist.
Guess he’s going to live with you forever.
Good luck getting him out of your basement at 35 years old.
Yes! Totally agree.
Although I have one friend that delivers take-out food for lunch to her three kids in three school (high school, middle school and elementary) EVERY day. Now that’s nuts!
Dear god lady she isn’t telling anybody HOW to raise there children she is simply stating how she was raised & is raising her children & why she is doing so…she is simple offer her opinion (which everyone is entitled to there own opinion) of what she thinks will help our kids come better more responsible adults!!!! She never stated anywhere that ALL PARENTS have to do this!!! You can write your own article about how you think people should parent there children…I’m sure some parents will agree with you & some will agree with her either way your comment was rude and uncalled for…if you don’t agree then move on you there was no need to judge her and act like she was trying to for us all parents to do this!!!! By the way I agree with this lady however my sister is more like you…in my opinion each to there own…I don’t judge my sister she is a wonderful mother but just because I parent different than her doesn’t make me a bad parent!!! You have to teach your children responsibility if you don’t when they get out in this cruel world as an adult they will be lost & the sad but true fact is mommy & daddy will not always be there to hold your hand!!!
I guess we were more like C Duncan except I wouldn’t be so vehement as to tell Amy “how dare you…”–if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that parenting is rarely black and white. Each of us does what feels right for their own family. My husband just loved being involved with our three kids in the mornings (I did not) until they all went away to college–getting them up, telling them if he knew where that misplaced item was, and making food before driving them to school. While we did a lot for our kids, in fact many of the things you advise not to, we always reminded them that this doesn’t last forever, and frequently we just got things done together as a team. Deliveries of forgotten homework etc. were made on occasion IF it wasn’t a recurring problem, if the request was polite, and if it was convenient for us, otherwise too bad. They were happy for the help and reduced stress. Once in college, they transitioned without much problem to simply getting it all done on their own. They seemed to know instinctively that it’s no longer appropriate for us to be involved. All of them remained friends with their freshman roommates so I can’t imagine they were all that bratty, lazy or demanding.
I know it’s easy to conclude that we are doormats and any child raised this way will turn into an entitled mess, but my kids do laundry, plan and cook their own meals, manage to a budget, clean their own dorms/apartments, get great reviews from their summer and part-time employers (and get asked back to these jobs), and get on well with others, all while getting good grades in school and being involved in really interesting extracurriculars. Even in high school, we helped with homework when asked (by junior or senior year this hardly ever happened), and each of them is now succeeding in college by working hard and taking advantage of resources at the school, not by getting us involved in any way. And no we don’t email professors (or even know their names for that matter) or bird dog their college grades one bit).
That’s what worked for our family. I always enjoy reading about how other families get through the journey of parenthood.
Great response Michelle! Yes, it is interesting to read how others are parenting and doing life together. There is absolutely not any one-size-fits-all method for sure. I like your mention that you got things done as a team, which is the key! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my post!
This sounds a lot like the way we raised our kids. End result? My daughter made sergeant in just 3 years in the Army, and when she got out earned 2 Bachelors degrees and a masters in 4 years. The first bachelors was earned by going to 2 local colleges and a 3rd school at night for a total off 33 credit hrs in a semester.
My son went in the Army for special forces. I don’t think an occasional errand on their behalf hurt them at all.
I’m sure his employer will thank you when he’s older. As a teacher, I had students say, “My mom forgot my homework.” I would say, “Whose homework?” Then I would remind them that their mom’s work is her responsibility and their work was theirs.
And you think all of this makes you a great mom. Pat yourself on the back, because no one else will.
WOW NANCY! A blog is basically for someone to post their ideas , suggestions, and what has worked for them , or not ; or to journal their journey in this life!
I am a Mom of six, plus 2 DILs, 2 SILs, and 11 grandkids. I have a daughter in college that has done very well academically , and such ; tested as gifted. I also have a special needs/ medically fragile child, and a special needs grandchild.
I love all my kids and grandkids of course ; and though the suggestions in this article may not work as well for some kids, and may need tailored some to each families particular situation ; overall I agree with Amy ; and it is a good article!!
So I Am Patting Her On The Back, and Yes , I Think She Is A Great Mom!!
If you’re lucky, this won’t backfire on you eventually and your child will turn out to be a responsible adult. If you’re not so fortunate, you’ll eventually have an adult child who can’t handle their own life and takes no responsibility for it. I work with high school students and have seen both results. A lot of the moms I know who covered over any possible bump in the road for their child have lived to regret it deeply. There can be life long issues from not teaching personal responsibility before kids leave home.
Wow! No one made you read this post.
If you feel it doesn’t apply or it is not how you want to do, please stop reading it. But if something in it is helpful, do that part. You are not a captive audience. Just move along to something else. But being rude to the author is not acceptable no matter how much you may disagree.
I have followed a very similar approach to teaching children responsibility. I did make an exception for taking forgotten items to school. My children knew it was not my job. It was there job to remember. However, if that child had been being very responsibility in pother areas, I did make exceptions. Making exceptions does carry the risk that you then have someone depending on others to do their job. That is why it was made clear in the beginning and whenever I did recuse them, that I did it out of kindness not our of responsibility.
In our family the reality was not just that we could function independently, but that we were also inter-dependent. My husband and I felt that a degree of inter-dependence was a good thing. We felt it helped teach that your family did have your back so to speak.
On a side note, my twin daughters did have a friend whose mother micro-managed to such an extend that when she went to college, she knew how to do very little on her own. My daughters made the arrangements for her to take the shuttle bus from her college campus to Salt Lake City once (a distance of 200 miles), but while she was here for Thanksgiving, they taught her how to do that on her own.
Kids need to know how to do a whole bunch of things. Parent must teach, model and encourage. But some of our best learning comes from our failures not our successes.
Thank you for reading and commenting Ann! I love how you say your family members are interdependent. I totally agree that family is about having one another’s backs. I wrote the post as an absolute because I have to, but obviously we have grace in all areas with our kids. Have a great day!
The rudeness of your reply tells me that all is not well with you or your children. Life doesn’t give us servants trailing after us. Thou and all of us deserve a higher purpose than only finding meaning in rescuing our children. Kids will grow up and leave. Find something fulfilling for your life that includes loving and caring for your children but isn’t solely based on giving meaning to you when you save them from mistakes and do for them what they can and should be doing for themselves.
Helicopter parent! Maybe you could get a job at your childs school so they will never have to be responsible for themselves.
This lady(author) sounds a lil lazy to me…yeah I get it don’t baby them, but they are kids still learning…..plus the experience of helping them to grow is only going to happen once….it’s ok to get in there and help them out but always explain to them consequences for irresponsibility….don’t be lazy parents
Your reply makes no sense & is very rude and arrogant…how are you gonna do everything for them, but “explain to them there are consequences” ?!? That’s ludacris & a total oxymoron LMAO!!! How are they possibly going to know what consequence are if they don’t ever actually experience them?!? That sounds much more lazy than the author of this post!! LMAO…let us know how that works when they all you to bail them outta jail – if they even figure out how! Baahahaha…rude, judgmental people just amaze me
Your prerogative! It’s just that some parents realize that doing these things over and over actually enables your kids to keep forgetting. I have a one-time rule. I’ll bring the phone/charger/homework one time. I will then tell her it’s the last time I’ll do it. Guess what? It’s never happened again. My daughter did laundry in grade 4, is able to her own food (I do most of the cooking but she’s more than capable), and she is learning to pick herself up and do better when she gets a bad grade, without me complaining to the school about how hard the test was.
I now struggle with stage 4 cancer and I am unable to do many of the things I used to. Boy am I glad I taught her, because she is a wonderful help to me and at age 13, she’s really proud of herself for doing it, at a time when many girls struggle with their abilities and self confidence.
This is just how I do things…but my belief is that I’m raising an adult, not a very tall child.
And sadly, your child will become another entitled adult who blames society every time he fails. He will never feel the satisfaction of learning and earning many of life’s most precious skills…because Mommy did it for him.
You are simply raising your child…to forever be a child! And when Mommy can’t “fix it” or isn’t around anymore to do it for him…guess who gets to “fix it” now?!? WE DO! The society that you were entrusted to raise your child to become a productive part of…now WE get to support the child YOU failed! Simply because he was never given the opportunity to learn to do anything for himself.
YOU are exactly the type of parent NO ONE should be taking advice from!
I am a 52 year old female and I can tell you that when you come home from school and your bed is made dirty clothes pick up all you do is homework play and get a bath (when your told) and go to bed (when you are told) get up (when you are told). You get married and wonder why is all this not done for me. It took me 7 yrs to get into getting everything done and I hated it (still hate it). It did not take me long to figure out that my mother worked herself to death on 3 boys and a girl, she was a stay at home mom, I had to work and complete all the things she did to and not learning it early made it so much harder to learn. When my boys were toddlers they were to pick up their own toys ( if you can get it out you can put it up) when they learned to dress themselves I was a proud mama but my mother was my babysitter and she would tell me I was so mean for doing them poor babies that way. It took twices as long to get ready to go anywhere lol. but with patience they learn what had to be done before we could go anywhere. I would get up put biscuits in the oven and my oldest son then 13 would get them out eat clean up after himself. My youngest son ate at school he was like me can’t eat when you first get up. as teens they learned to cook do hard cleaning and work at our lawnserves for their spending money. Today my oldest is married with 2 children when he first got married he and his wife would fight (she was raised like me) once I got him to understand she was not taught this as a child we made her list and taped them inside her kitchen cabinets what to do on monday’s and each day. She is now working a full time job and they work together to get things done around the house both kids are in sports so you know they are not home much so it takes both working together and the kids doing things also to get it all done. My youngest son lives alone cooks cleans takes care of gro shopping and they both have told me after all we went through with my daughter in law they are so glad they were taught all this stuff when they were little. Last but not lease I got my step son full time when he was 14 and Ole boy he couldn’t do anything for himself. It was a very hard row but we plowed it and he also has a wife and child and they are doing great. Sometime when he was to clean his room I would have to go in set on the end of the bed and ask where does that go you need to put this up what about this he came from a house that was so piled up it had little trails to get around the house. He had a very hard time even seeing things needed to be put up.
I never will forget our lives and the stress it took to get there. I can say I am a very proud mother of 3 of the best man in the world. So very proud that I know they can make it on their own after mama leaves this earth. If I had not had such a hard time learning to be an adult I probably would have not done any of this. It all worked out in the end. I can say from experience please teach your kids to take care of themselves early. Its so hard to learn new habits when you grown.
Thank you Pamela for sharing your journey! To me there is never harm in having kids learn to help themselves. It can only benefit them in the long run, as long as we parents are emotionally connecting with our kids in other ways!
Oh boy, I’m in trouble. I have a 12 and 14 year old that I wake daily, make breakfast and lunch, do their laundry, bring them stuff they forget. I hit them all. I realize I do way too much! At their age I was doing all of this and more. And I didn’t do it I suffered the consequences! Time to start thinking like my parents! Kids are getting more lazy and parents like me aren’t helping. Thanks for sharing the article!
Your exact response was why I wrote this. I’m so happy that many people are reading this post for what it is and letting it perhaps inspire them instead of taking it as a personal attack. We are all free to raise our kids as we feel best! Thank you Eileen for reading and commenting!
Amy I am so fascinated by this subject matter because I was raised the polar opposite. I was a latch key kid with an alcoholic mother so I fended for myself out of necessity. I wouldn’t recommend that type of parenting at all! But now I’m a stay at home mom with one child and I have time to do it all…but I won’t. I love your point of view!
It’s not easy to admit our faults, especially when it comes to parenting. I, too, read this article and realized that I do more than I should for my 10 year old son. I’m pretty sure Amy’s intent with this article was to help us realize little ways we can all be better parents…she isn’t demanding we all parent “her way,” as some of the readers have interpreted it.
As parents, we are always learning and I feel encouraged by the article, your reply, and some of the other great comments! ????
Thank you, Ashley, for reading and for all of your positive comments! I love that my writing has encouraged you to think differently in your parenting journey. That is my only desire as I write from my perspective on mothering five kiddos. Keep spreading your love and positivity!
I did 1,2,4, and 6 until my son left home for college and would gladly do it all over again!! He’s successful: graduated college, been very successful in the business world, is married w/family and a very loving father!! I don’t think my “mothering stifled him!!
I agree with you Bonnie. I feel like parenting is too much trouble for most of the people that have responded here. My “kids” are 21 and 24. My husband and I did many of these things for them and do not regret it at all!! My husband and I both grew up in single parent households. We wanted to make sure our kids knew that both of their parents were/are always supporting them.
Excellent comment! You can learn to wash clothes, you can learn to be on time, etc. But I never want my son to doubt that I am here. To love him, to teach him AND to support him. I locked my keys in my car three times in one week – it happens. I’m so glad my husband went out of his way to let me in. It’s part of being human and if I can I will bring my child his forgotten item.
Also, just to add my circumstantial evidence: my mom made both my hot breakfast and lunch every day. She brought anything I had forgotten when needed. She stood up for me against some “authority figures” who were also bullies. I never once doubted that, thought the world may fail me, I could always count on my mom. I was in the National Honor Society in HS (among other things), I graduated with a bachelors in nursing, I’m in a stable and happy marriage, I am a well adjusted and happy adult. So don’t be afraid to stand up for, to love on, and to mother your children with ample grace.
Emily Keaveny, Reality check. This is the time the car leaves. If you are not ready, you do not go to school, and I do not write you a note. The 17 yo does not have the power to make the 7 yo late for school.
Each parent knows their own child/ren best, and hopefully challenges them appropriately; but I love this effort to bring up responsible, accountable humans! It’s NOT easy – but neither is being unhappy. And it seems to me that irresponsible adults often are not happy.
As a teacher, I very much appreciate students advocating for themselves. But no profession lacks for non-professional behavior. Please be sure to check with your children and back them up if they can show you that they have made good effort. They also need to learn how to work with people not handling THEIR responsibilities appropriately – hopefully to a successful resolution.
If he has ANY phone, game system, handheld gizmo, BURN THEM IMMEDIATELY. I so am not kidding. My eldest has been a straight A student all his life. My second got so hooked on gaming at such a young age, and before the very real dangers of it were understood, that it has caused very real learning issues plaguing him his whole life. The voices in that “other world” block us, and teachers, completely out. He is, not bragging, brilliant, but lives in his own world. Like any obsession, it takes over your life.
I would like to say to all here I did most of the things on the list for my son for longer than most would do. Hot meal on the table every school mourning. (They did have chores) My oldest when off to collage and is doing very well with taking care of himself. They figure it out …some sooner than others. When he’s home from collage I stil do his wash and cook for him sometimes. I love to be able to do things for my two boys. When your child’s day starts at 5:45 and they don’t get home till just after six it’s nice to have a helping hand or a hot meal to get your day started. They grow up fast enough. I say spoil them… but not too much.
You’re a great Mom is why you think like that! Kids can always use our help! Don’t listen to lazy advice above!
I am trying to respond to her actual post but might only be responding to your comment? Parents these days are so mean! This article is awful.. do I judge you.. absolutely! Don’t make excuses for being lazy and not helping your children! I hate when parents try to make their kids be adults when they’re not! Pretending you’re preparing them for the world instead of just saying you don’t want to do everyday things.. like making breakfast for a 14 year old!! Lazy parents trying to pretend little or big kids need to get ready for the real world.. sorry if your 14 year old child forgets their project and you’re home then bring it to them jerk!! As an adult if I forget something at home that I need for work I race home and get it! I call my husband if h ishike to please bring it? As a parent if you are home get in your car and drive it there! I hate that everyone thinks bringing a child their project at 10 is going to impact how they treat their job when their 30!! I hate that this mom wrote this article to defend herself Beacuse she’s lazy and others agree with her!! No reason a Mom cannot cook her kids a nice breakfast other than she’s selfish and lazy!! Trying to pawn it off as my child needs to learn how to fend for themselves is a cop out! My mom did so much for me growing up and when I started college 1000 Mike’s away at 18 I figured it all out!!
Hey no need to be so harsh. We are all entitled to our point of view and name calling isn’t necessary. It doesn’t help you make your point it just sounds mean.
You adopted an older child? My guess is he will challenge your rules about what you will and won’t do for him. Just my speculation from our experience adopting 4 older children.
Good luck.
So what do you do when they don’t get themselves up on time? Is there a form of reinforcement or discipline tool? Because you as the parent are legally responsible to ensure they show up to school
Please work with the therapist to find age and cognitively appropriate ways to introduce these challenges if you’re not sure what true capacity is. Your OT/SLP will most likely be thrilled to be able to have something to team up with you on that moves the kiddo forward to independence. 🙂 Good luck and keep trying! Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.
“Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.”
Wow, i have truly, never heard that before. That statement really grabbed me and speaks volumes. Thank you for posting it.
Me too!!
DITTO!!!! I LOVE that!! I love lil quotes like that! Thank you!!
LOVE “Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.”
Agree… not every child is the same. I don’t agree with total independence.
So, at what point do you expect them to be independent?
If you don’t push for total independence then they will always expect you to jump in and help them. My husband is almost 60 and still relies on my father to do things for him and his mother to do things for him that he is afraid to do for himself. I tried as his wife to make him the independent man and his mother blamed me for everything he lacked as a grown up. Don’t let that happen to your child’s spouse . The spouse isn’t suppose to take the role of mommy or daddy. BTW my father is 91. He has lived with us for 31 years…. the same length of time we have been married. At the request of my husband not me.
I will not make excuses for my children but I believe some of these listed are a parents job (purpose). This is not stay at home vs working parents but being a parent. Teens are going thru so many changes that if we take hands off approach they may get the idea too soon they don’t need parents at all. If you want to make them do things then stand with them and use this time as a sharing not I taught you now it’s your job. My children are grown and some things in life they will learn no matter what. Mine are all potty trained and know how to fold their undies to boot. Haha
Thoroughly enjoy the failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.
F.A.I.L-First attempt at learning
E.N.D-Effort Never Dies
N.O-Next Opportunity
I totally agree with this, I have 5 kids and for the last 4 plus years, a single Mom. There is no way we could function as a family or team unit, if everyone doesn’t pull their own weight! My worries are how to provide enough and keep the electricity turned on, most of the rest has to be up to them.
Correction- F.A.I.L– First Attempt In* Learning
Amy, work with therapist to find ways to help him manage his abilities. Perhaps he needs routine(the same thing everyday, even weekends) , perhaps checklist, make your child part of planning these.
My boys are both add or ADHD.. it can be done.. you can do it. We used trial and error for both boys. It took us awhile to get it so don’t give up..
My grandson lives with me. He started kindergarten this year and before school started I took him to pick out his own alarm clock. He felt like a big boy! He didn’t know I could wake him up….that was HIS alarm clocks job…..start em young. They’ll make better people.
Good advice on starting them young Diana! Your grandson is a lucky guy!
HELP! My third daughter(13) is SUCH a sound sleeper! She sleeps through the alarm clock, the alarm on the phone, I’m not certain she wouldn’t sleep through a train barreling through our house. I need ideas/advice on what could help to get her up in the mornings. My 15 year old daughter always gets up on her own, she’s always been good about that but not my 13 year old…thanks in advance for any help you could give me
Hi Heather! I experience the same thing as you with our 13 year old daughter on many mornings. If I need to go in there and lift the shade and wake her a couple mornings in a row, then I say to her that she’s obviously not getting enough sleep so she’s going to have to go to bed earlier if she’s sleeping so sound to not hear her alarm. That seems to work for us, until it doesn’t again and then we have her go to bed earlier again. We are for sure going to have to help wake up certain kids here and there. It’s not realistic to expect perfection every day! It’s making sure that having to wake them is not a daily habit that they’ve just come to rely on. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Heather just for safety sake…she may have sleep apnea. It is worth looking into. It can be quite harmful if not treated. I have sleep apnea and no of kids in school who have it.
As a teenager, I was impossible to wake up… I bought the loudest alarm clock available and would put it across the room from my bed (requiring me to get out of bed to turn it off). I actually had 2 clocks — set about 15 minutes apart and placed in 2 separate locations in my room. And while that worked most days, there were a few occasions where I was doused with water to wake me up… probably frowned upon now but it did work. I always made sure I got 8 hours of sleep (anything less was an even bigger nightmare to wake me up) But my college roommates were given the instruction (by me) to pour water on me if I didn’t wake up to my alarm. As an adult, I no longer have those issues but for some reason as a teen, it was different. They say a teen’s brain chemistry is different.
There is an app called Sleep Cycle that wakes you up during the time you are sleeping more lightly and it makes it much easier to wake up.
You’re right, I gave an alarm clock to my daughter in kindergarten. I still checked in if she was not awake a couple of times before I let her learn the hard way. She started doing her laundry by 11. She knows her bedtime. And follows the rules. She is 14 and a freshman. I’m not telling her about the grades. I just check to make sure it’s getting turned in on time.
Yes! I have 11yr old triplets and we started by teach big simple things when they were 4 -5 years old. Things like just. Leading their own spot at the table, unloading dishes or loading them. Helping put clothes away. My crew at 11 do their own breakfast and lunch daily, get clothes out and dressed, wash dishes and clothes, sweep, trash and many other things. They know the schedule when they get off the bus. If you start when they are little and increase it as they grow it is a HUGE help than just starting to expect things at 12.
Yes! I, too, started letting mine take on responsibility early so that all of this comes pretty natural to them now in high school. Perhaps it’s out of necessity having triplets? Thanks so much for reading and sharing Angel! Go triplet Mommas!
Perhaps he could have a chalk boad/white board, where he, or you, could write what he needs to remember. Then, if he needs a PE kit on Thursday say, you could get him to mark it up. He then a would check the board before bed to prepare & before leaving for school. That way it’s his responsibility to record, prepare & check. Gradually preparing him for when he’s older and a diary would suffice !!
Love this comment! My husband and I also bought alarm clocks for our girls when they went to kindergarten as a “big girl” thing to have. This was suggested in the parenting guide we had followed in other areas…excellent advice by Dr. James Dobson. It worked like a charm and they always got themselves up for school!
Try lists. My 9 year old son has pretty severe ADHD combined type, and he needs lists to get things done, but he is fully capable of DOING all those things. Sit down with him and ask, “what are the things you have to do to get ready to walk out the door in the morning? What do you need to accomplish when you get home so that you can enjoy free time?” Then have him list them out. Laminate it, give him a dry erase or sharpie (both clean off easy) and he can check things off each day.
I have a pretty severe ADHD kid as well. He also has sensory processing issues and anxiety. There is something’s I don’t expect him to do because of the sensory issues(he can’t stand to get food on his hands especially when cleaning up dirty dishes) so he unloads the clean dishes while the other two load. He also needs lists to complete things but now that he has the routine he can do it without it. He also knows his medicine isn’t the cause for him completing or not completing things. The medicine helps him make better choices but it is ultimately his choice.
Being only 8 and having behavioral issues I would limit the tasks he would need to be responsible for but I support starting now but in a progressive way rather than immediately after the family meeting.
I’d suggest starting with things around the house and build from there. Most children with behavioral issues are visual learners so follow up with something visual like a chart or pictures with words (the picture grabs the attention so he can be reminded with the words). Start off with maybe 2 things with a time limit on when he needs to master them on his own and stsrt off with easy things so he can k ow the feeling of accomplishment. Say remembering to take his dirty clothes to the laundry room once a week, say on Friday’s either before or after school. In the beginning remind him Mon & Wed that on Friday he needs to take his clothes to the laundry room. The visual can be a printed sign that has colorful clothes on it with the words Laundry on Fridays or something similar and posted somewhere he will see it daily. The first Friday if he doesn’t do it before school put a neon large star burst or something on the visual poster. If he fails on this first week you assist him in completing the task but with a consequence like helping you do a chore that way ya’ll have some one on one time and at the end of the chore remind him that next week you’re inky going to remind him on Wednesday and that he’ll have to do the extra chore by himself if he doesn’t remember. Once he asters this then keep this as part of his routine and either increase the responsibility or add another responsible with the time line and same scenario with the verbal reminders and visual aide.
Kids with behavior issues tend to do better when there is a routine. Once these are established as part of his routine he should do better. It’s hard to sometimes maintain and stick to your guns but if you do I’ll bet it will pay off. Also any adults in the home along with older kids (teens) need to be aware of what you’re trying to accomplish and be on board so that they don’t sabotage yours and your kids efforts.
Best of luck to you. It’s not always easy doing this parenting thing so give yourself a break if things don’t go as planned and if needed ask for help from a professional; that’s what they’re there for. And keep going until you find the best fit for you a d your kiddos.
This is a good idea, except I would start with one thing that’s done daily. It’s easier to establish a daily routine, then to try something that’s only once a week. Dealing with ADD myself, the reminders on Wednesday would leave 2 whole days to forget. For me, that would have caused more anxiety. I would want to do well, but would completely forget when the time came. This then leads to a snowball effect that would keep me down all week. Look for small accomplishments, but make them daily and then work towards the weekly tasks.
I loved this article!!! So many times people look at me like I’m a non caring mom because I refuse to baby my children . Once they hit middle school I started teaching them how to be responsible. It’s what my parents did with me and why I was able to an independent career driven woman, mother and wife. I want my kids to know responsibility and hard work as well as they can accomplish so much even without the help of mom and dad.
Yes Kikki! Trying to teach kids responsibility is not uncaring. It actually takes a lot of effort I think! Thanks for commenting!
My son has ADHD. He is 14 & I still have to remind him to put his bowl in the sink and I’m not his maid so put your clothes down the laundry shoot.
Up until he was 11ish I did make sure his homework was done. I did converse with his teachers to make sure he stayed on coarse. And I put $ in his account so he ate breakfast at school. I still ask him if he has any homework that needs to be finished or is due. But it is not my job to make sure he finishes it after the reminder.
It is perfectly fine to remind your child, which it seems we will do forever.
Being a helicopter mom is a completely different story.
We all have different ways of raising our children. What might work for one mom would never for another.
Keep up the great work
Very well said. Thank you!
Hi AmyRyb! Have you tried creating a to-do list or chore chart for him? I am a list maker–a skill I had to learn to help organize my scattered brain. After a recently venting to my husband about behavioral challenges I’ve been having with my soon-to-be-9 year old, he suggested maybe one of my famous lists would help her too. I created a chore chart to get her to focus on mastering certain skills a little at a time. You could try that, or even have your son make the list in a way that works best for him. And then attach some sort of natural consequence to it if the tasks aren’t completed on his own. For example, no device time until all tasks are complete. We wanted to implement an allowance system at our house, so our chart includes paid tasks that don’t get paid out unless the non-paid tasks are completed. There will be trial and error and it won’t happen overnight, but so far, my kids (I have another who is 6) feel empowered by accomplishing their tasks independently. I’m hopeful that I’m building the foundation now, so that when they get to be teens, I can follow Amy Carney’s advice here. Hope this helps and good luck!
Yes! You are exactly right that we should be slowly building a foundation for our kids to leave our home empowered and capable, in whatever way we feel works best. Thank you for reading and for your advice and comments!
When my (now grown) kids were young, I used to get shocked looks when I declared to my other parent-friends, “From the day my children arrived I have been preparing them to leave”. But it’s true. It’s our job as parents. My kids are all grown and are (mostly) on their own. I taught them life skills, didn’t do lunches or laundry, gave them cooking and cleaning jobs, and set (reasonable) expectations for language, civic duty, and educational merit. I didn’t hover over sports, grades, conflicts, nor did I interfere in their private lives, unless I felt they were in danger. I’m proud of that, not wistful that they are “gone”. I miss them sometimes, but I have my life and they have theirs, and I respect that.
When my (now grown) kids were young, I used to get shocked looks when I declared to my other parent-friends, “From the day my children arrived I have been preparing them to leave”. But it’s true. It’s our job as parents. My kids are all grown and are (mostly) on their own. I taught them life skills, didn’t do lunches or laundry, gave them cooking and cleaning jobs, and set (reasonable) expectations for language, civic duty, and educational merit. I didn’t hover over sports, grades, conflicts, nor did I interfere in their private lives, unless I felt they were in danger. I’m proud of that, not wistful that they are “gone”. I miss them sometimes, but I have my life and they have theirs, and I respect that.
That being said, each of my three children (of course) are very unique, and I worked very hard to individually manage their personalities, and came at parenting differently for each of them, for the greatest and most lasting impact.
Yes, I view this as healthy parenting myself. Balancing showing up for our kids while showing up in our own lives. Thank you for taking the time to comment Virginia!
Perhaps if you divide tasks into each step involved. Progress as he masters each step. Include why each step is important.
Be patient. One day you’ll look up and see your progress for both of you.
Best wishes.
I completely disagree. I have 3 boys that are independent. They make their own beds and cook when I’m not there but they appreciate what I do when I am. As a full time nurse I’m always on the run so I don’t always cook but they love it when I do. I help my 11 year old who has ADD study for tests. I wash their laundry but they put it up. They keep their rooms clean. I walk into their rooms and tell them good morning and it’s time to get up just as an alarm sounding would do. I am in their academic affairs because that is very important for their future. My oldest was missed for being inducted into the National honor society because a grade was not configured into his transcripts and I caught it a year later. So I believe if you don’t stand up for your own kids then no one will. I raise my kids as I was raised and my brothers and I are all productive. They truly know that I expect what they are capable of and that I love them. There is no certain way to parent, each child is different and requires to be raised different. It’s the hardest job of all.
I agree with you! We all need help and love. The Golden Rule applies: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Agreed. You have to be your child’s advocate when they have ADD or a learning disability and coach them slowly and in the right direction giving them as much independence and responsibility as possible at a time.
With my children’s behavior issues, I have found that having a routine is assistive. Begin with adding one change to that (at eight, after doing homework it goes into their backpack for school the next day) when this is complete and becomes a habit, helping with dinner, making their bed, helping with laundry, etc. Or even making sure they have the proper outerwear for school was on our list. If you forgot it, you were cold. ( obviously not in below zero weather!) But you get the idea. It takes effort on the parents part, but there are natural consequences to every decision good and bad.
First: I know I don’t know all there is to know to make a fully informed decision about what you should do.
Second: I do know enough to recommend what you should not do. Do not continue to do everything the same as you have been and expect different results. It will not happen. For you to expect it will reveals insanity on your part and that you are a bigger part of the problem than is your boy.
Third: Do not allow your fears to prevent you from making the changes in your behavior and expectations of him you think might be for his long-term benefit.
Fourth: He can handle much more than you imagine, no matter what his physical, emotional or mental capabilities. Expect it of him and allow him to fail as needed to get it right.
Fifth: Assure they know you love them and really do it. Love is active, not an idea.
Remind him once about what he has to do and if he can’t do it himself let him find out what happens if he misses an assignment.
Stop “asking” your child and start “telling”. Your 8 year old is more than capable to do the things you demand of him. You are not a mean or bad mom to make him do things.
My oldest son was is only 3. He hates taking time from his play schedule to eat enough dinner. Tonight I had to NOT give him a bedtime milk bottle because he knows he can rely on that to fill his hunger, however this does not teach him to eat when the food is ready.
If you let him “fall on his face” metaphorically, he will figure it out. He’s 8, so the consequences won’t be huge. You can also tell/teach him how to make a priority or reminder list, and place it in a very easily seen area in his room, or a place he often goes.
I WAS that kid who had 100 things going on in my head, short attention, hated school, etc. He will be better off for the struggles; we learn more from our failures than our successes, and you need to let him learn from failure. Let him own it, so to speak, but don’t rub it in, which I doubt you would do.
Also, set goal oriented rewards. “Can I go to Timmy’s?” Sure after you do XYZ”. Then, when he forgets to do those items, and wants to go, remind him of the goals and rewards. He’ll get it.
I have a special needs 12 year old boy. He can not read or write. He just learned numbers and can somewhat tell time but he struggles. Because of some of his special needs involve behavior, we too struggle. BUT…I set alarms. He gets up, showers, get’s his breakfast, takes his meds. And alarm goes off when he needs to get dressed for school. Another alarm goes off for him to gather up his stuff and wait at the door for the bus. It as taken several years to get him to this point. I also do picture reminders for him. In the shower is a laminated sheet of the steps he needs to do to get a good shower. He has a shelf in the pantry with breakfast items to choose from. Because he has cerebral palsy he lacks a lot of strength. I got Tupperware kids pitchers I keep full with milk or juice so he can pour his own drink. You can do it, just need to modify to fit the need of your kid! He is much more responsible and capable since I entrusted him to do these every day living skills.!
You are doing a great job, Melissa.
AmyRyb-I have the same challenged 8 yr old in girl form. She is actually a Special Ed student. We had the battle of the cup. We would find THEM everywhere. I finally had enough. I asked her which was her favorite cup (the rest of us use glasses) I got rid of the rest. Day 1- I gave her juice for breakfast and told her once-when your done put your cup in the sink please. The first days were a total challenge with not a few meltdowns BUT the rule was Mommy only washes the cup that is put in the sink. Since there was only one and nobody likes skanky 6 hour old juice the cup amazingly found its way into the sink after a few “I’m thirsty”s did not result in me seeking out where she left it and washing it. It worked with favorite toys too. Hope this helps
My son is also 8 and we’ve begun to do some of these things. We’re not all the way there yet and that’s okay. I make a sandwich for him and tell him to collect the other things he’d like. when we’re both done, he packs it in his backpack. Would it be awesome if he could do it ALL himself? Sure, but Rome wasn’t built in a day 🙂 they’ll get there if we keep nudging them out of the nest!!
I feel like normal consequences for an action should be attempted as a correction. If he never rinsed his bowl out & put it in the dishwasher, he would run out of bowls. Not having a bowl might mean he had to make something else for breakfast or go without. That doesn’t mean that you & the rest of the family have to live with nasty spoiled milk bowls, but you can remove his access to the bowls while explaining why that makes sense. I have a feeling that he’ll catch on. Also, I’m a very organized adult business owner & I have ADD. We all have to learn tricks that help us prioritize & get things accomplished. I could easily focus on so many things that would cause me to never get “life” done. I had to learn that I’m the only one who can take charge of my life. And I did!! ???? He will too, if you don’t take care of it for him.
I have a child with some minor behavior issues and difficulty following multi step directions. I made a simple list for him. His evening list consists of homework, chores, packing his lunch and laying out clothes. His morning list is teeth, deodorant and a last minute check of his book bag. I still have to remind him daily to wear deodorant. He apparently doesn’t care if he smells but my nose can’t handle it!! The lists have done wonders to out morning and evening routines.
You & I are in the same boat! You’re not alone :). My son has ADHD & we’re working on his executive functioning skills. It will get better. How old is your son?
I went to open house when my kids were freshman in HS and then told them that’s it. I’m done. HS is your job not mine. I don’t want to know your teachers and your job is to do your job so I don’t have to know them. Great read.
i have made a list, that is stuck to the front door, to remind them all, what they need, I.e. Door key, lunch, phone etc. it seems to be a good in between memory jogger, and still allows my lot the responsibility of collecting and packing their own things together.
Amy,
8 years old is still young and it sounds like you are doing what you need to do to prepare him to learn good skills. Your son sounds a lot like how my son was at that age. He is now about to turn 16 and still doesn’t always put his bowls in the sink ;-)~, but he gets great grades, wakes himself up for school, packs his lunches and generally is responsible. Not perfect, but I feel like he is on his way to being a responsible adult. Keep up the good work and it will pay off. I still worry a lot but reading articles like this helps me to feel better.
Eight years old is different than middle schoolers. I spent 20 years raising special needs kids and new staff had a habit of wanting to do for, but as I said “I am not doing this for them for the rest of their lives so we will start learning NOW.” It took some of my kids years to learn the tricks but they got it. Put a laundry basket in their room or in the bathroom. Make a chart with colors that go in each laundry pile then see who can sort their piles fastest. Have them set out their clothes each night (make it a habit) and set out their school stuff before bed. Each of my kids knew to set their pile in a spot and it should be empty when time to go to school. These are things and eight year old can do as you help them form the habits to take them through life.
I agree with you completely. I raised two sons. I was a teacher and could easily stay in touch about what was needed and when. I did as much for them as possible because I wanted them to enjoy life growing up without all the stress of an adult. They are both very successful, contributing adults. They make more money than I did as a teacher and have wonderful families of their own. All children are not alike!
We do the same here, first we started with a reminder list, they hang where they can be reminded, after a while they just do it, or suffer the consequences of not, those consequences help them remember too.
is your son autistic? he sounds exactly like my son and hes on the spectrum
ADHD?
I hear you… My 12y.o had some of the same behaviors. Start small.. have him lay out his school clothes the night before. Make him a list of things to do in the morning… Short list it’ll improve with maturity. Mine dresses himself… Meaning picks out his own clothes too, gets his own breakfast. .I make sure to have what he likes, takes his pill, packs his lunch that I’ve laid out and does his toiletries (teeth, d.o., hair, ext). I do make sure he knows how much time he has and remind him to do some of these, but it’s a big improvement. Next year he’ll be making his own lunch for junior high and hopefully will need less reminders. From mom of three difficult children
I have 5 children, ages 16, 15, 13, and two 10 year olds. My 15 year old son has severe ADHD, bipolar, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and he is mid to high range functioning autistic. Trust me, I know all about behavior issues. Even the doctors (in the early years) said that the chances of my son ever living independently were slim to none. I decided to make it my goal to prove the doctors wrong. It has taken a lot of patient persistence on my part and a lot of understanding and trust on my sons, but it has all been worth it. My son is now a junior in high school with a solid A/B average, in a regular classroom (tested out of special ed. in 8th grade). He is working on getting his welding certification and has a job that he uses to pay for all of his ‘extras’ with. He has learned to take good care of himself and his home. He is looking forward to moving on with his life as an independent adult. All things that I didn’t think were going to be possible if you would have asked me 10 years ago. All of this was achieved by doing basically everything in this article. When my son was your sons age I felt just as hopeless as you do, but stand firm, it will get better, it will get easier, I promise. The only things I may suggest that helped a lot with my son, force them to think about the future by asking questions like “Would your boss take that excuse?” or “Would your landlord find this acceptable?”. And also, always offer an explanation. “This is what you should learn from this.” or “These are the consequences of this because…” It offers a little clarity as to what they should be taking away from these life lessons. I hope this helps you or at least gives you a little strength and optimism to soldier on. It is a long, repetitive battle. But well worth it in the end. Good luck.
Hi! ‘Y son is the same way. He he Adhd – so I have to redirect him daily. He has a system I set up for him- a planner he writes everything in. A watch with reminders he sets- (watch minder watch. ) he wakes himself up and packs his own snack. He also started learning how to do his laundry too.
@AmyRyb our sons sound like identical children! My son is 9 and has high-functioning autism. He’s a super sweet, intelligent kid who LIKES rules a lot. But sometimes the mundane details of “normal” behavior are washed away by his little mental obsessions and stims. Fork eating (fine motor) is still challenging for him, but I must say finding the right motivating reward has certainly worked well. I agree with most of the PP who advocate modeling because my son responds VERY well to that. Most people don’t initially pick up on his awkwardness/distraction because he is constantly mimicking the grown-up’s language. We are working hard to teach him to be strong and independent because we know how important it’s going to be when he gets to middle school to defend himself in a classy, mature way. And because, let’s face it, I don’t want to wash his underwear forever! 😉
One way that has helped him to be less distracted is to repeat the directive. So if I say “Ayden, put your dishes in the sink.” He says back “Yes, ma’am. I’ll put them in the sink.” or something to that effect. That forces him to slow down a bit and really process what I’m asking him to do before he distracts himself. It doesn’t always work, but I’ve seen a lot of improvement with that over the last year.
Great article and great read! I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to be over involved. I really hope he and others his age grow up into a generation of kids who does not feel entitled to everything they want and understands they have to be responsible for themselves!
I used a white board with Expo markers to write my son’s morning chores at that age. (We also had some behavior issues). It was simple things like “Make the bed” and “Brush teeth”, but it was a huge help.
Nagging didn’t work, but letting him check off each thing as it was done did! It gave him a sense of control and let me handle my own stuff in the mornings. 🙂
It will come!! I have a daughter who is now 12. Everyday since birth has been somewhat of a struggle for her. She was born 8 weeks premature weighing 2lbs. She is ADD, intellectual disability, ODD, and approximately a year ago diagnosed with epilepsy. She is a blessing and sooooo strong-willed. There have been days that I just felt like I was going to pull every last hair out of my head, and didn’t think we would ever get ahead. We fought and she argued like no other! I believe us finding out the epilepsy diagnosis has made a huge difference. Why? She is being treated, and has made a huge turnaround! She is getting herself up, dressing herself, packing her own lunch, doing her own meds (with supervision), it’s just amazing to see this!! This was not her just last year! But whatever the circumstance, with persistence, guidance and lots and lots of patience, your little one will get there! I wish you the best of luck and pray all goes well!
Wow this is great… I am trying to get my kids to take responsibility however what do you do for kids that just can’t be bothered? If they don’t wake by the alarm, and miss school, they don’t care. We are not home because we work so leaving them home is not an option, that would be a reward instead of a punishment. And if I drag them to work with me they are disruptive or its not feasible to take them that day. All of your info is great, for well mannered good kids. Mine could care less!
Great article. I agree with all except the lunch. It is one of the few things I do to serve my high school senior. She will pack it without complaint when I have an early work morning but I know I won’t be doing it in 6 months. She is independent and responsible, a recruited D1 athlete and top scholar in her class. It’s a joy for me to make her nutritious lunch and is a practical way for me to support her as a swimmer who has 8 trainings sessions per week.
Your son sounds like my son’s. My oldest is 13 now with adhd and as per gers and it was really hard for a long time. Constant reminders. It is better now. I still have to remind him about his dishes sometimes, but we are getting closer to independence. It takes longer than a non special needs child, but being consistent and making them come back to do it will pay off in time. Keep it up momma, you can do it. I am now in the stage with my 8 year old son who is starting to show the same quirks as his older brother and regressing. It has been good to remind myself that we survived my oldest, so we can do it again.
Omg! I missed the mark with my son, but had figured it out when I had to step up and raise the grandkids. They are much more competent and report responsible than their father.
I have an 8 year old as well with challenges of remembering and focusing. Just keep trying different methods and work with teachers till you find solutions that work. Keep in mind the solutions may change over time. Our latest try are checklists in places that my son finds helpful, such as where he puts his shoes on to brush his teeth, brush hair and clean glasses. Until things become a habit putting reminders in places to catch attention seems to help, after all I leave myself notes as reminders.
This is great! I had a child like this.(He’s 55 now). I asked the pediatrician about this once and he said ” If you figure out how to fix it, let me know. I’ve got one just like him”! He has actually
been very successful.
She’s talking about teens. Your kid is only 8. Give him another 5 years.i
I nannyed an eight year old boy with autism for a year and a half, I know what you mean about responsibility. But there were certain things I coordinated with the parents to give the child both independence and responsibility. The first thing we did was make him and his six year old brother responsible for their own breakfast. There were always bowls either in the cupboard or dishwasher, there was always milk, and there was always a bag of cereal or two. The rule was that they weren’t supposed to break out the video games until AFTER breakfast, and breakfast was on them. THEIR responsibility. Soon, it became a habit, even putting their dishes in a specific side of a sink. The key was patience and gentle reminders (which the six year old still needs, as he occasionally leaves his bowl on the table) until the actions did become habit, because once they were habit they weren’t really anything the boys had to even be thinking about.
The other thing they were both responsible for was packing their clothes for visits to grandma’s or mommy’s (we’re talking the length of a long weekend visit that happened every week to every other week). This happened in stages. First, I would pack the bags with them: I told them what to bring me (select three shirts and two pairs of pants, etc) and I would get all the items to fit into their bags. After they were comfortable doing that, I removed myself from the equation and gave them a list of what they would need; sometimes they packed everything, and sometimes they didn’t. I would ask them if they packed certain items (toothbrush, water bottle, tablet charger), and they would either scramble to find the item or tell me they had packed it (sometimes lying about it). The hardest part about this step was for the parents, because they would have to deal with a child who forgot something and was unhappy about it, but the more important thing was for the child to deal with having not packed the item because it made it more likely for them to pack it next time. When they forgot it and complained about it, they were reminded that packing was THEIR responsibility, and if they didn’t want to live without the item, they better remember to pack it. It’s hard for a parent not to step in and try to save the day, it’s hard to balance the “taking care of them right now” and “turning them into responsible adults” instincts, especially because the first one is stronger.
But these things don’t stop them from choosing the easy way often. Being told to clean their room often resulted in everything being shoved into the closet or under the bunk beds. They had to be told to put away game controllers when they were done playing, for the controller would often get flung somewhere. The eldest always selected an easy toddler book to read for reading time and I would have to direct him to the shelf with the beginner chapter books. He would rather wear the same clothes every single day than tell somebody laundry needed to be done (or collect the clothes in the first place) and would shove clean laundry under the bed rather than put it in the dresser. But things like that often have to be asked about: to what point do we let it all go? Every couple of months I made them put things away properly, but it didn’t really effect anybody other than the kids for them to shove things wherever, so if that’s what they wanted to do, it was their choice. Wearing the same clothes until they were filthy was also their choice. When they got too bad, they were told to change, but it doesn’t affect anybody negatively for them to wear the same shirt and pants for a week. Pick your battles.
And it never hurts to have expectations for a child, mental disabilities or no. Sometimes your expectations are too high and you need to adjust them, and there’s nothing wrong with that so long as you recognize it. BUT, it is better to have expectations that are a little too high than are too low. If I child isn’t being asked to improve upon where they are, they will never understand self-achievment or having expectations of themselves. Start small and work your way up. When a child struggles with something, be patient and don’t add another goal/responsibility/expectation until they can handle the one that they’re struggling with.
I learned as a teacher that if you want to change children’s behavior, you need to make THEM deal with the consequences of their behavior. But, of course, expectations and consequences should be reasonable and age-appropriate.
If you put your child’s dish in the sink every time he forgets, then YOU’RE the one dealing with the consequences of his actions, not him. If he doesn’t get screen time (or get to play outside) until his backpack is hung up, his shoes and jacket are put away, and the dishes from his snack are in the sink, then HE will have to deal with the consequences of his actions, and that’s how he will learn. If he’s 8, he won’t learn this right away, but that’s OK, because 8 is a good time to start learning. And turning the TV or video games (or whatever), or calling him back in and asking, “What do you need to do before you can start your free time?” will help him learn to take responsibility, and that not taking responsibility is less convenient. Plus, having to go back and re-do it is a meaningful consequence that won’t kill him. Yes, it might be a process, or even a battle, to get him to do it at first. But aren’t a few battles now better than having to clean up after him every day for the next 10 years? A few battles now that he learns from are also kinder for him in the long run than constant battles over increasingly large issues over the next 10 years. Often what seems kinder in the moment isn’t actually kinder in the long run.
And you are absolutely right to start early. Given his disabilities, it will take him longer to learn these skills, and he will need the time with your support to help him get there. He won’t get them perfect for a while, so be patient, but keep encouraging him so he can reach these goals! (I am a retired special education teacher, so do have some experience behind my comments)
This is on point! I have two grown children in there mid and late twenties. My first child is no where near as responsible as my second. This is ALL my fault! I was learning with her. Her brother, Mr Successful, should thank her!
As a parent of a child in her 20’s, I think this article is really sad. My daughter was babied in the extreme by me, but she is now a very successful adult woman living many states away. Our children grow up too quickly as it is, so take the time to parent your child while you can. Savor your mornings with your children, and be your child’s hero when you bring a forgotten textbook. Life is too short and your child will be an adult soon enough.
seriously… be your childs hero? Your description of parenthood is extremely ego centric , as in saying being a parent should revolve around the parents wants and needs?
Savor your time with your child. What does you enjoying yourself have to do with their functioning later in life?
I feel you described my 8y/o son! I think we have the same kid lol
Eight years old is still too young to do many things. There’s a huge difference in maturity between an eight year old and a twelve year old.
My 5 year old does everything on her except waking her own self up and filling out paperwork with
My daughter is the same way and same age … it’s an work in progress but she’s learning that what she forgets or don’t do will affect her. I wash their clothes, they dry and fold them. My daughter has remained on honor roll since 1st grade but she’s one messy forgetful young lady. But soak up school work like a sponge.
Has he been tested for ADHD? The child you’re describing sounds exactly like my youngest son who was diagnosed at eight. Being extremely intelligent can mask the more traditional symptoms because they’re somehow able to keep their grades up in school. We think they’re just quirky or irresponsible but it’s actually that their brains work a little bit different. Apparently, highly intelligent people are often ADHD, but it’s severely undiagnosed. The good news is that with a few minor modifications to how he approaches things, he can be very successful without medication. At least that’s been our experience.
It’s great that you are trying to gradually pass more personal responsibility on to him- he will thank you for this later! I have three kids, and the oldest has moderate attention deficit. I’ve expected him to get his lunch together before school, and unpack his lunch things at the end of the day, since he was 4 yrs old, and it took a spectacularly long time to become routine, because he was so busy thinking about much more exciting things. He would literally walk in circles around the kitchen, forgetting why he was there. Taking the easiest way through every situation, and procrastinating on work and assignments became a real issue, but I was desperate to get him to a place where he could become a functional adult. We had a seriously difficult few years from grade 4 to grade 7, as we expected him to take responsibility for more and more of his personal chores (room, hygiene) and school work. I would ask about homework, and he would avoid answering or even outright lie, so he could buy a couple more days of “freedom” (then impending doom, as the deadline loomed and he panicked). More and more, I gave responsibility over to him, and more and more, I allowed him to do an inadequate job, and sometimes, fail. To my amazement, at the start of grade 7, he began fending for himself, taking full responsibility for all academic work (and usually hygiene). When he was 8 yrs old, I honestly didn’t see how he could ever become a normally-functioning adult. Now that he’s 14, he helps make meals, he does laundry and cleans, he gets himself to school, on time, with a healthy lunch (much less circling aimlessly in the kitchen!), and keeps track of his homework, extra-curricular sports & band practices. The struggles and heartache were difficult, but the results have been amazing!
This article is mind blowing…this is ALMOST spot on to my thought process and what I do with my daughter…only difference is my fear of judgement from other parents causes me to cave occasionally…
Parents can’t just wash hands of THEIR responsibility to guide their children to take responsibility. Otherwise it is problem for parent and child. How can they learn responsibility if a parent does the same by washing their hand of homework parents shouldn’t do the work but if they haven’t been taught to take it on themselves they won’t do it on their own in many cases. Children are born to parents because they need guidance
My sons are 9 and 4…..and i have to tell my 9yrs old step by step…whereas my 4yrs old gets it.
I also watch how i interact with my 9yrs old because he is sensitive. Instead of yelling of poor grades, I say something like….hey son…u did awesome on ur class assignment keep that up. He is way more responsive to acclaimations that criticisms.
Good luck Mom
We did all of these things the beginning in 9/10th grades…& our daughter was properly prepared for college. Several times she noted to us how she was asked multiple times to help train some of the students who were struggling
Sorry but some of this is useful but some are just lazy and not right …have you been to the schools lately they are getting bad teachers not all but some are really terrible I personally had a coach texting my daughter talking about how he loved her …got the police involved she was 17 so not considered a child got suspended two weeks and that was it ..now I have to send my 15 to the same school parents are thier to protect their children asking them to deal with other adults is not right …but to each their own
Amy, try a list for your 8 year old. I have a morning list for my 7 year old……just an index card with squares for him to check off. Make bed, PJ’s away, brush teeth, pack lunch, homework in backpack, Jacket on hook, shoes on, bfast made/eaten, dishes in washer, etc. My son finds joy in checking the boxes. we have modified it over the school year, but it really works! He also requested a list for after school and bedtime. If I have chores for him, a list it is! Works great! Now, this does not work for my other 3 children. They are all wired differently. I just thought this may be a suggestion you could try if you are looking for other ideas. Good luck! Hang in there!!
I have a son with ADHD and he is 10. My nephew lives with us and he is 8 and he has ADHD and a mood disorder. I have experienced my share of behavior issues with both of them. My nephew is currently going to behavior therapy, but I already have them doing some of the things on the list. They have an alarm clock and get up on their own. They choose their clothes the night before. They pack their own snacks for school, but eat breakfast and lunch at school. I wash their clothes, but they put them away. I have learned kids are capable of doing things, but as adults sometimes we limit them or make excuses for them. You have to have set clear expectations, be consistent, have structure. The both play flag football and I believe if you can remember your plays and be competitive then I am sure you can be responsible for a few things. They have to learn to adapt to the world and manage their ADHD and mood disorder. Start with one thing and when the child gets that down, then introduce them to something else. Do overwhelm yourself or the child.
Its winderful to hear you are teaching him at this age, issues or not. My girls, 6 & 8 too are learning to organise themselves. To help them we have a list of tasks for the day on the fridge, in the order they need to be completed, as the task is complete, they move a fridge magnet down the list, worked wonders on my kindy child last year, especially on the days I need to be out the door 5 minutes after they get on the bus. Keep up the awesome work ????????????????
Hi Amy, from your comments about being very intelligent, but having behavior problems and absent mindedness and a million other things going through his head, he sounds a lot like my stepson who has Aspergers syndrome, have you had your son tested for Autism? If not it may be something that you might consider doing.
If you had left something you needed for work, you would have turned around. If you were a stay st hone parent and your spouse asked you to bring something to their work that they forgot, you wouldn’t say “Sorry, maybe you’ll remember it next time”. We can teach responsibility and at the same time give them grace when they occasionally forget something or need help.
Stop washing the bowls, once he runs out he will remember.
Start with where he already has success, where he already can manage and with praise, encouragement and modelling build outwards.
Look at tasks with similar skill sets that he already has.
Omg I feel like we are raising the same kid! Mine also forgets about his fork! I can’t give him the same responsibilities as other kids his age, he’s just not their yet and I feel judged for it. Thanks for sharing!
Charts posted in visible places with small immediate rewards and bigger work up to rewards are awesome
Amy-I have twin 8 year old boys and have similarly struggled. I deeply appreciated this article because I am trying to lay the groundwork for more independence and responsibility. My boys tend to goof off and need constant nagging to accomplish the basic morning tasks. Of course, the result is that one of my guys gets anxious and panics as we inevitably rush to get on the bus for school. My solution was to create a responsibility chart (different from a chore chart). It lists in detail the tasks they need to get done before getting on the bus. If they accomplish this without my participation, they earn 15 mins of screen time. The positive reinforcement is helpful to keep them motivated until these tasks become second nature. The key to the chart is being VERY specific (ie., eat breakfast, clear plates, brush teeth, tidy bathroom). They check off each task as it’s completed. They have really taken to this new strategy and have even asked for a similar list for evenings (another tough time in our house). This is just one idea. I agree that it can be so hard but I am confident it is worth the effort. Good luck!!
My children are grown now, so parenting blogs aren’t as high on my radar, but I just saw this on Facebook. My daughters would probably tell you I could have written it. Kudos to you for realizing that our “jobs” as parents is to produce independent adults who can function in society. As soon as my kids were old enough to be left alone in a grocery store, I periodically would drop them off with $100 cash and tell them to buy what they want for their school lunches and other meals and snacks because I was sick of hearing that I “never buy . . .” whatever their latest craving was. They learned so many valuable lessons from these shopping trips and love telling people about them. Keep up the good work and good luck.
You pretty much know, as his mom, what he’s capable of doing, & what he’s not yet fully ready for. My son just turned 12, & has Autism, & he honestly can’t even wash his own hair properly! I keep showing him how to scrub & he just can’t seem to get it! He made a sandwich once, & struggled to even get the Cheese Whiz out of the jar & spread it on the bread. It took him at least 20 minutes, and then I had to cut it for him. It’s a different ball game when your kid has some special needs. I just keep trying to get him more & more independent without getting too upset at the slower progress from his peers. He’s 12, but he’s really not.
The same thing happens with my kids minus the three year old my daughter forgets to put her dishes in the sink from dinner and it drives me nuts.
I love this article it couldn’t be more accurate as I watch so many young adults struggling to be adults some stay at home not because they can’t afford to move out but because you hear stories that the mom of adult children is still cleaning their clothes, cooking their dinner and helping them come up with excuses as to why they aren’t on their. I actually couldn’t over coddle my daughter when she was young because I was unwell. She was making her lunch in kindergarden as
she headed out she would say what she packed but her jobs changed as she got older we taught her how to do things she was our first child so it was trial and error. We would show her see how she did if we thought it was to hard we came back to it as she got older. In grade
1 she went to the corner store with my cell phone for bread, milk and a treat we’d let her pick out. She would use the to talk to me on her way there and back. By grade 3 she could walk the 6 mins to the grocery store with a push cart and bring home a list of things and even tell me all the sales she found. Often I’d get a call and she’d say something like our shampoo is $3 off should I get it? She even knew after teaching
her in grade 1 and 2 how to use my bank card. I spent years feeling guilty watching other Mom’s doing everything for their kids while I couldn’t. I will tell you she is now 26 and as I look back with amazement at all she accomplished (if I wrote everything I would go on for days) but never did she act like it was a huge burden. I would often say sorry because of the things she had to do but growing up she would always tell me how great she felt doing things the other kids had no idea how to do and helping me. Now that she is grown she says heathy or not she would raise her kids the same way. I look back now and realize trying to do it means a mom is to run down to have fun and enjoy their kids. I don’t know any kid that wouldn’t want to do these things if it meant more family fun time instead of mom home folding laundry and everything else. Doing it for your kids doesn’t prove you’re super mom instead it shows kids that they mustn’t be able to do it themselves so it puts barriers up for them. Also for the comment from the mom with the 8 year old that has some challenges. We have a foster child who is behind from being neglected and came to us at 10 but unable to do much on their own. Thankfully I am much better. I just patiently teach a new task a week or hard ones may longer. I try to remind myself it’s about the good attitude and effort not about perfection. I use poster boards as reminders at the front door saying things like did you brush your teeth, wash your face etc. they check it before going to school. We also have one in the bedroom for things to do at night like pack your lunch leave it in the fridge pack book bag put by front door, brush teeth etc. Now all I say is did you check off your list. By the bed because school is a challenge we have an eraser board where we put tests to study for projects due etc. I find the less I have to say did you do this or that the smoother their moods are and they just love hearing good job and I am proud of you instead. It starts the day smoother and bedtime too.
Again I Love this list of what you shouldn’t do for kids in high school, it should be sent to all parents of kids starting high school . Keep up the great job and wonderful articles! 🙂
Love this! Thank you for reading and taking the time to thoughtfully comment Maria!
teens. it says teens. an 8 year old isnt gonna do his own laundry
Amy I am happy to say we stop doing those things a while ago. I think in 6th grade. The only thing is they automatically started filling out those school papers for me. Nice huh! It is very important for them to fly on their own. Two of the most important things we did in 6th grade was not get them on about school work. They know what our expectations are, so we might ask if they have homework, but I know how they are doing by their report cards and awards. They are all on the National Honor Society and technical Honor society as well. Again like you mentioned on their own. The second one is they have to self advocate for themselves. They need to be able to approach teachers, coaches etc.. when they need help or have an issue. I am not going to college with them next year, so building this skill early is beneficial when they get their first job and venture out into the world. Great article.
Perhaps having triplets makes us parent intentionally because we just have to. I love that you parent similarly and will be sending off capable, kind men into the world soon! Thanks for your response Danielle!
Fellow triplet mom here! Mine are 11 and sounds like we are parenting similarly!
I started reading this and was thinking, “Did I write this..?”!! All that work in the early years has really paid off. Though, I do have small moments of guilt every now and again, when other parents are preparing their kids a nutritious breakfast, packing spectacular lunches, and helping their kids prepare for their math tests…. You’re doing great things with those beautiful kids of yours!! Proud of you!!
We’re all doing our best, aren’t we? It can be so easy for me to over parent that I really have to be conscious to try and balance helping them and helping them to stand on their own two feet. We only have a few years left to teach them life skills, so better they figure them out now. I do not want some college counselor shaking their head when my kid can’t function because I didn’t take the time to let them function in my home. Here’s to rockstar triplet boy moms trying to put capable men out into the world!
“Over parent”! Give me a break! I’m feeling so sorry for your teens who need you more than ever. Yes … I do wake up my kids (although they set an alarm and are already awake), I make their breakfast and we have our best conversations at this time (and pack lunches) and they say thank you everyday, I do inquire about class work and grades with interest … Already knowing online where they are (and they are ready on the spot with accurate status), I do deliver forgotten items because it is so rare, and they are so apologetic and grateful, of course I do their laundry … And when they say “Mom, my hoodie smells so good!” I tell them how to make that happen. They have no problem doing a load upon my request,but in no way do I expect my teen do his laundry. I rather they focused on keeping their straight A’s, being leaders In their various clubs, getting involved in school sports and community projects. They have a good 50+ years to do laundry. Being a parent is a privilege not to be passed off. No I’m not the perfect parent … But in the age of absentee parenting … I’m proud to be an “involved parent”. I’m literally sick hearing your excuses for being a lazy parent.
Thank you for your comments Julie. I am far from a lazy parent and do a lot for my kids, so no reason to feel sorry for them. I agree that parenting is a privilege and we all should set up our homes based on our core values and beliefs. We have a problem in our society with over parenting whether that applies to you or not. Ask any teacher, coach or college counselor. Parents are the problem, not the kids.
Hi Amy,
Everyone is entitled to raise their kids how they see fit, but I am shocked by the hateful responses you have received. As a mom of a 22 year old daughter, and a 19 year old son, I can honestly say that I wish I had done some things differently. There are several items you mentioned that I did fine, and I feel I was and am a good mom, but some I wish I had done differently. I remember my son’s senior year thinking to myself, in a panic, he doesn’t know how to do this, or this, etc… He has learned, on his own, thankfully, but I have seen first hand how equipping our children with skills is valuable. My sister has 12 year old twin girls. She is a flight attendant that has worked since they were born. She is gone two nights a week. Because my nieces have been taught age appropriate tasks, they run circles around their older cousins. My nieces are not deprived of love, attention, or having two parents that are involved in every aspect of their lives. On the contrary, they feel empowered. Do they still need reminded from time to time, sure they are kids, but they will be more than equipped to take on the world.
Maria, thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. There have been way more Moms chiming in that agree with this post, than ones who don’t. It has been shared on Facebook with about 20,000 people so far. People don’t share things they don’t agree with. The great thing about writing a blog post, is that it’s my perspective. My opinion. It doesn’t mean it’s fact. It’s just sharing what I feel is working in my parenting, even though I am far, far from perfect as are my kids. I think it’s important that we really have open dialogue about the issue we have in today’s culture where the term helicopter parenting is commonplace and we no longer even use the term latch key kid that was normal in our day. We are all doing the best we can on our journeys. If I can help someone through my story along the way, then great. Some of the responses I’ve received have given me new perspective as well. Not everyone is going to agree and that’s okay. I love that you used the word empowered. Yes. I want my kids to feel empowered too. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and write your authentic response!
My oldest is 18. I wish that I had given him more autonomy as I find myself now with a failure to launch teen. However, as I try to let them do more for themselves, it is hard to watch them fail. Last year, I got automated emails from the school twice about an absent 16 year old. When I got home at lunch, he was still sound asleep in bed. At 12:15. I don’t have all the answers but, sometimes, letting them fail is not a good choice either. I wish they came with owner’s manuals!
Yvonne, thank you for being brave enough to share this. It would be nice if these kids came with owner’s manuals wouldn’t it? Problem is they are all different and we are all parenting from a different background and current circumstance. We all just do our best and I feel that backing away and giving my kids some responsibility is something that is good for my kids and our family. Thanks for reading!
Amy, I am what many refer to as an ” OVER INVOLVED ” parent, and proud and Blessed to be one. I have an issue with you saying to ” ask any teacher.” My son’s teachers for many years have told me they truly appreciate that I am an INVOLVED parent. ( They have used that word) . I believe a child is responsible for their work.. BUT.. a good parent will talk to their child and their teachers, not only to be sure they are doing great, but also because a good parent will teach and show their children that they really do care about them and their future !! I have already raised 2 outstanding , self sufficient children and my son is a junior in high school. He will be college bound and do great just like his sister’s did. They had breakfast.. team thing.. they got themselves up for school when I opened the door and with love..said good morning… I showed my children a lot of attention and I did a lot for them, so they could enjoy their youth. It’s not ” over parenting ” ! It’s called love. Any child can be taught to do things.. a little here and a little there.. But I know I will cherish and so will they… All the help they received as teenagers.. Teen age years are probably the most scary and difficult time in ones life.. you should be there for them 100%.
Teachers and coaches thank me often for being so involved with my kids as well. This woman has some nerve! I need to write an article about lazy parents who expect their children to raise themselves! I’m sure other parents are taking her place in her children’s lives. I know a few like her! I do a lot for those lazy parents’ kids too!
C Duncan I take exception to what you are saying about that author. She is not uninvolved or expecting her kids to raise themselves and the fact that you claim this when its not true makes me think you know you might cling too much. I have been the parent to many kids tossed around by the system, truly kids who had no one. When they came to me, they had things to unlearn such as you don’t have to steal food (I kept a bowl of healthy snacks I refilled daily so he could learn to make choices while Knowing he wouldn’t starve. I taught him (and others) to care for his things, wash and even to sew because someday I might not be there. I taught my kids to cook beside me, gave them butter knives to hack up veggies that we cooked and ate… all the time with the motto “I won’t do this for them forever so we need to start learning to do it now.” No where in that article was she throwing her kids to the wind but she had natural consequences…the kind someone will face in college or in work environments. Don’t do everything for your kids or you may be faced with a moment I ran into in college: a guy who wandered into the laundry room and seeing me had to painfully ask for help as he had tried to do laundry shrank stuff turned other stuff pink and had been told by his mom to go find a girl to ask for help. Or the college roommate that cried when I washed her sheets as she couldn’t remake her bed (she had gone over a month with the same sheets when I washed them) I taught her to make her bed and her parents ended up paying so she could take her laundry to a Laundromat… not kidding she never learned to do laundry in college. (she couldn’t buy her own clothes when we started but we fixed that over her mother’s protests.) So when I read this authors material I think a little different than you, I think wow she is making that transition easier and her kids won’t be crying when mom or dad isn’t there to walk them through each step.
In the prior post, inflammatory and unhelpful phrases like “give me a break,” “I feel sorry for your kids,”, “lazy parenting,” and “I’m sick of hearing….,” speak volumes. Your response was more than gracious despite the insults. As a veteran classrooom teacher and the proud parent of two very excellent young adults, I submit that yours is an excellent article and you are absolutely spot on. Keep on keeping on 🙂
Thank you Terri for reading and commenting! This article has killed my website and we’re still working to get it back up properly as it’s being viewed so many times, so it’s definitely resonating with people. I write to try and inspire Moms coming behind me to possibly think about things coming up for them in their future parenting. I don’t write to try and shame any Mom, but to perhaps share a different viewpoint. It’s interesting how some readers view me as unloving or uncommunicative with my kids because I have them doing some things for themselves. Thanks for your support and positivity!
You are welcome. An interesting story concerning coaches: My husband is a high-school recruiter for college baseball. He insists his players communicate with him directly, as opposed to parents speaking on their behalf, to prepare them for the college baseball experience. College coaches will not speak to parents concerning game specifics, playing time, player conduct, players’ responsibilities. etc. At one particular high school-level game, a mother, against my husband’s rules about parents interacting with their kids during play, brought her son his lunch in the dugout. Immediately, one college coach in attendance approached my husband and wanted to know the name of that particular player. The coach wrote the name down, commenting that he would NOT be selecting that player for his team.
I am so torn on this article. I stay home to help run the house of 3 teenage children. I feel being at home is more important then any $ to make. My husband and I are happily married and find ourselves good role models. We do care for them by engaging them with choices etc but lead by example and do help with lunches and monitor schoolwork. We do without and sacrifice lots to pay for private education. I’m not letting their inability to be adults at this time in their lives to eat poorly or let missed HW dictate their future. Everyone is different and has priorities. Nobody should feel they MUST do these 8 things. My children will certainly be active citizens who care and are successful because they know they are loved
Kristin
(You can add bosses to that list of people to ask)
Perfect response Julie. It struck me as an excuse to justify laziness also. These kids are not backwards or immature because they eat with family, share chores (I do laundry, you wash cars) , occasionally need backup, or even occasionally miss the boat completely and take a misstep or two. I don’t see that showing them that they can never depend on family makes them better citizens.
Thank you for reading and commenting Rose! Eating meals together, sharing chores and supporting our family members no matter what is a crucial part of intentional parenting and family life I agree.
Wow! I am kind of shocked at the negative replies! I have two kids, 15 and 11, that are already doing their own laundry, packing their own lunches, making their breakfast, telling me what homework they have done or need to finish. And they are both straight A students, participating in extracurricular activities. My oldest has been waking herself up since middle school to get herself ready for school. My youngest has always been an early riser so he tends to wake himself up most days. My oldest even talked to her counselor to get the proper information to test out of a math class last year that she was bored in. Then she let us know what her plan of action was. My youngest’s football coaches have told the team that it is their responsibility, not their parents, to make sure they have everything ready for practices and games and when/where to be. They are told that they are growing into young men and need to be accountable. They have household chores that they know they have to have done each week. They also are responsible for their dogs, which was the rule when we got them.
I do check their home access to check on their classes every few (2-4) weeks, so if they aren’t saying something about a bad test (they usually tell me everything, though) or something, I am aware of it. I also give them a “get out of jail free” card that they can use once a trimester to deliver something they may have forgotten. However, because I work full-time, they have to be diligent in making sure they have their items. And I do fill out their paperwork because they both inherited their dad’s awful handwriting. And I do have to remind them to pick their clothes up from the bathroom after they shower.
We do eat dinner together every night (and they can help make some of it!) and do community outings and volunteer work. We have open discussions where they know they are not being judged and this is when they usually tell me what is going on at school, at activities, etc. They ask for advice and help. My oldest is also ADHD, which sometimes makes things a little more difficult. But they also know they have some freedom in making their own choices and learning lessons if something works or doesn’t work. And their friends actually want to hang out with them at our house because they appreciate the atmosphere.
I love your “get out of jail free” card idea! We also eat dinner together most every night, which is a feat with sports practices! It’s important to me that we have that time together eating and conversing. Especially when I’ve shafted them on the other two meals, right? 🙂 I need to get mine in the kitchen cooking more. Thanks for reading and for your great response April!
Thank you Julie! I look forward to doing things for my family. My husband, and my children. I want them to focus on being kids while they still can. It certainly doesn’t mean they’ll become lazy incompetent adults. Amy, at what age do you plan to charge your children rent for their bedrooms so they can go ahead learn to pay their own bills as well- that is if you’re not already?
Ha! No plans to charge rent yet, although we are having a lot of discussion on how they will be able to help pay for a car, gas, etc. as they will be driving soon. My Mom did say I was going to have to pay rent when I moved back home for a bit as a young adult. Got me to move right back out! I,too,enjoy serving my family and this article is only a means to get people talking and thinking, which it is doing. Thanks for joining the conversation!
My husband never had to work as a kiddo and it took him many years to find a direction in life and lack time management skills. His parents were so concerned with letting him ‘enjoy his childhood’ that they failure to realize happiness is a byproduct of hard work and not something you pursue. I worked since I was in eighth grade and learned to manage my time, money, and have a sense of self satisfaction. My grades didn’t suffer and I learned valuable lessons. Be careful with falling into the trap of letting them have a ‘carefree’ childhood. It often comes back to bite them in the butt.
I agree I have raised four outstanding members of society each with a college degree and two with their Masters, and one of those has a Purple Heart from the Marine Corp. I did their laundry, made them breakfast, packed their lunches, and even delivered forgotten items. Their job was schoolwork. They all participated in a varsity sport as well. Before every school year they got “the speech”. God comes first, then family, the school.
Now I’m the lucky one. I have 10 fabulous grandchildren and are lucky enough to live with one of my kids and her family. They treat me like a queen. Parenting comes in different forms.
DA: Great response! This article come across as arrogant and judgey…..comes across as if she has all the parenting answers and that her way is the only way.
I agree with you and totally disagree with her!
okay, CDuncan. I think we all get that you disagree now. You don’t need to change your life because of this article, you can just move on and forget it. Some parents and their kids might benefit from it. Obviously she is not DEMANDING that you parent her way. You call her lazy but someone else could say it is lazy to do all for your kids rather than put in the time and stress of teaching them life skills.
I couldn’t agree more with Julie if I was parked right inside her heart and/or her head!! Parents do the best they can with what they’re learning and experienced–not excluding the “over-parenting” label thrown around so often. My youngest son is an honor roll student academically in advanced classes and a medical academy, sings extracurricularly in front of thousands enjoyed multiple recreational sports. He is soberly aware and on track for twelve more years beyond his high school education to become an anesthesiologist (self-goal of his) … and I am so happy to do ME helping him keep it all together with breakfast, lunch, dinner laundry and helping him stay organized in this fast paced world! Parents should follow their own parenting desire without guilt–that is so counterproductive! This article didn’t sound like a conversation-maker it echoes parent shaming which is essentially the blind leading the blind. No one escapes mistakes in child-rearing; however, I’d rather err on the side of doing as much as I am able to towards my family’s success and sanity! Allow and cultivating focus on what they are capable of doing individually. Their brain mature with every gained adolescent year–some take longer than others. Staying on top of it all is always the challenge for parents and children respectively. The student load isn’t even close to what I had as a child. Parent-shaming that goes on today because of social media-soap box platforms and chest thumping parent “professionals” is silly! Jeez…sharing suggestions are welcome if not embraced–making demands as if you have all the answers– laughable! Life happens…enjoy every minute of it because the cliche stands–they grow up and away so fast. My older ones are married and have children and my high schooler is in forward motion– all thriving!
You wrote exactly what I was thinking ! My kids are grown and self supporting, have college degrees and good jobs! Do not regret being in their business and being a parent to guide them thru their teenage years where a lot of young people left on their own miss their footing! Just a different style of parenting that I have not regretted in the least! Proud mama!!
I agree with Julie and Papillon. I had to wait a long time to have children. My “children” are now 19 and 23 years old. I sometimes wish I could go back in time. The years that your children are home, go by incredibly quickly!! Help them with projects, chat with them while you make breakfast, hug them, encourage them to be independent but let them know that “you’ll always have their back”. My husband and I have been told by teachers and school administrators that they appreciated the interest that we showed in our children. Trust me, before you know it you’ll be visiting colleges and POOF, your children will be gone!! I feel badly for young children that are expected to pack their own lunches and do their own laundry. They are not slaves, they our our children!!
I was hurt by this article. I felt that I was the only one who loved doing for my kids. I think in some ways I didn’t want them to grow up but knowing it would happen I made the most of my time. I remember running to the store late at night to pick up something my daughter needed for school the next day and forgot to tell me sooner. I made a choice to not work until my youngest was well into high school and later wished I had not worked until he was graduated. I was a mother first and anything else came later. I am widowed now and my children long ago on their own. But they know as long as I am able, I still am there for them.
Don’t be hurt by this. You are/were a wonderful parent. There is an intense trend these days for parents to do too much and more damaging, make excuses for their children. We are all Mothers first. The writer has triplet boys, she has to make things a team effort to survive and also is gracious in understanding all families are different. I love doing for my kids too, it’s just fun. But I expect growth, gratitude, respect, etc., which I’m sure you expected as well. It’s all such a balancing act. There’s no one way, expect the one that is with love, grace and forgiveness.
Miriam, thank you for taking the time to write this heartfelt reply! The one thing I know for sure is that Mothers rock!!
Amy, I love your article. We raised our kids exactly the way you described. I’ve been involed with families as a youth pastor fir 30 plus years. I’ve watched parents justify went the do everything for their kids, and then be completely flabbergasted as these same kids fall hard in adukthood. The “it’s a privilege ” to do these things, is a selfish, self serving cop-out. It makes the parent feel important, vital and needed. But, it does not help the child develop the life skills needed.
I got phone calls from my daughters when they were in college,(and beyond) thinking me for teaching independence and life slills as a teen. These came as they watched their classmates stumble cluelessly as adults. Many could not fill out job applications, and had nothing to put on them. My daughters had “experience” yo put on applications before they were working age. No, sports do not count.
As an employer of teens and young adults (managed a laege municiply pool), I refused to deal with parents. I didn’t hire mom. Yes, one lost his job, because mom woyld not heed this advice.
Just this week, my husband, a police chief, told me about a candidate that did not get hired because the over patenting was obvious and still happening at the age of 22. Mom accompanied him to the interview. When asked to describe a time he overcame adversity, it was a story how his good suit got ruined on the rain helping another college girl change a tire (really, t good at’s not adversity). When asked why this department/town. He said his mom liked it…….. This was a $50k a year career job.
My advice to parents is to think long term….well past HS. A little discomfort now can pay off tenfold in the future.
I thought the same thing Zipfish. This article sounds like a woman who doesn’t want to be a parent. There is a difference between overindulgence, and bringing things to your child when he or she forgets. What adult human being remembers everything all of the time. Expecting children to be held to a higher standard than an adult is silly. I feel like the author of this article has oversimplified the issue. The issue is also not just parents, kids, teachers or coaches. It’s much larger, and I feel for people who don’t understand the difference.
You can be close to your child, and emotionally supportive and involved, without doing things FOR them.
On the money with EVERY point!
I raised 2 INCREDIBLY successful adults (28 & 24) on my own. Perhaps through necessity, like you said – having triplets – but they were “somehow” able to pull it all together on their own while I worked.
And … I’m a teacher. “Helicopter” parents are the bane of my existence. I TRULY appreciate the parents who will come through with help and guidance when needed. But the ones that email me 3-4 times a DAY?!? Not so much.
In my classroom, FAIL means “First Attempt In Learning”. We use struggles to grow and become better. A child who isn’t “allowed” to fail will grow up to blame everyone else for their shortcomings.
Great piece! Listen well, parents!
Thank you so much Michele for taking the time to read and comment on my post. I love hearing that you have successfully raised your kids. Congrats! God love you for teaching as well. There is no more honorable and important job! Not sure if you read my post that I wrote to our teachers https://parentpurpose.wpengine.com/blog/for-you-our-middle-school-teacher-2/
The heart of this article is teaching kids to take responsibility for themselves and contribute, however that is done, and to prepare them for the future. For me, it would have been irritating if my parents woke me up, packed my lunches, meddled in my grades in high school, ect. I wanted to choose my own food, get myself up, and more than anything, I wanted them to trust me and believe in me. When I over do for my kids, I find it usually has more to do with me than them, because I like feeling needed, and in their blossoming independence, I have to find a new role in their lives. But it’s good for them. Kids need our nurturing, our love, our attention, and our time, but that doesn’t equate to us doing things for them daily they can do for themselves. I expect and hope those still doing this for a high schooler are helping in other ways. My mom did my laundry, but we were on a farm, and I mowed, based hay, fed animals. So there was give and take.
Well said!
I love that saying FAIL First Attempt In Learning! Thank you!
We have been doing all of this since middle school. I have 3 children. And in third grade they all started doing your own laundry. It is not lazy parenting, it is teaching our children to be responsible adults. We are not raising babies, we are trying to raise adults that contribute to society. And, as well I am happy to announce that all 3 of my children are always consistently on the honor roll at school too!
I thoroughly enjoy my children but I do not feel that I need validation from them as to whether or not I’m a good enough mom.
I believe that if a parent feels they need to do everything for their children, then they don’t believe that their children are capable enough. That is a bad message sent to the child. The other issue may be that the mom is very needy herself.
Great article Amy! I am totally on board with you!
My co-worker once said to me,”We are not raising children; we are raising adults,” and I was thinking of that exact phrase as I read these replies. I’m glad I found someone who had already said it. I have no experience in parenting, in fact, I will be a parent for the first time early next year. Articles like this help me to justify my desire to parent the same way my family has for generations. Thank you Amy for the insight, and thank you Sherry for your open reply that speaks to both sides.
How exciting Rose that you are already reading parenting articles before you have your first! Intentionally going in to your parenting with a game plan of how you want to teach your kids values is so important. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Oops, I am judging you. Consequence of being *that* parent who thinks she’s got everyone’s answers. It will make you stronger.
I didn’t realize we do so much for our kids. Thankfully my teenagers have been doing their own laundry for years. I haven’t packed their lunch in years they pack their own if they want sack lunch and either make breakfast at home or they eat at school. As long as they eat breakfast somewhere I don’t care and they are old enough to make it themselves. It’s very rare I get a call for something they forgot but I don’t stress over it anymore if I’m unable to bring it to school or unable to sign a syllabus for a class. I enjoy getting updates on grades through PowerSchool. My oldest gives me updates on his own but my 15yr old needs me to be on his case (He’s ADHD with some high functioning autism and a learning disability and social emotional behavior issues and ODD) along with school but I think by next year I won’t have to do that anymore he’s improving so much and pushing himself to do better!!! I no longer have to get my 15yr old up and my oldest has been getting up on his own since middle school he’s now a senior. I call school mostly for my 15yr old if the struggle is severe enough he needs help otherwise he’s slowly learning to deal his own battles and is learning to make the right choices who to be around and finally comfortable with school enough to go to them on his own for help. That’s a relief and weight lifted off of me. These are all wonderful things to realize that some of us still do. I’m proud to say that some of these are only as needed for my 15yr old. Things to watch for with my 8yr old though. So far I just do his laundry but he folds and put away. Maybe by the time he’s a teenager I won’t be doing any of the above. I have been blessed with independent kids. Good luck parents!!!!!
Thank you so much for your response! My post is just to get people talking and thinking about raising kids to independence and what that looks like in your home! I love doing a lot for them, but I want them to be responsible and resilient. I love that you are raising your kids to be independent, even with the challenges that you have. It is not easy so keep fighting the good fight Momma!
I couldn’t written this same post, only difference is my youngest is 13. I agreee with the author. And as a teacher, it is discouraging to see so much over parenting these days. Even the kids of these parents realize it and have made comments as to how they often feel their parents do not trust them. There is a difference in being involved and OVERLY involved.
*should be could’ve not couldn’t.
It’s a great list! I will say, however, that while your kids had the internal motivation and drive to make all the honors you mention, many kids don’t have that yet–and that is fine and developmentally appropriate for most kids. Many kids need support (which does not mean doing their homework)! If I weren’t helping my middle schooler find strategies, if we weren’t having an ongoing conversation about keeping up with his homework–frankly, that would be neglectful. Because he needs it.
I love this Lisa! You are so right that kids need definite support. There is a big difference in hovering over kids and their homework and what you said about strategies and ongoing conversation. Our younger two need a lot more than our oldest. They also have each other to hold one other accountable, so that makes a difference I’m sure. Thanks for reading and commenting!
I can appreciate all of these points and hope to incorporate loads of responsibility in my children as they grow older. I was definitely spoiled as a child, and it certainly showed when I got to college (though I wasn’t alone). Luckily, I managed to figure it all out without too many negative consequences.
With that said, I am so glad my mom never said to me “That sucks about your work!” I am so glad my mom validated my pain and worked with me to build a plan so whatever happened did not happen again.
The spirit of your blog is dead on. The tone of your blog is very cold.
I have no doubt you love your children and that you are an incredible caretaker – I would never challenge that.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I love what you said about your mom validating your pain. That is so important and a great point. I debated showing that text string since I did use teen lingo and wished I hadn’t. Live and learn, right?!
I still run forgotten items up to them, but the key is that they owe me time for my time. The price of having to do an extra chore has to be worth the text or phone call.
Same! There have been definitely times when I’ve brought something to them. The point is that parent and child know it’s not a habit and that it’s appreciated. Thanks for commenting Lisa.
As a mother to 2 preschoolers, I see this article as the plan I want to have. It so resonates with how I feel parenting should look like! My question is — what did you start doing from an early age to set up for what you lay out here? Any advice to parents just starting this journey? 🙂
Hi Melanie! I love that you are already parenting forward by thinking ahead. I think that is the key. What do you want to have given your kids in the 18 years that you have them in your home? Then you set up a plan to teach, model and show them these things so they can happily fly. I am writing my first book right now currently titled Raising Kids Without Regret, that I think would resonate with you as it helps you to parent from the end. Sign up to get my newsletter that will begin soon http://www.raisingkidswithoutregret.com or follow me on Facebook. Enjoy those little ones!
Melanie, we are parents to three kids we adopted as elementary-school-aged children. All three have behavioral/health challenges, so although their chronological ages are 10-11-14, their emotional/psychological/functional ages are more like 7-8-11. The two younger kids had zero parenting in their original home, which means they have significant deficits in some basic areas most kids learn as toddlers (don’t touch things that don’t belong to you; ask permission for going outside to play; using silverware adeptly; bathing well; caring for personal belongings). I believe it’s really important to start with very young children teaching basic things. Preschoolers can master such tasks as putting toys away after play, putting dirty clothes in a hamper; hanging up bath towels on a hook at their height; brushing teeth, hair; washing hands and face. As those things become habit, other skills can be layered on top: sorting laundry before washing; pairing socks and folding simple things (towels, for example); putting folded clothes away. A six-year-old can learn to put the clean silverware in its proper place. Our 14-yr-old was doing his own laundry at 9 (detergent pods and a clearly labeled, front-loading washer helps). He is always up and ready for to leave for the school bus stop on time (and this kid is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD). Early bedtimes help assure our kids get up when they need to; even so, we have to supervise their morning routines. Our younger kids are in their rooms by 8 and lights out by 8:30. The older one is almost always asleep by 9. They learned quickly that 6 a.m. comes very early!
Recently, my 8th grader came to me in a panic because he had a diorama due the next day that he had thought wasn’t due til the next week. He assumed that I should be panicking and scrambling to help him get it done. I told him I had already passed 8th grade history. He figured it out…and got an A on it.
You rock!! It is SO hard to not panic along with our children. Remembering that their failure to plan is not our emergency is so important, yet so tough to do sometimes. Your son will always remember the times when he came through for himself more than the ones when you rescued him. Way to go Momma!
Our six-year-old has a small problem with the teacher (he needs the teacher to sign off on a book, and the teacher keeps skipping him), and we just brainstormed with him how he can best approach the teacher about it. He came up with a great solution on his own (I’ll tell him that I finished my book when I greet him in the morning and ask him to come by later). Little things like this is how I hope he will learn how to handle things himself.
I think parents are supposed to be a safety net, not a harness. We’ll help him if there is a real problem, but for the rest we want him to be free and learn how to do things for himself.
I love that at six years old, you are already brainstorming ways for your child to communicate with the teacher instead of you just sending off an email and handling things for him! It will be nice when he’s a teenager and able to handle his own affairs because you set him up for success in that area! Thanks for reading and for your input!
So many of us are trying so hard to be Pintrest perfect parents, at the cost of our children. We need to do less and they need to do more. You can’t pour from and empty cup and parents now are so overwhelmed helicoptering our kids and making sure that their childhood is full. My daughter, ans RA in university sees first hand the kids that are for the first time in their own, they don’t know how to get places, how to prepare meals, how to do laundry. They are lost, and quickly having to navigate real life.
I love this article. And I love the person that commented that failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.
Thank you Angelica for reading and responding! I decided awhile ago to forgo the Pinterest Perfect Parent route. There is no way for me to keep up with that show. I didn’t grow up doing my own laundry, chores or making meals, but I felt capable to do and learn anything when I left home at 18. The difference is now young adults don’t feel confident and are looking for people to help them out because that’s what they are accustomed to. I would love to interview your daughter on what she is experiencing and hear her thoughts. If she would be interested, please have her email me at amy@amycarney.com or message me on Facebook at Amy Carney.
I am not sure about this as a truth for every parent. Although I must admit my hubby wants me to do these things. My kids are very spread out so I have the advantage of seeing how my parenting worked the first go round. I think because I had to do everything for myself and alot for my brother and sister that I felt I didnt have a chance to be a kid. Maybe I have been trying to keep that from happening with my kids. I want them to be kids while they can so I do most things. I applaud you and what you are doing it works for your kids and family. I pray everyday for the same end result with my kids but have a different approach. My 24 year old is responsible and loving and caring and nurturing and I hope I had something to do with that. She knows how to do things and take care of herself and her family she just didnt HAVE to do it as a child. I believe that is a result of how I raised her. I expect to have the same result with my sons, well the youngest one anyway the older has medical/mental health problems that prevent the same growth.
I believe we all do the best we can, with what resources we have and what background we come from! It is a struggle to know if we are doing right or wrong by our kids today. I do my best to nurture and grow my kids up in ways that I view as important. We all just have to know what is important to us in the end and parent our best to that. I never had to do laundry, make meals or do set chores growing up. This generation of kids, where I live anyway, is very entitled. So I want to do my best to combat that with getting them to own their own ‘stuff’ when I can. Thank you so much for reading and commenting Stevie!
Amy, how does bedtime work at your house? Is there a set lights out time? Are you there to say good night or at what age did they start going to bed on their own?
Hi Susan- bedtime is one of the areas that my husband and I do hold sacred by doing our best to always say goodnight to them in their rooms. We are big on sleep and getting enough of it, so we do monitor getting off technology early and getting to bed at a decent time. As the kids have gotten older and are up much later with homework and sports, there are nights that they do put themselves to bed once in awhile and it feels strange. A parenting teacher that I respect and trained under, Susie Walton http://www.indigovillage.com, said that we need to be letting our teenagers put themselves to bed. That is a hard one for me because it’s a sweet ending to the day. I’m trying to let the kids put themselves to bed when they’re ready on weekends though.
I think a crucial point which you indicate is that you and your husband are completely on the same page. Mine has never supported my efforts to do all these things and it has made everything more difficult to make them stick.
So suddenly it’s no longer important for your children to learn to make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences? Sounds hypocritical, or like you only use “they need to learn” as an excuse when you want to get out of parenting responsibilities that YOU chose when you had four kids.
There have not been that many places and generations on earth where children did not have to jump in and start helping out as soon as they were able for the good of the whole family. What you are terming a “responsibility” is actually an upper class privilege.
Amen to this. You are exactly right in this! Thank you for reading and commenting!
Amy, I totally agree with your post. I am a veteran educator (10 years in a high school class, 2 years at an alternative school, 2 years as an administrator) and a mom of two college graduates (22 and 24) who are both gainfully employed, tax-paying citizens. My husband and I did exactly as you did and taught our children responsibility for themselves. Yes, we made sure there was food and taught them to cook. Yes, we made sure they had clothes and taught them how to take care of them. Yes, we bought them a phone and taught them to use the alarm. Yes, we bought them a car and shared the payments with them. We instilled a sense of pride in their ability to earn money, earn good grades, and earn scholarship, all while also playing multiple sports. Both of our children were raised to understand that college was expensive and that they needed to work hard to pay for their educations. Both earned college degrees paid for with scholarships and graduated with no student loans, and no, we did not qualify for government assistance to pay for college. My children did not accomplish this through our lazy parenting. In fact, we were exhausted parents. Because of all the lessons we guided our children through to make them self sufficient, we are proud parents who don’t have to worry about our kids’ being able to survive in the world as adults.
Amen Lynn! I applaud you as an educator and a Mother who has launched self sufficient kids! You are so right that parenting this way is a lot of work. It’s easier to just do for our kids in the moment, rather than teach them for the future. I appreciate you reading and commenting your thoughts!
Thank you for this article, it is really true that enabling is doing something for your kids they are able to do themselves. The key is that they are able to do. Of course you make allowances as they learn, sometimes they need tough love, sometimes the get out of jail card.
Some have said it sounds like you are the lazy one by making the kids do some work-that made me laugh out loud. Having my kids do the laundry, make lunches, even make and clean up after dinner would hardly make a dent in the list of things I do for my kids, and would free me up to do some fun stuff with them I don’t have as much time for as I would like. Giving my kids chores definitely wouldn’t make me feel lazy or neglectful, and would have the added bonus that they wouldn’t show up on weekends during college for me to do their laundry for them 😀
I agree with some things on the list. My kids are pretty self-sufficient when it comes to growing up. My son who is in 10th grade still has a hard time getting out of bed, to the point where he literally has 3-4 alarms set. Before I go on my walk in the early a.m., I do turn on his light, but that is it. It’s funny tho, my daughter sets one alarm and boom she is up and out of bed! I disagree with parents not keeping up with their school life. When you have a child with learning disabilities, it is harder to teach things as simple as remembering to turn in homework.
I, too, have to throw on the light or open the window shade once in awhile if they are sleeping right through the beeping alarm. We definitely talk through a lot about school life when they get home and around the dinner table. Thanks for reading and commenting Heather!
What about managing their money? I started early with the use of my credit cards. I taught them how to use safely on line. They always asked and paid me back and have never spent my money without permission. You need to build financial knowledge. Have your children practice buying goods and services. Show them how to pay bills. Help them earn money and you might even have them start a small business. Show them how to save. Save for college or their first car. help them manage a checking and savings account. Take them to the bank or bank online for practice. When I attended college they were giving away credit cards and most of friends had their first checking account. They didn’t know how to manage a checkbook
Yes Paula! Money is another huge topic that I plan to write about soon. You have hit on a lot of great points and I feel teaching our kids financial responsibility early is really important. All my kids have debit cards attached to their own checking accounts since 13. I will write on that soon, because it’s a great topic! Thanks.
Dear Amy, when my teenager kids got their first jobs…I taught them that they can have the first paycheck to blow as they please and then future pay checks had to be direct deposited into their accounts and given a debit card. Most people would say this is mean but soon my kids realized as most teenagers do with jobs! That money in their pocket is a free for all for friends…meaning ” you got paid lets go to the mall, and by the end no paycheck is left because your friends have spent it for you”. By the time my sons finished high school they had more in the bank than I did at that age. To this day they thank me for showing them how to be financially independent.
I love this Reen! One of my next posts is writing about growing up financially independent kids! Thanks for reading and commenting your wisdom!
I LOVE this article and couldn’t agree with you more. It is unfortunate that some parents rate themselves as a ‘great’ parent because they are so involved with their children’s lives. However, doing all these tasks for their child is detrimental to the child’s growth and development as a successful adult. My 2 year old granddaughter has already made it her responsibility to clean the garden of the puppies poop! Thank you, I will share in several places.
Thank you Fran for reading and sharing my post. I appreciate your comments!
Being judgemental because your parenting you feel is perfect but others who parent different is not great is rude. I did for my babies because they were my life. I had kids because they were very wanted. Not because I wanted to see how much I could become a commandant. I raised 2 independent adults. I would be a hover parent all over again. It worked well. So those goody two shoes parents who’s kids were paying rent at age 12 can judge harshly all they want. I don’t need to be judged, my kids are fine.
Love the do your own school paperwork idea!!! I’m the mom of 4 kids ages 15, 12, 8, and 3 and it gets to be a lot of paperwork! I think I’ll start that one at middle school. Then even our 8 yr old does her own school lunch most of the time, but I’m in the kitchen as she’s making it, so I can see what she chooses. The older three girls are also in charge of sorting out the clean laundry to be delivered to the owners room and folding and putting away their own stuff and towels. That is really out of necessity, because I have a hard time always knowing who’s is who’s and what got handed down, nor do I have the time. Another trick that worked wonders for when my girls would leave the milk or breakfast dishes out after breakfast. Nagging and explaining the cost of milk didn’t work. I finally made it that if it was left out, they owed me dishes. Now when I see the milk left out and no one is there, I thank the last person for offering to do dishes. Once I even just texted a pic of the milk sitting out to my high schooler when she was at school thanking her for dishes. That was fun… for me. She took it really well though. Doing the Dishes has also become the payment for forgotten items the need me to run. It doesn’t happen to often, and sometimes they realize I just can’t. If it gets to be a problem, I liked the idea of once per quarter… (I only live 6 minutes from the schools and my work). Anyway, thanks for the great article!!
PS – Ignore the angry haters and just be glad you’re not them and pray for them because you don’t know what they are going through….. That’s what I tell my kids when they encounter that. You did a great job handling it with respect. There are more than one way to raise a child, but defensive anger is unnecessary.
Love this Dana and really appreciate and value your support and comments! I actually have done the texting the picture thing instead of nagging as well! Love that you are holding your foursome accountable too!
Amy this is an amazing read and extremely poignant! I couldn’t agree more with this parenting style. I was brought up this way and would 100% advocate these methods. The thing is I do no believe my husband’s parents had these tools and that is the main reason I am reluctant to have children with him. How do I get him on board with this parenting style if this isn’t something he understands for himself? My husband is 35 years old, married 5 years now, and over the years I see that these aren’t principles for him as they are for me. I do not enable his behavior and he is clear for not having ADD. In our household of just us two it is a challenge for him to take initiative, he will do chores or his laundry if I ask him to do so but not on his own accord. He is an engineer for a respected company. He will text me throughout the day that he forgot something at home and ask if have seen it or can go home to look for it or bring it to him: his work badges, his keys, his notebooks or his tools. He has lost important expensive tools before that he had to replace. Can I bring it to him? My response 90% of the time is no. He doesn’t get up early in the morning unless I wake him. But I don’t do that if it doesn’t affect somewhere we both have to be. He is chronically late for work, he snoozes for 80 minutes each morning. He’s always still sleeping when I leave the house and most times I don’t get a notification he left the house via alarm until 10am. He forgets about caring for the pets often. He is also dangerously irresponsible. If he cooks he leaves the gas oven on, sometimes through the entire night. He leaves the stove top burners on, the water running in the sink. Every time I ask him to please not do that or advise him to be better about it, it’s equated as nagging or being critical. I’ve tried leaving helpful notes but they are often overlooked. I love him dearly but it’s clear he was brought up in a manner that doesn’t instill the basic principles of independence, competency, and responsibility that you speak of. Is it too late? Any suggestions? Is he capable of parenting? And also hopefully this can be insightful for the parent out there who is enabling this behavior at a young age.
Dear Jessica,
It is time for some serious counseling for both of you. You’re being forced into taking a mother’s role instead of a wife’s. Even the way you describe him seems more like one would speak about a son.
I’m so sorry! But there is certainly hope! Find a good counselor who can give your husband and you the gift of forging an adult relationship.
As a single mom to an only child who is growing up WAY too fast, I have struggled with some of these things. I’m getting better, if I do say so myself, as he is in his last year of middle school and I know that it’s only going to get tougher from here on out. He is on point about doing his chores, but my boyfriend’s kids are not (and they’re older than my son – 15 & 18). The fact that there are no consequences for not doing their chores or for talking back, whining, etc., is a major source of contention for us. What are your thoughts on consequences for these types of behaviors?
My boys (12 and 9) have been getting their own breakfast for years. They love it. Honestly. They enjoy the independence and responsibility they have in feeding themselves. (Still working on getting them to remember to rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. 😉 ) They also make their own lunches, whether packing for school or eating lunch at home on the weekend. I also refuse to bring my older son’s forgotten items to school. I tell him, you’re in 7th grade buddy. You are responsible for your stuff. He’s had a few hard lessons, but I’m not going to be by his side forever, handing him his briefcase as he walks out the door to work.
I completely agree with all eight points on this post. When your kids go off to college, they will be able to function and handle their newfound independence because you paved the way. As a parent, we need to take care of our children and part of that is teaching them how to take care of themselves.
Fantastic post!
Thank you Kristi for reading and commenting on my post! I love picturing you running after your son with his briefcase. I say to my sons, I don’t want to have to apologize to your wife one day because I never taught you these things. It’s so true that kids feel empowered through independence and responsibility.
I could not agree more with this post. I was brought up in a similar style of parenting as you are implementing– not necessarily intentionally, but my parents both had demanding jobs (mom in healthcare and dad a pastor of a large church and a counselor–a 24/7 job). They were just not able to be there for me at the drop of a hat (well, they would be there for the big things) but not “ahhh I forgot my homework!” I don’t think I ever even asked! My husband on the other hand, his mother did everything for him. Homework, paperwork, appointments, food, laundry–even up until the day we were married. It caused a lot of problems in our marriage and depression for my husband because of him feeling like he was a failure. In the interest of my future daughters in law (and my sons too!), I want to avoid that at all costs. We are in our 30s now, and we finally have worked through a lot of these issues (with the help of counseling and a lot of prayer!), but it was a difficult road that we can both look at now and see where missteps were taken in our upbringing (both of us–I have my own share of issues!), and try to avoid those at all costs.
My kids aren’t in high school yet (or middle school) but they are empowered by getting to make their own lunches, picking out their clothes, folding/putting away laundry, etc. Sometimes begrudgingly, but even at their ages, they understand that that is part of their role in the family. It’s not to be served, but to serve.
Most of this is my parenting style as well. My boys are 15, 12, and 10. My older two are often out the door before I even wake up.
I sometimes deliver things to school, but only in rare cases and never for actual schoolwork. I’ve delivered baseball uniforms and clothes or water for band. Food for my youngest – but only because he has allergies and cannot eat food from the cafeteria. Those cases are rare. If it happened often, I’d have a different approach.
I do keep track of grades – but only low grades and missing assignments. I discuss those with my kids and encourage them to get things done. It also lets them know I’m paying attention and won’t let them be lazy. But I don’t go to the teacher for those things- the kids have to work it out themselves. If they can’t, then I’ll intervene, but that hasn’t happened yet.
The only thing I haven’t taught them is cooking. It’s completely my fault in that – I’m a control freak in the kitchen. I have a process down and teaching interrupts my process. I know it’s something I need to do, but I haven’t done it yet.
I, too, would like to teach my kids more cooking and will probably implement more of that as they get older. I have taught them how to follow a recipe and make some breakfast dishes already, but it would be good for them to learn more. Thank you for reading and commenting Liza!
Awesome!! While I still make sure mine get up in the morning sometimes, for the most part they manage on their own. My fault, for my convenience. I AM very good at the rest of this list, though. Because of it, all three of my kids are in leadership roles at school… my eldest is a sophomore who is in honors classes with juniors & seniors & tutors other students in his spare time. My middle child is in a student planning committee that plans AND prepares school functions & events (all on their own) & mentors younger students. My youngest, who is in 5th grade, also tutors other kids at her school & was ‘hired’ to be a dismissal leader. She is also in Beta/honor society.
Kids become what they are expected to. If you expect them to be responsible & succeed, more likely than not, they will rise to the occasion! Thank you for sharing this!
I still have to wake mine once in awhile too, because we are all human! It’s just nice to watch them start doing things for themselves instead of having the expectation that I am to do it all. Thank you for your comments Amie!
I love this!
I give my kids one time per school year each that I will bring something from home. I’m a single mom and business owner… and they thought that since I was just at home anyway, I could run all over, all the time.
I gave up on trying to get my brilliant son to do his homework last year in 8th grade and took a “you suffer the consequences” attitude. At the end of 8th grade, he was one “zero” away from Honor Roll… missing it for the first time ever.
It was a huge wake up call for him because he wants to go to an out of state college… and I’ve already made it clear to all 4 of them that I can’t and won’t pay for college, nor will I cosign student loans. I haven’t had to ask him about homework once this year…
And I love your response Kindall! It is not easy to watch our kids “fail” but crucial that we try and let them feel the pain of their mistakes so that they can get back up and perhaps do it differently the next time… or not 🙂
I read some of the comments but when I got to the naysayers, I had to move on. Lazy??? Good Lord no! It’s hard to stand by and watch your children struggle, (as we all do when we learn new things), but I would so rather they make these mistakes with me nearby as a safety net. Oh you turned your white socks pink. Whelp, here’s how you can try and fix it. Oh you bought the wrong item, we’ll let’s go and return it.
Insisting my 16 and 12 year old be age appropriately independent paid off in spades this summer. I was unexpectedly out of town for 2 weeks when my MIL fell and broke her hip while she was on vacation with us. The kids flew home and with their Dad while I stayed behind to care for Grammy. Dad works full time. Mostly from home, but he is still WORKING. I was so proud of the kids. They held down the fort with nary a fuss.
One thing I would add to your list is grocery shopping. I use an online program to plan my meals and generate a shopping list. When I shop, I take both kids (and their smart phones) with me. We divide the list in thirds and can be in and out of a busy grocery store in about 30 minutes (about $150-$200 grocery order). We also talk about what is a “bargain” and what should be passed by, what fruits are in season and why we buy certain types of meat and not others.
Great Piece! Rock on Mama!
My new friend Lee! I so appreciate you reading and making me smile with your comments. I love your inspiration to teach the kids more about grocery shopping. Great ideas for all of us who are working to teach our kids as much as we can while they’re under our roof!
As a teacher I love reading this article and definitely agree! Overparenting is definitely a problem teachers notice within schools. My parents were the same as you described in this article and I owe it to them that I am the successful adult I am today. My mom did, however, make me breakfast and pack me lunch. I was always so appreciative and was definitely capable of doing it myself once I got to college. Her fun breakfasts and notes that she gave me for lunch were the highlight of my day. I don’t think parents helping with these two things are overparenting. Thanks for the article!
I agree that making meals for kids is not over parenting. I love that your Mom did that for you! I was in the habit for years of making breakfasts and then putting together sandwiches for them to pack for lunch. I enjoy serving my kids but I could see that it was becoming an expectation and that’s why I decided to let them be responsible for their mornings. Thank you for your comments Ally!
Obviously any parenting commentary is full of ambiguity and grey areas because everyone’s situation is different. So this is all about developing self awareness and building executive skills. This is one approach. Please don’t sell my email or send me any spam, thanks.
So, so true! You are right that this is just one approach to parenting four teens. Thanks for your comment!
I made all of these mistakes with my oldest (with one exception, he did his own laundry) and it bit us both in the butt his junior and senior year. I’ve done things completely differently with my teenaged daughter and it’s made her more responsible and more confident. Ironically, I do her laundry, but that’s it!
I find this to be more of a cultural thing than an over parenting thing.
My parents are Hispanic and I’m an only child. So while we didn’t get forgotten items (we lived too far from the private school anyways) I lived at home til I was 30 and my dad always made breakfast and lunch for me til I moved out…..oh but he made breakfast and coffee and lunch for my mom too because he’s just that awesome. My husband is not that awesome ha ha ha…..my mom didn’t like anyone but herself doing laundry because it was her domain and didn’t like anyone in her domain…..and because I was a slacker, they did help with my school projects I forgot, as I would be the first to go to college (while smacking me upside the head). But I’m almost 39 now, had a job since I graduated the first time at 21, do laundry just fine, and am pretty well liked at work so it can happen…..I see your point and I think we all have our lists, but I wouldn’t say our children are destined to never thrive in life if we didn’t agree with all the things on the list……
Your Dad sounds awesome! Of course, my list is just to get people talking and thinking and not saying that kids won’t succeed without knowing how to do these things. I appreciate you taking the time to comment Danette!
Yep my dad would wake me up still for school or work in the mornings til I moved out at thirty too now that I think about it lol!!!!!!
Love it, Yvette…”I think parents are supposed to be a safety net, not a harness.” That’s just what I was thinking. To all you parents who think it’s lazy parenting, you’re missing the point. No one is saying to abandon your kids. Good grief, it goes without saying that parents should always help and teach and guide their children. But coddling them at every whim is not helping anyone. My 15 yr old son recently got his first job, a checking account, and a debit card all in one week. He’s loving it! And when he’s at that job, there is no way I can be there to help him. If he didn’t learn how to stack dishes and clear the table at home when he was 8, he’d be out of luck now! My word, at 20 I was taking my laundry home to my mom because I never learned how to do it. Even though I appreciated it, I was embarrassed about it. How pathetic is that?!
Find balance. It will look different in every family. The lack of common sense to realize this is astonishing to me.
Great original post, by the way. Two thumbs up 🙂
Thank you Bonnie! Yes, it makes me sad that people think that handing responsibilities over to our kids means that we don’t love and support our kids. I see it the opposite. It takes a lot of effort to teach and train up kids to become adults. My guys just turned 15 and are wanting to get jobs too! One has filled out an application online for Safeway, but he’s too nervous to call the manager so far. Guess who won’t be calling the manager for him? 🙂
I raised five children, 3 boys and two girls. I do agree with all of your items because I lost my Mother as a teenager and did not want my children to not be able to care for themselves. But there came a time when the washer and dryer became off limits when I realized that you were washing one item at a time. I did the laundry to save $$. I also would go into their rooms and clean once every other month but always gave a weeks notice that I was going to clean and gave the date. No surprises to annoy me. On Sunday night I gave you your lunch money for the week. How you spent it was up to you.I loved it when someone was upset that they could not find something. I would be glad to help but I charged a fee. Amazingly they always found what they were looking for. I remember a time when my older Daughter was complaining that she was tired of loading the dishwasher. Fine, you can wash, dry and put the dishes away by hand. After a week of that, she was glad to use the dishwasher.
So glad to stumble upon this article at a critical point in my youngsters life! I appreciate you sharing your wealth of knowledge. Please know that your wisdom has helped this Momma out! Thank you so much!!!
We have a family farm, and everyone works. We sell our produce and eggs at a local farmer’s market, and my kids make and sell crafts/art to sell there as well. My 12 year old paid for her own horseback riding lessons for 3 months from the money she earned…and guess what? She decided it wasn’t worth the money. If it had been MY money, I am not sure she would have reached the same conclusions. Everyone has to pull their load…it’s a team effort. Do I bend over backwards to help them when opportunities present themselves? Yes. Do they have to meet me in the middle? Yes. I can tell you that our kids do all of the things listed – every single one…but there are days I get up and make breakfast…they get ONE free pass per semester for me to bring them something they forgot at school. There are hours and hours of conversation about how to handle conflict, how to address issues with teachers and bus drivers and other kids. But they can function and operate as people. I still help my 10-year old with his homework and organization skills…but at some point, they have to become responsible for their own success. They know that their mom and dad have been behind them 110%, but that we also want them to learn to stand on their own two feet. Our oldest one was bullied all the way through middle school…and yes, there were times when we had to intervene. I was her ONLY friend. But she is almost 18 now and a very independent and beautiful young lady. Struggles often carve out beauty in our kids’ lives. Life is what you make it and sometimes you have to work hard for it. Parents sometimes create the illusion that their kids can do everything and have it all…when real life says you have to prioritize and choose. I love this article and am thankful that you were courageous enough to share it.
You are providing your kids so many teaching and growth opportunities which is awesome! Thank you Holly for recognizing the courage in writing about our own parenting journey. I love that it is stirring up a lot of conversation.
My parents raised me like you are raising your children, and I can attest that the method works beautifully. I never felt neglected. I felt adored, as well as in control of my own destiny. My sister and I were both National Merit Scholars. Both of us have advanced degrees from prestigious universities. I’m a published author with several well received novels under my belt. As a fellow writer, you know that initiative, time management, and perseverance are imperative to the writing life. Upon reading some of the comments you have received, I’m grateful to my parents for giving me the gift of self-sufficiency. If their egos had been tied to their parenting, I might be the dreaded adult-child, who outlines plot points with Daddy and calls Mommy to freak out, when deadlines and word counts don’t coincide. Keep doing what you are doing with parenting and writing, because you do both exceptionally!
Thank you so much for your intelligent and inspiring comments! I appreciate you taking the time to post your positive wisdom.
Thank you for this! Excellent advice. Yes, “helicopter” parenting is a very real epidemic. We are trying to raise kids to be self-reliant in a very self-indulgent world. It is interesting; there are parents who are ok with the “helicopter” parenting style, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. I personally think that my children will be much more ready to face the real world and be successful (& happy!) if they are armed with the tools they need to manage their lives & if they know how to solve problems with confidence, not being afraid to make mistakes. The items on your list of things to stop doing for our kids is GREAT-if they can do these things for themselves, they’ll be much more prepared for life away from mom & dad.
I agree with everything except the “grades” and education. Education is a life skill that parents were given the responsibility to ensure in their children. We can delegate but we can not and should not try to abdicate our responsibility. We surely shouldn’t “do” the work “for” our teens, but we should stay involved in their work. To say as a parent I’m totally ignorant of what and how my young adult is learning – while they are still under my roof, or on my dime – I think is borderline neglectful, not helpful. Why would my child think academics are important if I make it seem like they aren’t by never involving myself? That’s how that can be perceived – why should I care mom/dad, when you don’t care enough to help or check on me or talk with me about these things. Why is geometry important to LIFE??? WE show it’s important for more than college by being apart of it with our children. Just taking a class to get into college is a terrible use of a human being’s life and time, and young adults feel that. It feels like a rat race, and many rebel against it. WE bring the relevance because WE are the “authority”. When and IF my children go off to college, it will be under their OWN “authority” and they will need to choose a school where they can respect the professors or teachers they will learn from – in partnership – because they will be paying their own way as their own authority. And we will then become their cheerleaders. Paying is another form of “over-parenting” as well.
THANK YOU!! Sometimes I feel like the only parent who doesn’t allow their children to schedule their lives. They will be adults soon enough but if we don’t teach them now how to make decisions & the mistakes & consequences that go with those decisions, what are we truly teaching them? Well said!!
As a result of my mother’s illness during my childhood, I had a great deal of responsibility at a young age. I woke up my siblings for school, helped them get dressed, filled out forms and often was taken out of school to go to doctor appointments with her. When I had my son I went in a completely different direction. I did everything for him and expected him to do nothing. Huge mistake!! It has taken forever for him to make his way as a grownup. I decided a few years ago that he might have learn the hard way. Several times he has, but I won’t be around forever. He found a good job, saved money, moved in with a friend and is well on his way to adulthood. Oddly enough my mother will often tell me that she’s worried about how he’s doing. I manage to control the urge to remind her that I had more responsibility at 13 than he did at 23!
Great article and much needed advice for this mother. I slack off and then feel guilty when he begins to fail and then step back in to guide, but I need to be stronger and let him fall on his own. I know he can do it and I need to let him. Thank you!
Thank you for reading and sharing your vulnerable thoughts. I know exactly what you mean because watching my kids “fail” is the toughest thing for me. I’m not saying walk away if they aren’t able to successfully manage an area of their life on their own yet. It’s important to help our kids come up with strategies to help them grow in areas that are difficult for them today. We, as parents, cannot always facilitate our kids success and they have to have room to make mistakes and learn from them so that they don’t crumble when we’re no longer there to pick up the pieces.
Wow. This article is a real eye opener for me. I’ve been doing it all for my boys, thinking I was making it easier to do their job of going to school. No wonder my stress level is through the roof. Thank you for making me see that I need to be letting go so that they can function as adults.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts Janet. Start with something simple that you see as important for them to learn. I so agree that school is stressful today, so we want and need to help them. We just have to be careful with how much we do. I always have to work at balancing showing up for my kids and showing up in my own life. Also, God willing my sons will be husbands one day and I don’t want to have to apologize to my daughter-in-laws because I didn’t take the time to teach them life skills when they were under my wing. 🙂
I’m seriously considering getting my son a t-shirt that says “Adult In Training” to remind nosy busy-bodies that at the age of 15, he is not being neglected or abandoned when he is “gently nudged” to do certain things independently without adult supervision. 😉 He is a very talented musician and our local community theater is hosting a Youth Arts Celebration later this month. He wanted to participate, which required going in for an audition yesterday. I resisted the urge to help him with the whole process – from communicating with the person in charge to schedule an audition time and get the details of the event, to deciding what he was going to play and what he was going to wear, etc. – he did it all on his own. We basically told him, we’ll get you there and be there to support you, but you need to tell us when/where and all of the details are up to you to figure out. At first he dragged his feet and wasn’t real thrilled about having to do it all himself, but he did it and the audition was great! He hasn’t heard back yet if they are going to pick him for the final show, but regardless, it was worth it for the smile on his face yesterday when he walked off that stage with the satisfaction of a job well done.
Rock on Liz! I love your comments and can wholeheartedly relate to your story. Resisting the urge is a key phrase to remember in our parenting! I’m board to start selling these t-shirts with you when you’re ready 🙂 You’ve inspired me and many others today I’m sure. Thanks!
Great article! We have definitely taken this approach with our girls, and they are very competent and independent. But now that they are in high school, and are invited to parties, I find myself being the only parent that calls to see if any adults will be home, if there will be drinking allowed, etc. Most parents taking the don’t ask don’t tell approach. So I’m finally getting more involved and asking questions and apparently I’m the exception and ‘ruining their social lives’ because ‘no other parents ask’. I have even busted a party or two by calling parents to check in. Please give me the 8 rules for this.
Thanks for reading and commenting Martha! I am feeling the same as you as I need to talk with the adults as well. I absolutely agree that we need to be in communication with their peers parents. Seems a small percentage of people care about doing this though, so we seem to be in the minority fighting this good fight!
I agree with everything you wrote, but I do have a bit of an issue with the ‘don’t interfere with coaches and teachers’. unfortunately the education system is struggling at best, and failing in many ways. In our district, (which is middle of the road financially, socially, etc) we do not always have a system of accountability for rogue and irresponsible teachers.
I agree that most times youth should handle things first, but when there is not a resolution we do need to be willing to take a stand on our kids behalf. I think in theory your advice on this issue is correct, but the reality is, our children can and are victims of those in authority more often than we’d like to think.
Teachers can bully just as a child can
They can wound in irreparable ways.
Someone needs to be a voice for the kids sometimes.
Nicole
This article is great. I had to have my husband read it also. I have 3 kids…1 girl and 2 boys. I always tell my kids I’m raising them to be capable adults not entitled, self centered individuals. We have to teach our kids to be independent, self reliant people because they will hopefully one day be just that Independent, self reliant, hard working, loving, caring people.
Thank you for writing about what we really need out in the real world and not about what we are all doing wrong by not holding our teens hand. It’s not always easy but we are raising them to be adults.
I agree with some of this, but I also think you need to ease into things. For example at the age of 4 we had our daughter start taking her dirty dishes to the counter by the time she was 8 she was putting her dishes in the dishwasher. When she would “forget” she was called back into the kitchen to take care of her dishes. When she was in 3rd grade she was doing her own laundry, only because she would not turn her clothes right side out (never try to out stubborn your mother!). That is a decision I do not regret. It was one thing I never had to worry about. There are things on the list that I didn’t do. I always followed up on school work, breakfast was made until she wasn’t getting up with enough time to eat it!! I realized we did a good job when I talked to a mom that filled out their child’s applications for college!! Now that’s CRAZY.
When my children were younger, they were constantly forgetting lunches, and planning/getting them to make lunches was a struggle. Starting in middle school, I gave each of them their lunch money on Sunday. I didn’t care if they bought lunch or took lunch from home, I just was going to have nothing to do with lunches other than to take them to the store on Sunday to allow them to buy items (with their money) for their lunches if they were packing. The only other rule was, they HAD to eat lunch. No skipping meals. In high school, they got a whole month’s work of lunch money at the beginning of the month & had to make it last. They learned to manage their money, remember their lunches or make other arrangements. My youngest is now in high school and is making such good lunches that I let her pocket the lunch money and I cover the lunch groceries if she will pack my lunch too. It’s working out great. The other thing is she clips coupons and keeps them organized, and we split the savings. Good deal for both of us!
Hi Amy,
First off, I truly love your blog. I have been referring a few other Mom’s here. Here for me is Bangladesh. My paradigm is slightly different because we live in a household of privilege. By that I mean, I have a maid who handles most of the household chores. However, I do most of the Mom’ing. The ideas you presented here were music to my ears. So, I’ve begun implementing. The kids had become lazy and not “owning” their lives and mine are a bit older than yours, so it was high time. Thanks for this wake up call!
Thank you for reading and commenting Lori! My kids are also growing up in a home of privilege (minus the maid, but boy I’d like a chef!), so it’s very important that they learn to serve themselves instead of looking to others to pick up the pieces for them all of the time. I love that this post got you thinking 🙂
There is no judging here just the truth. The problem in America today is allowing children to be treated like adults without mentoring and supervision (Parenting). The issue here is a teenager is only a teenager for a few years why be forced into adulthood. A parent who believes that there should be no accountability in their teenager’s life is truly lost. There are so many wholes in your parenting theory but I only have time to point out one because I actually like to spend time with my children. We have to give more than just food, shelter and the idea of “here is life good luck I’ll pick you up if you blow or maybe I won’t”. That’s your theory. We have to mentally support, educate, mentor, build self esteem and have unconditional love. This never ends because we are always parents. In any successful business there is always learning, innovation, teamwork and mentorship. That’s the real world, that’s life that’s adulthood. I get it I really do. I had parents just like you. Do it on your own, be responsible, make your own decisions. Hey parent I’m a kid you have the knowledge I don’t why let me make the same mistakes you did. Maybe Henry Ford should of kept is ideas to his self along with Mr. Edison that would’ve been great we would still be traveling by horse and buggy and lighting everything by candlelight. Teach your children life skills yes but you have to allow them to grow into it and hold them accountable. That’s the mentoring part the PARENTING.
Amy,
Thank you for writing this! I agree that independent adults are my end goal as well. We homeschool so the natural consequences are harder to come by acedemcially, though there. We have a plan, and it is their responsibility to complete the plan. Their school year doesn’t “end” until the plan is complete. We are part of a community that meets weekly to discuss and debate the week’s work to which they are accountable to have their work completed. My older three each have a laundry day, my youngest doesn’t mostly because she is 7 and still too short to reach into the washing machine. My oldest is responsible for communicating information to his coaches for football and helps with the carpooling logistics. Second oldest is responsible for helping get dinner started if I am running late from carpool meet. They all take care of the dog. I rarely do any dishes throughout the week as each of the boys has a meal to take care of. Now that my oldest is looking at adulthood in way too short a time, many of our discussions are about “as an adult….” in which he asks questions and I help fill in the appropriate expectations, either mine or general society. These are awesome! Keep up the fine work!
These are all great but I think that it really depends on the child. As a parent, we need to KNOW our children…including their strengths and weaknesses. I readily admit that I did a few of the things listed for my three kids. I made their breakfasts/lunches every morning—never considered not doing it and on most mornings, I received a hug and “thanks mama.” I ran over forgotten things to their school…20 miles away mind you. Did it happen very often? Nope. One time it was my son’s running shoes needed for his cross country meet. We still laugh today–10 years later–that it was the only piece of sporting “equipment” needed and he still forgot them! (And he will still say “thanks mom for bringing them that day” even after a decade later. Even though I did things for them, they all grew up, graduated college, became responsible adults and have good careers. It didn’t hamper or cripple any of them. I realize that if I had different personalities to work with, the outcome might have been different. That’s why I say that you have to know your kids and what will work for them and your family. There is no “one size (or strategy)” that fits all.
Absolutely agree Karen! We have to know our kids and absolutely show them grace at times! Thanks for reading and commenting!
I think a lot depends on the kid, too. If your super-responsible, bed-making, laundry-folding child left her band instrument at home for the first time ever, then I don’t think it’s necessarily “enabling” to run it to school for her, if it doesn’t totally inconvenience you. It’s not unlike my husband once realizing that he had left his pants at home after he already left for work and went to the gym. He called (embarrassed) and said, “I really can’t go to the office in a polo shirt and stinky shorts. Do you think you can bring them to me?” Of course I did, but if I had been at work already or on a trip, I guess he would have had to rearrange his morning to drive all the way home to get his pants.
I don’t like absolutes when it comes to raising kids. However, if you have a child who is routinely depending upon you to bail him/her out of a bind (i.e., more than once or twice a school year), then it’s definitely time for a little tough love.
I agree with both the article and many of the comments. I think the important thing is moving your child along a path toward competent adult-hood at whatever speed that child is capable of moving. Children with Aspergers/autism/ADD/ADHD will move at a slower pace, as they will become overly frustrated by “failure”. I have 4 children, 2 with Asperger’s 2 without. 2 are adults now, and 2 are still in high school, and each of them had different expectations from me as they grew up according to what they could handle, but I refused to baby any of them or coddle them. I kept teaching and modeling routines, visual aids, alarms, and lists helped enormously with the Asperger’s children) and expecting, and eventually they “get” it. Slower than some of their peers, but they do, and they appreciated not being pushed beyond what they could handle. We as parents sometimes get too caught up in the details of things instead of looking at the overall picture of moving forward.
This article is great. I thought I was the only mom who believed in teaching responsibility and independence at a young age. I had twins and starting at 4 years old, they were taught to be in charge of their toys and making of bed. First grade started with being in charge of their back pack, homework papers, and lunch box. Getting to third grade welcomes the alarm clock and making sure you have all your books and work morning and evening. Fifth grade starts with making your lunch. If you forget your lunch or books or homework, do not call me. You explain to the teacher why you don’t have it. If you forgot your homework or book at school, you are welcome to call friends to get the information. If you insist on going back to school you will pay me $5.00 for the trouble…cash up front, no credit! In eight years I only went back once for my daughter and twice for my son…not bad! When they got to the eighth grade I introduced Mr. & Mrs. Washer/Dryer and ironing board and iron. If something didn’t get washed, better planning should be practiced. When they started high school they were very well prepared and planned their time accordingly, with a few glitches here and there. I felt a definite freedom. When I sent them off to college I knew they would be successful because they had a great background in organization and time management. They are now 35 years old with several degrees and both are successful in their fields.
Great advice but i think most of this should be done far before the teen years. my daughter is in first grade and has made her own breakfast for over a year and helps me with lunches, laundry, etc. she forgets something at home- tough. And she’s been her own advocate for what she wants in sports with couches or school with teachers since she was 4. It’s never too early to teach kids these life long skills!
4 is too late. 2 is a better starting age.
Ok, love this. I do have a question about #5 though. What do you do in an instance where a child has a night-before crisis, and you DO actually have time to run to the store for him? Do you go? Do you not go just to make a point? I struggle with this one.
I wrote this really just as a baseline. I do all of these things that I talked about here and there. There are always circumstances to show grace! I would say to help your child, if you are able, as long as it’s not a habit or that it’s expected of you. If you ever feel that it’s expected for you do something then that’s a good sign to back away. Make it clear to your child that you will run out and help them because it works for you to do so and you want to help them out. But, that most likely you won’t be able to do it next time. Thanks for reading and commenting Jenna!
Agree with the sentiment and the independence, for sure! That said, I am a mom of 4 and 2 of my children have special needs — one with autism and one with dyslexia. They need additional help and support that my oldest and even my youngest (at 4) do not require. It’s a tough balance trying to instill independence and yet still honor the difference and where they are developmentally and/or academically. My son with autism has to have a lot of coaching on hygiene as well as a LOT of limits on electronics. My son with dyslexia needs extra support during homework time. We’ll keep working on getting them where they need to be, but after having multiple children with multiple issues, I know that each kid has to be met where they are and expectations have to be different for each one of them based on ability.
Very good article! Long, rambling post coming up!
I have tried to empower my son (my only child) in an effort to prevent him from having an attitude similar to his father’s (my EX husband). During our marriage, I was constantly being asked to help him find his keys, wallet, sunglasses, etc so he could get out the door. When he went on business trips (normally 1-2 nights each week), he asked me to pack his suitcase so he would have everything he needed. I was also called OFTEN to bring him something that he had forgotten. Granted, I had a job, so I could not always accommodate him. But that didn’t stop him from making the call anyway. Living with him was so draining, because it was similar to taking care of a second child!
My son will be 18 in December, and he has been doing his own laundry since he was 10. It is a mandatory life skill that he MUST have. He knows how to use the microwave and stove safely, and he says he loves having the freedom to choose what he would like to eat for dinner. If he didn’t want to eat what I cooked for dinner, he had the freedom to cook something else. He eats school lunch, and fixes his own breakfast.
I am not perfect, though. He uses his alarm clock, but I am guilty of opening his bedroom door (in case he hits the snooze) and making sure he is up and moving on most weekday mornings (I am up by 5:00am anyway). He does not expect this though. On weekends, he often has to work an early shift, and he knows that I like to sleep in occasionally, so I will not be getting up just to make sure he is up.
As for his homework, he works almost every day after school, and often doesn’t come in until after 9:30 or 10:00. I am normally in bed by then, so he comes in, does his homework, and gets to bed. And, I have been lucky enough that he is responsible with his schoolwork and will stay up until midnight if necessary to get it all done. I do not hound him about his homework or tests. I do like having access to powerschool, and I check in on his grades about once a month.
I have also been guilty of getting too involved when he hits a rough patch with a teacher or such, so I have FORCED myself over the last couple of years to step back. Nowadays, if he has an issue, he normally tells me about it, and I just ask him, “Do you want or need me to get involved?” 9 times out of 10, he will say, “No, I can handle it myself.” He NEEDS to learn how to handle those issues, but he knows that I am here to assist if necessary. I am his backup.
There have been a couple of times that I have had to take a forgotten item to him at school, but I am literally 3 blocks from the school, so it isn’t that big of a deal. And, it is has been very rare for that to happen. So, that is kind of a non-issue for us.
I am glad you will be writing about kids and money. Money management is SUCH a critical skill, and one that is often overlooked when it comes to parenting. My son had a paypal account with a debit card from the time he was 10, and 90% of his birthday/Christmas/extra money was deposited there. I kept an eye on what he was doing, and he was always very responsible with it. Now, he has a job, a checking account, and a savings account. He also knows how to prepare a simple budget. His paycheck is directly deposited, and he transfers money every week from checking into savings. He pays his car insurance (I gave him my old 2002 hand-me-down car), gas, and buys any extras that he wants. He understands the importance of saving money for unexpected expenses such as car repairs and such, and it doing very well in planning how much of his paycheck gets saved each week.
As for those of you who say this article is advocating “lazy” parenting, I call foul. I have met too many children who have had parents do EVERYTHING for them while they were growing up, and while some turned out fine and learned what they needed to, there are so many more (like my ex-husband), who could not balance a checkbook, do laundry, or even fix a simple meal like hamburgers or scrambled eggs. My ex-mother-in-law said that she realized that she had effectively crippled her son by never requiring him to learn to do things and make decisions for himself. I have also had friends who say that they WISHED they would have done things differently and taught their children some basic skills rather than doing everything for them.
Yes, parenting also takes love, mentoring, supervision, emotional support, communication, and discipline. Just because I taught my son to be independent does not mean that he thinks I don’t care. He likes having some independence, and I know that when he goes out into the world, he will know how to survive without being a drain on a significant other.
My wife and I have most of these covered with the exception of the laundry. Which left me feeling a bit guilty I have to say. But this is a great read. Thanks for writing it. It’s good to know there are still normal people out there
Andrew, do not feel guilty about a thing! If you read the laundry portion of the post, I said that I do my kids laundry. But, I have had them do it in the past so they know what to do and can do it anytime that their help is needed. Thanks for reading and considering me normal 🙂
We have a teen and have been pretty much hands-off for his high school years. We do have teachers that email us about an assignment that was due and he hadn’t turned it in. My response to their email is “Thanks for letting us know, I’ve forwarded the email to my son.” That’s it. While I appreciate them in communications with us (just imagine if I got email about missing homework assignments when I was in high school!), he is still accountable for his actions. If he doesn’t turn it in. Sucks to be him. He’s fails a couple of times and he had to pay the consequences for his actions.
Michelle, I’m high fiving you right now. A couple of my daughter’s 8th grade teachers email about missing assignments and upcoming work that’s due. I have been debating asking them to take me off their list and replace my email with my daughters. I can appreciate the teacher’s attempt to communicate, because I do think a lot of parents like that. I am going to begin forwarding any future emails to my kiddo and using your response to the teacher. Thanks for reading and commenting!
This is completely how I was raised!
My husband and I have three kids, 15 yr old boy- sophomore, 13 yr boy – 8th grade and 9 yr old girl-4th grade.
My husband does everything it seems for our kids, things I refused to do for them, wake them up in the morning, chases them to bed around 10, packs their lunches and hovers over them about their school work.
Maybe I should back up a bit regarding our first 13 years of marriage my husband worked night shift as he is a police officer, and about 4 years ago he promoted to upper levels that allows him normal hours, normal days except he is on call at any moment if needed. So before the shift change I did the morning duty, the afternoon duty and the nighttime routine and since the change I felt him come in and take over completely. (That is probably another issue for another subject)
For a while there, he was sticking his head in every 15 minutes checking on our oldest and his homework the first year of high school. Which quickly got on our high school kid’s nerves and actually adding to his time in completing his homework. Our 8th grader is easy going, comes home and goes straight to the homework. I advised our oldest to start speaking up and tell his dad that the constant interruptions aren’t helping, he finally did and he has cut back for the most part.
The youngest well she is much more independent then the older two, maybe cause she is a lot like her mom. Now as far as the waking up in the morning routine well the youngest gets up with her alarm,
The 8th grader talked to me that he didn’t like the way his dad woke him up in the morning and my answer was use your alarm clock then so now he gets up to his alarm clock and he told his dad that he wanted to use his alarm clock from now on.
As far as the oldest kid he can sleep through a nuclear bomb which is actually an improvement over the years but still can’t wake up to an alarm to save his life but I also believe that in his mind he knows he doesn’t have to either cause Dad will wake him. We are 2.5 years away from the oldest going to college and he will never make it to classes on his own ever if my husband doesn’t let him figure out how to wake up to an alarm. Good lord my hubby even chases the boys to bed starting at 10 pm, I say let them figure it out and homework is not always finished at 10 either especially for the high school level.
Yes, Dad makes all the lunches, granted yes our 9 year old daughter needs to have her lunches made plus we are trying to teach her good food choices.
I try at times to push my kids to be independent but that apparently does not go over well with the husband. Our youngest is so independent and has been doing things for herself way before the boys ever did.
A few weeks ago I was having a medical procedure done that required me to have a driver afterwards which was my husband. After dropping off the kids that morning here came a text to my husband that the oldest lost his marching shoes and was asking for alternative shoes from home to have for the away game, so he got his dress shoes to take to him on the way to my medical procedure. While I was trying to text my son and tell him he needs to go ask the band director since I figured he probably left them in the drum room and the director cleaned house there besides not many have a size 14 foot like my 15 year old either (he’s 6’4″). So now we are in pre op, here comes another text to my husband from the oldest that he forgot his jeans for travel wear. See it’s not me that gets the texts because well I have done the “bummer, deal with it, I am at work” response.
And yes in the mornings I see the boys with ear buds in, glued to their phones eating breakfast that their dad prepared for them.
Lately, I think I am seeing that my husband is getting irritated but it seems more directed to me for not helping out with the lunches, fixing breakfast, getting them to bed and so on. These were things that I did on my own starting about 5-6 grade and I was event a latch key kid who locked up the house in the morning and came home to an empty house after school. Now my parents label me the rebellious child at 41 since I left for college and well never came back home meaning I found my life at college and settled down in the same city as my college to even having a job at the university.
I think I am waiting for the ticking time bomb to explode and am considering saving this post about the 8 things to stop doing. When he has had enough maybe leave the article out where he could find it to read. I am in 200% agreement with what is said here and have believed that all along. I try not to get involved with issues of academics unless something crosses the moral line, which has happened once.
It was amusing when my husband was out of town for a week last year. Having to wake up the two boys, good grief! I went to the store after the second day and purchased a fog horn to use, but never used it. Threatened them with it and they got moving in the morning. I know I have two weeks coming up in a month where husband will be out of town for work, wonder what I can do in that time or if I can even get things to change. Maybe the alarm clock will be a fog horn sounding off at 6 am but without me going into the bedrooms to coax them out of the beds.
I think I am just quietly waiting until the hubby has had enough although I think the blame will be my fault that I am not helping him out which will be my queue to explain why. Bet your wondering why I don’t approach him now, yes we have a good marriage, yes we can communicate however I don’t think he is ready to actually listen to my input on this subject. Plus, I think in a way he is trying to make up for all the years that he was getting ready for work when I was feeding them dinner and doing the nighttime routine with the kids. I had a great system back then. I am grateful that my kids can completely open up to talk to me and they are a little reluctant with dad just out of fear which I tell them they have nothing to fear and they can talk to their dad which they are learning. I think the idea that their dad is an assistant police chief for our city and well he does have a lot on his plate at work.
We are a close family besides the issues here. We cook dinners together and eat dinner together at the table as a family with no devices. Just need him to let go more and let the kids grow independently.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to write this Denise! I have to ask my husband constantly to please back away from the children. He is a retired pro athlete and is home most of the time now and loves doing for the kids because he missed so much when they were young. There has to be a balance between doing for the kids and having them do for themselves. It’s tough when your spouse doesn’t see it. Just share the article with him now and get his take. Many Dads are chiming in to the conversation. Love the foghorn idea 🙂 May have to get one of those for one of my heavy sleepers! Keep up the great work Momma!
To each his own. I was a hovering parent a great deal. My washer is off limits to anyone but me. I am a laundry nut. I love doing laundry and don’t want my state of the art machine messed with. I also like cooking, so I enjoy making breakfast when kids were young and they were not allowed to leave without eating. Now my daughter who is over 40 always makes good meals for herself and she is single. I did run items to school like forgotten lunch money or a book or so. Not often but it did happen. I can’t imagine not getting it to them if possible. My daughter matured earlier than her younger brother of 7 years. She got herself up in high school, but her choice. My son I got up. I went to bat for my kids alot. I grew up in a home of 7 kids and mom never worked and did get us up and made breakfast for us, but it ended there. I swore my kids would have a very involved parent. And I was and would do it all again. I never worked. I made a choice to be a full time parent and work would get in the way. So working parents have it tougher.
Love EVERYTHING you listed! I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old. I’m also a 5th grade teacher. Encouraging independence is the greatest gift we can give our children! Thanks for an awesome blog!
My opinion:
I did wake my teenagers up for school, mainly because of seminary. It was that important to me that my children get to seminary on time to start their day on a spiritual note.
As a mom, I made my children breakfast and I packed their lunches. I even went so far as to make freshly baked cookies to put in their lunches every morning. I would make a batch of cookies and keep the dough in the refrigerator and each morning bake a dozen cookies. It’s something I wanted to do for them. I found out later that my freshly baked cookies got quite a price in trade at the lunch tables. Michael would trade ONE of my cookies for a bag of chips or a half a sandwich or some other thing that he wanted. Then he would trade another ONE of my cookies for something else he wanted. LOL fine with me! Actually, I got a little ego boost from it Lol!
For dinner, if they did not like what I made, I would tell them there was bread and peanut butter up in the cabinets that they were more than welcome to make themselves a sandwich.
If my student forgot something for school, if it was convenient, I would bring it to them… Especially if they said please. I would not break my neck to do it though.
All of my children have grown into responsible adults, good citizens and great friends to others. I don’t take all of the credit, thank goodness for heavenly assistance! Your children grow up so fast, enjoy every minute of it! I miss those days, however I love that I have a dog children that are also my friends.
*adult children
Thanks for reading and commenting Shelby! I bake muffins a lot for my kids to pack in their lunches and their friends even try to pay them or trade them too. Homemade baked goods are obviously a hit for school lunches for sure! I agree with you that kids grow up fast and we should enjoy every minute of it that we can!
As a mother to a 4 year old, I totally agree with this and am already working on raising my son as a responsible, independent, and kind person.
As someone who was once a child to a mother who hovered over me and never allowed me to do anything myself — even up until I left for college! — I support this even more.
I was incredibly independent naturally, but I struggled in a lot of ways when I first left home. Sure, my mother taught me to do my own chores and cook (because I was a woman), but I wasn’t allowed to drive, talk to strangers, buy things for myself, leave the house without adult supervision (usually my own parents), decide on my education or activities (I was homeschooled as well, so it was a CONSTANT, highly-controlled environment), fill out any forms for myself, apply to college, choose the college I went to, manage money, have money, have a bank account, have a job… the list goes on. And it hurt me a lot when I had to figure everything out on my own as a freshman in college when I was 17.
Not to mention the psychological turmoil it caused. It’s been almost 10 years, and even though now I’m a mother, wife and business owner, and I did it all myself, I still struggle with the mental and emotional damage. Because over-parenting stems from a need for control, and fear. And those are really damaging things to live with as a child, to learn from.
Thanks for writing this!
I totally disagree with most of what is said here.
If your kids forget something, and you are the parent, you are responsible as a parent to make sure they have what they need even if they forget. Kids are kids until they are adults. We dont have to make them suffer through class not having what they need just to try to make them responsible adults. They have plenty of time to be adults.
If your kids forget a project, i dont care if it is the night before. A parent that cares will make sure it is done with their child even if it takes all night. It is the parents job to know whats going on in the childs life and not just be a spectator and say oh you forget a project is due the next day, well you the parent forgot as the responsible one that should have known. Grades are permanent, so until a child graduates it is the parents responsibility to make sure they do what they are supposed to do. Similar to what a supervisor does for a team who works for them. Totally disagree with that.
Making lunches of course when a kid is old enough to cook on their own or make sandwiches they should. Thats basic.
I agree when kids get of age they can do their own laundry.
It is ABSOLUTELY the parents responsibility to talk to teachers or coaches when something goes wrong. A child is a minor and does not know what to say. Even 18 year old kids need to have parents represent them when things go wrong with teachers or coaches. Simple help questions parents dont need to handle, but problems are parents problems, not just kids.
I really can’t stand comments like this. I like being a mom, and time is going to go so quickly that I’ll miss making their school lunches someday. Don’t tell me I’m a bad mom because I like doing these things. You might not want all these responsibilities, but to each his own.
As a teacher for almost 30 years, I cannot agree more. My children are 21, 14 and 14. I have always done their laundry and do not mind it at all, (they put it away), If the clothes are not in the hamper, they are not washed. I do not pick up dirty laundry,
My oldest packed her own lunch starting in middle school. My twins do not make their lunches…I tried to make them do this and they wound up buying every day and it cost me a lot of money. Not to mention they made bad food choices (ice cream and soft pretzels every day is not a good lunch!). For the five minutes it take for me to make them something nutritious, I save money.
I stopped making them breakfast when middle school started because they have to be out the door at 7:00 while I am in the shower. Plenty of cereal, homemade muffins and other assorted carbs are available if they want to eat.
Forget something at home? Take your lumps when you have to tell the teacher that it is on the kitchen table. My only exception is medication. If my son forgets to take it during the morning rush, he will call from school and I will bring it before I head out to work.
Teachers are emailed only if I have a legitimate concern…like my children’s 504 Plans are not being followed. Trust me, no one wants to be “that Mom” who emails over every little thing.
Have a project due? I will get you the supplies but you have to do the work. I will double check something if you ask, but I will not do the project for you. My kids can cook meals, bake desserts, and clean if asked because I have TAUGHT them these skills. They wanted to paint their rooms this summer, and my husband taught them how. They are so proud of how they came out!
Your main point is one that I strive for as a parent…I want to give my children wings. I am in my early 50’s…my parents did not hover over my brother and me and we are successful adults. I am not a bad parent for not doing things for my kids, and neither are you!
3 of my 4 do their own laundry. Once in a while I will throw some in for them if I am on a role. They know when they have dirty clothes. They know how to use the washer and dryer. If they want clean clothes for school then it’s their responsibility to make that happen. My 14 year old always washes his laundry on Sunday night. Most of the time I don’t even have to give him a reminder. My 16 yr old does his own too but usually has 3 or more loads because he waits longer. My oldest is in college and does his at home and away unless he drops by grandmas:) My daughter is 9 and takes care if her own laundry but doesn’t wash it yet. I don’t pack lunches. If they want to take cold lunch they pack it themselves. I don’t do breakfast during the week. They do it themselves. We have a rule to be out of the house by 7:30. Breakfast is started no later than 7:15. Forgot your phone too bad. Forgot your homework, I might go back home, once. Trust me when I say you wint want to forget again. I ask if they have homework everyday. They know they are supposed to do homework as soon as they get home from school, doesn’t always happen but it gets done. There is no excuse for missing assignments or late assignments. They have chores as well. We dont pay allowance. We all live here and do our share. We have a no hanging out with friends during the school week rule as well. I know to some I sound harsh but my kids will grow up to be responsible adults and it starts young. I feel like I am doing them no good by running behind them picking up their faults and fails. I am here to love and support and teach them. Any questions?
Home and family should be a refuge. My experience is that the world teaches children, quite well on its own, that growing-up is hard. It’s strange to me that you feel the need to create that harshness at home. Of course children should take on age appropriate responsibilities, but it seems more than coincidental that the responsibilities you emphasize are things that you otherwise find inconvenient. When your children run into serious issues that they need help with, why would they turn to you? Your answer may be that it’s ok that they don’t, it means that you did your job of teaching them to be self-sufficient. They will turn to someone though.
I’d also suggest you spend some time with children who have been in the juvenile justice system. None of them will complain about how much time their parents spent helping them with homework, or that they were forced to eat nutritious lunches. You’ll find that their parents also taught them self-sufficiency.
That is interesting you suggest I spend time with children who’ve been in the juvenile justice system as we have taken in foster children for years and are in the process of adopting the one who is living with us right now. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Today is my first day of landing my helicopter! Let’s hope I can make it through not waking her up! This is not easy at all, wish me luck I will need it!!!!
I love it Julie! Let us know how it goes. Letting go is a process and some days will go better than others for all involved. Proud of you!
Good for you for writing this! I practice this same philosophy. I used to tell my friend I was practicing “lazy” parenting, but she told me that wasn’t true at all — what I was doing was “empowering” parenting. I only have one daughter who is in 11th grade now. I don’t do any of these things. We do talk about her school work, what she’s learning, how it’s going, etc… but I rarely check online for grades. We phased in some of the other chores. I can’t even remember when I stopped waking her up in the morning it was so long ago! She started making her breakfast and lunch in 6th grade because she (and my husband) had to be up and out by 7:15 and I didn’t leave for work until 8:30. She started doing her own laundry in 9th grade after spending the Summer at a Dance Course at a college where they did all their own laundry and go t themselves to their activities and classes. We started all of this with a 4 week sleep away camp she begged to go to at age 8!!! Where the kids are required to wear watches and mostly get themselves to and from their activities and have assigned chores. I’ve always worked full-time so have never been able to drop everything and bring forgotten things to school — she rarely forgets anything anyway — is that her personality — maybe — or maybe it’s because she knows there is no back-up available if she forgets. Now she is driving so she can get her own school project supplies!!! Anyway — good for you.
“I heard a Mom actually voice out loud that her teen sons were just so cute still, that she loved going in and waking them up every morning. Please stop. ”
It’s too bad that you are asking not to be judged, and in the same breath, you judge other parents. I found myself reluctantly agreeing with your points, in spite of what I found to be and overbearing and holier than thou manner of writing. The sharing of confident parenting techniques could use a little humility.
I literally do all of these things. I have 2 teenagers who can cook full meals, do laundry, clean up after themselves and are getting good grades without my help!! At times I am called lazy for not doing things for them, but they will be much better husbands because I have prepared them for the future!!
I always say to my sons that I’m trying to raise good husbands here. We can at least tell our daughter-in-laws that we tried, right? Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!
How absolutely refreshing! Thank you!
These things can start a lot earlier than the teenage years. My kids are 10, 11 and 16 and they have done things for themselves since they were 7 or 8 years old (maybe earlier). I have not had any influence in classes for the 16 year old since 6th grade. I’m lucky to tell you what classes she takes and I have no idea who her teachers are, she takes care of all of it. She is a sophmore with a 4.4 GPA, so I know she is doing well on her own.
I see soo many helicopter parents that do everything for their kids. The kids can not make their own decisions and freak out when their parents are not always around. I use them as learning lesson for my children. Being independent is a way of life in our house, wish others would allow or help their children grow up.
Yes, Melinda I agree that these things can start a lot earlier in childhood! It’s much easier when independence is just a way of life, like you said. Thanks for reading and commenting!
As a senior in high school, I wish my parents did that for me all along. I mean I’ve been doing my own laundry for a little while now and I occasionally ask mom to do it when my schedule get super insane (like in the fall when I have marching band and theatre activities after school) but other than that my parents have babied me through my school years. I feel like those things would help someone in the long run. This advice should be taken literally. I know I would be a lot more prepared for college if these things were expected of me for years.
Thank you Bri for reading and commenting! How great to get your perspective as a teen who hasn’t even launched yet. Enjoy your last year of high school!
I had those “I forgot this at home.”, I don’t know what to eat and I need this project done by tomorrow. First thing, get a planner they can throw in the backpack to keep track of homework, games, projects, etc. I always have notebook paper, pencils, markers, etc. If I “have to” go anywhere, I charge them, 25 cents a mile, to and from. If I get a phone call at work for something they forgot at home, I charge them 25 cents per mile, to and from, plus time I miss from work. Needless to day, I don’t get calls more than one time. They do their own laundry, cook, do household chores like cleaning the bathroom, vacuum, mop, etc. We also have chickens and a garden. They rototill the garden, help plant, harvest and can. They clean out the chicken coop, feed water etc. You teach then these things so they are productive, self reliant adults, that is the hope. ????
College teacher here. I have met far too many legal adults who have no ability to take criticism, manage their time without reminders (they expect the teacher to remind them to complete things), or to take responsibility for the most basic duties. “I was late to class ’cause my mom didn’t wake me up.” Adults who never heard “no” or were protected from consequences suddenly having to deal with both. It doesn’t go well.
We have a generation of young adults who are lost because they’ve never been taught to be in control of themselves or how to overcome setbacks. If you don’t feel empowered and capable, if your day-to-day has been dictated by someone else, you do not have a sense of security. You are helpless in controlling your destiny.
Boundaries are loving. It shows respect for both parties. It is not abandonment. You can be a “guide on the side” and loving, you can even do laundry if that’s your thing, but yoir adult will get much further in life, with more long-term opportunities, if they show up fully prepared for the task.
Some parents never do. 🙁 The idea is that all this other stuff is a distraction from academics (especially math and science).
The idea is also that the sons will keep living with the parents for life and the daughters will go from living with their parents to living with their husbands’ parents, so they won’t really *need* to know this stuff until their parents or in-laws go senile or die.
Get enough of these people together in a subculture, and you can get hired, married off, befriended, etc. for your good grades alone no matter how much you suck at everything that isn’t on the test.
I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong way. I grew up with a mom who woke us up in the morning, brought us things if we forgot them, made our lunches, and even did our laundry. All 5 of my siblings are functional, independent, productive members of society who know their mom would do anything for them, but don’t require her to anymore.
When we’re adults, we have the freedom to drive ourselves home if we forget something important. As kids at school, they are captive and totally at our mercy. I believe in mercy and in showing love.
If I think it’s important and I’m able to, I’ll bring stuff to my kids. I believe they will become responsible adults despite sometimes relying on their mom while they’re kids.
Meh. We do all of these for our kids except number 8, and there hasn’t been any detriment. Two are off at college and are doing very well without hand holding, and two more are still at home healthy and happy.
Parenting is guiding your kids through this stuff, and sometimes that means lending a helping hand when it may be aggravating.
Honestly, this smacks a bit of “I have better things to do with my time than parent.”
I think it is sad that you don’t want to be involved in your children’s lives. Some of the best times I enjoy with my children are over breakfast. I’m not still in bed while they get up and ready for school. Why did you have them at all if you don’t want to spend time with them. I feel sorry for your kids. I guess it’s too much work for you to volunteer at their school too. As for forgetting something for school have you never forgotten to bring something to work before so don’t turn around and get it? They are only young for such a short amount of time. Why not cherish those morning instead of staying in bed and being woken by the sound of breakfast dishes. Are you really so selfish you can’t put your children’s clothes in the washer when you are doing your own? I like being a Mum, do you resent your child for taking up time? This post makes me sad. Why judge other parents?
This is all good advice of course, but I think it bears mentioning there’s no one right or wrong way to raise your children. There’s a whole long spectrum between enabling entitled children and tough love. Most of us fall somewhere imperfectly between. The author’s way works for her and her family and that’s great. However, for parents raising young children or looking back and thinking you did it all wrong because you made your kids’ lunches or did their laundries, my personal advice is, go with your gut. If you enjoy doing these things for your children, go ahead and do it guilt-free. There are many ways your children can be contributing members of the family. You may err on the side of doing things for your children they could do for themselves, but this does not mean they won’t grow up into fully functioning, responsible and independent adults. So much of it depends on how, not what. For example, if your child forgets his homework and you deliver it to his school, is he apologetic for taking your time? Does he thank you? Does he understand this was a one-time concession? Does he have empathy, understanding your time is important too? Will he try his best next time to remember his homework? If the answer to all of this is yes, then you’re doing a fine job raising a respectful, empathetic and compassionate young man. Also, I found the author I bit judgmental about the woman who enjoyed waking up her teenage sons. What is the possible harm in that? Her sons will be grown and gone before she knows it. Mothering them is not a crime, it’s an act of love. So much of life and parenting is a process. I don’t recall the exact moment I stopped waking up my children for school or tucking them into bed at night. There was just a natural point in which this ceased and my children put themselves to bed and got themselves up in the morning. I do recall, however, my younger daughter, when she was in high school, asking me if I wouldn’t mind waking her up in the morning. She was setting her clock alarm, but if she had it on a music station, she slept through it. If she set it to an alarm, it was too jarring. She said she missed being woken up by my soothing, gentle voice. Should I have said no, you’re old enough to wake yourself up now? My mother used to wake my four siblings and me up each morning. She would come into our bedrooms and snap open the shades. My older sister tells the story with great fondness, how our mother would go from window – snap! – to window – snap! – and say, “Rise and shine!” It’s one of our favorite childhood memories of a mother who started each of our mornings with cheer and sunshine. I hope my children look back on their own childhoods with this same kind of fondness for something they may have taken for granted at the time, but grow up to appreciate more fully. I hope they recall with pride the moments they reached a new milestone or accomplished something on their own. At the same time, I don’t think this will in any way be diminished by those times their father and I supported them or went out of our way to make something a little more possible for them.
Thank you so much for your wise and thought out comment to this post! I loved when you said “There’s a whole long spectrum between enabling entitled children and tough love. Most of us fall somewhere imperfectly between.” So true!
Thanks for this! I’ve got six kids and am on my fourth teenager. Ever since they were in Kindergarten I’ve told them that they get two freebies a year (two times when I will bring something to school that they’ve left behind). The funny thing is that they rarely use them. When I asked one of my daughters why she said, “I always save my freebies for a time when it’s really important.” And then they end up not using them at all.
I grew up with a mom who literally refused to do anything for us kids. She used the excuse that she was teaching us to be independent but 90% of it was just laziness. She did end up teaching us to be incredibly independent which, now that I’m older, I am really grateful for. But I don’t care much for my mom as an adult because I got the underlying message that I wasn’t important enough to go to any effort for. I was (and still am) super angry at her for not even bothering to make us breakfast. So I told myself that when I had kids I would always make them a nice breakfast. Which I usually do. To me feeding the people I love is terribly important. So I’m going to disagree with you on that one. But my kids do start making lunches once they get to high school.
Here’s the one thing that drives me battiest about hovering parents: ones who carry their kids’ backpacks! We live in a neighborhood where most kids walk to school and I can’t tell you how many parents take their kids’ backpacks on the walk home! Why??? None of the kids are bringing home huge textbooks! It’s not like they’ve had such a hard day! You know who has had a hard day? Me! I’m going to make my son wear his backpack home AND carry my purse!
Thanks for reading and commenting Hildie! Way to go with 6 kiddos! I absolutely agree with you about taking time to show love through our meals. Almost every night, I cook a family dinner and love our time connecting over that meal. I also make breakfasts on the weekends when we have time to actually relax and savor the meal. If my kids didn’t have to be out the door so early, I would most likely make more weekday breakfasts too. I think its about figuring out the right balance in our own family and what that looks like depending on our circumstances. I’m glad this article really has people thinking and talking. Thanks for being one of them!
Teaching kids to be self regulating is important. A number of studies show that the long term impact of not gaining those skills early on to have impact on aggression, academics and more. They key is setting expectations for the entire family. This can be challenging any any household but as family dynamics change (step-parents, caretakers, etc) it because even more difficult. We all need reminders and it’s OK to provide tools to kids to do that (watches, phones, etc with calenders and reminders) but only they can make the decision to plan and do what is needed. I am a mom of an 8 year old and recently co-founded a company with my co-founder (he has 2 kids under 10) call MyPinwheel. The mobile app servixe gives families the tools to help do this. We are not launched yet but be on the lookout for us at iFundwomen.com November 1. You got two parents who is passionate about this topic and hoping to build some tools we can all use!
Totally agree with every item, but it also needs to be tempered with knowing your own child and their individual situation. It was a LONG road getting my son to get himself up and to his school. 6 years of Jr. high and High school, and he still was bad. I would still try and wake him up sometimes when I was just at my wits end, but often he would just go back to sleep, I would go about my business and then the sh*% would hit the fan. He suffered having to walk or ride his bike instead of getting a ride, detentions, lower grades, making up gym classes during his free time, failing classes in college, and even loss of employment before he was finally able to get himself up and out the door on a regular basis at age 23…ARG!! —we even had him go through sleep disorder testing at the hospital because we thought there had to be something physically wrong with him! Nothing more than sleep deprived and a heavy sleeper, and obviously a very high threshold for suffering adverse consequences.
My kids are 9 years apart. A Boy with ADD issues, and a girl who is more organized than I am…..Crazy! I wish the grade check programs had existed when my son was in middle and high school. He really needed that constant check and reminder from us, as well as giving us the ability to give more immediate consequences when he didn’t live up to his responsibilities—-No, you don’t get to play soccer this weekend, you are failing math and have 4 homework assignments missing—He needed that structure, and it was much harder to give it to him when we only had teacher communication to rely on. The irony is that the grade programs and teacher websites are common place now and my daughter doesn’t need that from us. I didn’t check it once during middle school for her, and have only checked it twice so far during her Freshman year, and once was to check her class schedule, not grades. I think these tools are really important, no matter what your child is like. My kids can use these systems too to keep themselves organized and on track or to communicate with a teacher or professor directly. My son still has issues, but these computer systems have slowly helped him improve his ability to stay on track and advocate for himself.
I spent a wonderful week keeping 3 of my grandsons (then ages 9, 7, 5) while their parents were out of town. Each morning I had them line up at the door to look them over. Asked them if anyone forgot to put on their underwear, brush their teeth, make their beds, etc. or if they were wearing pajama bottoms or slippers. Each morning the “inspection” had different remarks and they loved it. Sometimes I would ask them to spell a word. Everything went smoothly, but I did get nicknamed the “piano Nazi.”
Every child and parent are unique. What works for one kid, might not work for another. Teaching competency can be done with these suggestions or letting a kid navigate a trip, drive on the highway, learn how to iron. You can discuss how to establish trust of another. Discuss using your judgment. I don’t really worry that my kid won’t eat at college if I am not making their meal, I do worry they may not know if a classmate is trustworthy or how to manage their time.
Some kids have a harder time waking up. Others need to consult parents on busy schedules because of the impact their schedule has on the rest of the family.
Point is parenting is not “One size fits all”.
LOL OMG, I found someone who parents almost like me. I do all those things.
I have 2 adult (children) and 4 children. I haven’t had to deal with so much that I see other parents doing- like all the stuff you said. Even at the elementary level, I have had a teacher call him and say one of my kids brought a toy to school. My response was: were they aware this was a rule? Yes. Do you have a regular policy for dealing with this? Yes. Then you should be having this conversation with my child so why are you calling me? If those 2 things are in place, I (and my kids know this) will support the teacher/ coach 100%. My kids are smart, like most kids and they do learn quickly. You just have to step back and let them learn. Great article. Totally sharing!!!
I was a single mom and had no choice but to have my kids start doing this stuff for themselves around 4th grade. My oldest 2 daughters helped their younger brother and sister with homework, lunches and laundry. I went to school in the afternoon and worked the overnight shift so they got themselves up and to school too.
I often felt guilty and did reward them with free time whenever I could but they grew up to be very independent, successful adults and great parents.
So what is it that you do, exactly? There is a very real difference between getting your child ready for the adult world and checking out completely as a parent. Let’s see – you don’t do breakfast, lunches, turn around for forgotten things (although I am sure you will turn around for something that YOU forgot), you don’t interact with teachers and coaches, don’t know what they are working on in school, and once in a blue moon will check their grades so that they know that you “care.” So again, what is it that you do as a parent? Oh. That’s right. You write blogs that excuse away your laziness.
I just have a freshly one year old now but this is basically how I’ve envisioned raising him! I love your response to not knowing what they lack for lunch… I look forward providing healthy options and worrying about the choices he (and possibly his siblings) will make! This was a refreshing article since it seems a lot of my generation fall under the category of “helicopter parents.”
What if I don’t do these things for my daughter but my daughter is getting bad grades at school, the most forgetful person on earth, does the bare minimum on everything, and has no respect for anyone? I don’t get how we could be more tough on her. She has daily chores and we take her phone away as a consequence. She doesn’t seem to learn from her mistakes. She misses the bus because she doesn’t get ready in time. It takes her 2 hours to get ready! I don’t take her in unless I’m already going into town and won’t write a note to get her out of trouble. None of these natural consequences seem to motivate her and change her. We do offer to help her with homework but she never wants us to. It’s like she just thinks she is doomed and doesn’t try because she keeps forgetting things and continues to have missing assignments and bad grades. What do you suggest? Any advice? She is 14.
Hi Leigh. Thank you for reading and for your authentic response and questions. Our kids are all different and how they will respond will be different as well. I would recommend that you keep doing what you’re doing and team with the school guidance counselor or someone who knows your daughter and can help you implement new strategies that will maybe work better for her. 14 is a tough age for girls and their parents. Keep up the great work Momma and I appreciate you commenting.
Two words = LOVE THIS!
We always remind our kids we are teaching them LIFE SKILLS but not doing everything for them. This is awesome, thank you for bravely posting this. I am chosing not to read the comments here. Sure there are some tough ones.
Thank you for reading and commenting Julia! Sounds like we are on the same parenting page!
My mom worked nights, 11:00-7:00, and my dad worked days, 6:00-5:00, so I had to wake up to an alarm clock from the time I was in first grade and get myself ready for school. When I was 9 years old, my mom broke her ankle, so I had to do the laundry, hang it out on the clothesline, and do the ironing. I also started cooking meals when I was 9 and took care of my baby sister (feeding, diapering, walks, etc.). I also took phone orders for my dad who was a salesman and made my own appointments all before starting high school. Plus I was an honors student & played piano. Did I mention that my parents were alcoholics & mom suffered from depression? I never questioned any of these things and believe I am a stronger person because of my experiences.
Trust me these suggestions are good ones! I know because I am now raising grandkids because I SHOULD HAVE done more of this type of parenting with my own daughter, but instead I did too much for her for far too long! She now has a HUGE sense of entitlement! She 8s my youngest and I did differently with her two older brothers. They work and support their own families! I have never had to take care of them or their children. I did more for her because she was diagnosed bipolar as a teen. It was the wrong thing to do. I let that diagnosis be an excuse for her. She has no sense of responsibility at all. Doesn’t pay bills, and makes HORRIBLE choices. I am raising her 3 children because she went to prison. I am parenting these kids like I did my sons! They too are ADHD, but I don’t make excuses for them. They wake themselves up, they alone are rsponsible for homework, they have chores and consequences. The oldest takes care of responsibilities like band and show choir practices, usually has rides available or let’s me know way ahead of time if she needs me to drive her. I have not checked any grades on the computer. I don’t take forgotten items to school. The oldest does her own laundry, second oldest is learning to fix full meals. Soon he will be doing his laundry as well. Yes each child is different, but I for one have seen first hand the difference in how I parented my own….by the way, my two sons are also bipolar…Yet they still are responsible functioning adults!
Yes, you are spot on! And if they can’t do all of the 8 items mentioned on your list, they should NOT have a smart phone.
GOOD Suggestions. BAD Suggestions.
GREAT Sharing. BAD discussions.
What we can learn is the good part of raising youngsters? What they learn is the GREAT part of our next generation(s)! [Ask the grand parents!]
Everyone can be social and have good kids… Sharing is about ‘your’ experience, ‘your’ opinion.
Why is the Mom “thing” a sharing that we get emotional on paper/email/chat/blog. Save the emotions for your children and know that the positive ones will be the ones they will smile with once you’re gone and they re ARE adults.
This is a great read. I have two children, my son is 10 years old and my daughter is 6 years old. I work in Higher Education (student affairs) as an upper level administrator and PREACH the importance of parents to “let go” – when it’s time for college. Problem is, I don’t listen to my own advice!!!!!! Parents start young, middle school is fantastic. I have yet to do that myself, although my son is still in 5th grade but I should. He’s also struggling with some behavioral issues (crying a lot, snaps at the littlest things, not paying attention in school etc) and cannot follow simple steps – but this is no excuse. I need to get my act together and start practicing now. This is a good place to start with your suggestions for backing down and allowing THEIR CHOICES to have consequences either positive or negative. Parenting a child, then a young adult, then an adult (because some adults still need their moms and dads) is challenging to say the least. I’m glad to see I am not alone in my struggles. Thanks for reading my response.
Thanks Suzanne for reading and commenting! I’m glad that this post resonated with you as your kids are at a great age to start implementing some tools for self sufficiency if that works for your family.
Hi Amy! I had no idea you were writing this blog! So exciting! I so agree with this. I want to point out to readers that this is NOT the easy/lazy way. It is much easier to do it all for them than to train them to do it. It’s not like they roll over and comply right away… Ha! I commend you, Amy, because this is truly the harder thing to do. It requires way more discipline on your part. It pains me to let my children fail. Many times I do not because it is so hard to watch them suffer the consequences (and often they are consequences for me too!). But when I am strong, I do because I know it is growing them and that is really our job as parents. I am inspired by your boldness and courage to do things the hard way for the sake of your kids!
Hi Kristen! So fun that you found me on here. Miss seeing you guys! Thank you for recognizing that stepping back and letting our kids begin to navigate life takes a lot of effort actually. Thanks for reading and for your encouragement!
Parenting is not as black and white as I took this article to indicate. My mother was a wonderful stay at home mom. She made my lunch for school, she helped me with my homework. If I overslept, she woke me. She brought me stuff if I forgot it…..etc. But she also gradually expected more of me as I grew older, but never denied me assistance if I asked. I don’t feel like it made me incompetent at all. I grew up self-confident and sure that my mom would always be there for me if she could. I went out of state to college on my own, finished with a master’s……I have a job, husband, 2 children of my own…..and I do the same things for them. My oldest son is also out of state in college – very independent. I do not micro-manage any part of his life. I think you can teach independence without neglecting, frustrating, embarrassing, or stressing out your children.
Why do you feel the need to self righteously belittle parents who are different than you?
I’ve been doing all of this for my now 13 year old. I started some of these things in elementary school, such as getting herself out of bed. Recently, I added doing her own laundry to the list. She was supposed to be folding the laundry for us but once I found clothes (again) in the laundry basket, belonging to me (that I had JUST washed and dried and was in “the pile” to be folded), I told her I was so depleted I just can’t do her laundry anymore. So, we’ll see how that goes. I imagine there will be a few times she will be pulling dirty stuff out of her laundry because she didn’t get around to doing any wash, or going without underwear because once again, no laundry has been done for two weeks. So, stay tuned on that one. What I have going for me is that I honestly don’t care if my kids even likes me. I know she will LOVE me and appreciate how I raised her when she is a successful adult, as she watches the majority of the kids flounder around her. I’m starting the process all over again with my son, who is now in grade 1. Still packing his lunch but what ever he doesn’t eat, that is his snack when he gets home. I teach them not to waste food, early on.
Thanks for writing this! It’s a great reminder that encouraging and rewarding irresponsible behavior does not create a responsible adult! I am shocked by some of the disparaging comments, but I’ve learned over the years that when people feel a twinge of guilt, one response is to lash out at the messenger. I know in our case, I sometimes feel I’m not doing enough of what you’re describing and need to do better, but in others, I am doing a great job! The key is balance-one example is that when my son is hard at work on a project, I am happy to make him a meal so that he can keep his train of thought going, but if he’s lazing around playing a video game, nope! He can fix it himself! People should realize it’s NOT about each specific item on your list, but rather about fostering responsibility for oneself and not bailing a child out when they make poor choices. It may look a little different in different households, but that SHOULD be our goal for all of our children! As a former teacher, I find those households who have struck the proper balance between nurturing and fostering independent, responsible young people produce the kiddos who are a pleasure to be around!
Thanks for reading and commenting Carrie. Yes, parenting should absolutely look different for each family and home! Thank you for recognizing that this post is just to get parents thinking and not demanding that people follow exactly what I’m doing. I love how you mentioned balancing nurturing and fostering independence in our kids. Yes!!
It really sounds to me that you do nothing for your children that they’re raising themselves I truly hope with all of this Babble that you are at least over seeing what these children are doing you know sometimes people have lost the concept that they are supposed to mold and parent their children so they sit back and let them basically fend for themselves in what Society is this fair to the child? You can raise happy healthy independent children but also guiding them and helping them on a daily basis to achieve those goals instead of basically saying this is the world and you navigate on your own or you don’t navigate it! The truth of the matter is some children become overwhelmed and they just stop therefore they do not become accomplished adults!
I was actually told by one parent that I was too harsh with my kids, and that they were going to get a bad grade because of me. My response was, ” Do you work? Yeah, I didn’t think so; as I can’t imagine calling my boss and asking him to bring my laptop to me because I forgot to bring it home to finish my work. In addition, their bad grade IN 3RD GRADE means nothing on their high school transcript, but means everything in the “real world” in which most people live.
First, I do not want to offend anyone who is fortunate enough to stay home with their kids instead of work outside of the home, I am just not one of those people. One evening I was trying to make it to a High School Scholar’s Bowl match and was 10 minutes late due to traffic. I had stayed home with my kids when they were young but I was no longer needed at the school and knew I wanted to continue my career. Which I did. A parent turned to me when I sat down and said, ” was on fire earlier, sorry you missed it. Bet you are rethinking that whole going back to work thing now.” My response was, “Um, no, I am NOT rethinking the going back to work thing, because one day my children need to know that they were not born into royalty, and we work for the things we want. They do now and will continue to respect me for that. And BTW, when they are off to college and you have nothing to do, because you spend 100% of your days at the school kissing teachers’/administrators’ a$$, I will be able to give work/life experience, will have a life and a different set of friends, and proud that because I didn’t have a choice but to work, that I worked my butt off and climbed the ladder to provide them with the college education they need as well as the life skills that will get them past the frat house. Now, don’t you EVER doubt my skills as a mother again.” There may or may not have been some inappropriate expletives in there. I was one of the few moms in our neighborhood who worked. You deal with the cards you’ve been dealt.
Finally, a few things my kids knew beginning in 3rd grade:
1) “Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part”
2) “The laundry detergent is just above the washer.”
3) “Aww. That is a pickle. But see I already completed all of those classes you are in now.” (Read: Never wake me up at 11:30 pm to tell me you are out of ink, need me to proof a 14-page paper, or type said paper.)
4) Wait. The shoes that you said you tried on two days ago are hurting your toes and you have to wear them tonight for a concert? Isn’t it terrible? My toes are crammed into pumps everyday.
5)No.
And finally, one they knew then, but really understand now: I love you more than life itself and I want the best for you. Watching you hurt because you are going to get points taken off in 3rd grade made me almost sick. But it also taught you to be intrinsically concerned about your grades, and for that I am proud. (of my academically sound college students).
Again, I admire stay at home moms. It is the hardest job anyone will ever do, and the one that gets the least amount of recognition or appreciation.
Ok. Getting off of my soap stand.
Thanks for reading and for your comments Cindy! Yes, I always tell my kids that if I had a full time corporate job I wouldn’t be around to do these things for them and I think it’s really important that they understand that. Intrinsic motivation is one of the best gifts we can instill in our children! Much better that they start to work through failure in 3rd grade than later in life. Good job Momma!
I have a problem with the way you have worded some of your points, but I understand what you were trying to get across. 🙂
Very well stated. Your kids are getting valuable life lessons. Nice job.
This sounds a lot like the Foster W. Cline book “Parenting With Love and Logic.” I’m taking the seminars now and it’s really eye opening. I was babying my youngest (who is almost 14) and was frustrated with his lack of initiative. Now he’s getting himself ready in the morning, making his own breakfast, packing his lunch, doing his laundry and is taking ownership of his school assignments. This is a great list.
I love this❤️ Great read!
I, also, very much am a “teach the responsibility” mom!
I have 4 children, my 2 oldest being on their own, my oldest daughter has served as a US Marine and now has 4 different esthetic licenses and my son in his first year of college but had his associates degree before graduating from high school while making 1st team all state in basketball, and I have my 2 LIL ones 10 & 8.
My oldest ones could have not been that motivated if I did everything for them!! I am strict, loving, I trust them, give them freedom to make their choices, have a good time with them but set some serious boundaries of what I expect!
I’m not a delivery service and they know and respect that! If they absolutely need something I do deliver for 1$;) we make it fun, I do a jig and say “WHOOP WHOOP”, rubbing my hands together wondering what I’m going to spend my 1$ on;) it hardly happens tho! If they go outside in their socks they owe me 2$, I feel that disrespects my hard earned money to put holes in their socks! Harsh maybe? But such simple respect goes a long way in life!
I love to raise little people that I will always love to be around and it starts young!! By the time they are teens, their just easy nice people to be around! It may be repetition for quite a few years but it sure pays off and I will never be exhausted from anyone running me ragged!!!
I lost my husband, the daddy to my children, 3 years ago to swine flu-very sudden! Im thankful to have responsible children with boundaries because I could have not went through that grief with children without rules!! Before 18 there rules, after 18 it’s called the law and I want them to know how to respect both!!
Thank you and my blessings to all in this awesome journey of parenting!❤️
My marriage ended when my son was 8. I work full time and this made parenting a real challenge. At 12, he was too old for DayCare, so my expectations for him shifted. I employed the method Amy outlined in her blog.
I could not be there to deliver forgotten items or do homework. I was already at work when he needed to get up for school. I had to work to support us so I couldn’t be there.
In my experience, if you expect a child to be responsible they will. If you provide a constant “safety net” and do everything for them, well they will use that net. I made it clear to my son that he needed to get himself up and ready for school. He needed to pack lunch and gather his books as I would not be able to remind him or deliver forgotten things. He stepped up! He met my expectations and only slipped up once. He didn’t get up in time for school, so he stayed home that day. He asked for a note, but I wouldn’t do it. His choice of punishment, from the principal, was 3 licks with the paddle or a Saturday of detention. He chose the paddle (He had never been spanked previously).
My son is a happy healthy, well adjusted adult and I couldn’t be prouder of the man he has become.
I’m confused because this post reads as very cold, graceless, and detached, but based on other posts of yours that I’ve read, you seem very close with your kids. *scratches head*
Anyway, as long as your kids know they are loved and that you have their back when they need you, I see no real problems here.
Yes, this post for sure is written in a stronger tone than normal for me. Kinda interesting that this is the one that goes viral! I guess it’s because I wrote it as an extreme to get people thinking and talking. I wrote this as an absolute on purpose but obviously we have grace in all of the areas with our kids. I have close relationship with all of my kids and I don’t think putting responsibility on them has anything to do with that. Thanks Mandy for reading and commenting!
I am a widow with two children who have had to be independent at a younger age than most. They have been doing their own laundry since 8 and they have been getting themselves up on their own for just as long. However, when it comes to high school and grades they get one chance to make good grades enough for scholarships and for opportunities kids don’t think about. My son is a swimmer, a volunteer, a straight A student and takes a very heavy load and if he forgets something, I’m not going to sit back and say oh that’s too bad, because that could cost us thousands of dollars when he gets to college. He is really responsible, but everyone forgets things, especially when stressed out. We are more of a team. I have also caught teachers mistakes in grading on several occasions, by keeping up with his grades. He would address it with the teacher but was too busy to catch the mistakes. He is now in college with a full ride scholarship and doing it all on his own. He is also more mature and wiser. I don’t think helping each other out has hindered him. Sometimes we can become too ridgid in our boundaries and rules and forget helping each other out is important too. There have been times when my kids have brought me my work I have left at home. It happens.
Sorry, we homeschool so I know every detail about my child’s academic career. Kind of hard not to when you are the teacher! LOL
I’ll let you off the hook then Ariel! Ha! I’ve homeschooled the kids at 2 separate times, so I get that! Thanks for reading and commenting.
There are only two main differences between you and I, Amy.
1) I make my daughter’s breakfast and pack her lunch every day. There are three main reasons for this. First, I am awake before her anyway, so I have the time. Second, I am never home for dinner and am usually gone well past bedtime, so making breakfast and lunch is my pleasure and joy. Third, if I don’t teach my daughter to eat whole grains and fresh veggies and lean meats, her friends will teach her to eat pop-tarts and ramen noodles and fast food.
2) I am on my daughter like white on rice when it comes to grades and school work. That includes delivering forgotten homework to school or turning the car around to go home and get it, because receiving a 0 on an assignment that is fully and correctly completed is unacceptable. My daughter’s ability to fill out a job application on her own will be a useless skill if she doesn’t have the grades to put her on the path to getting said job. I had to drop out of high school to become a mother, and my daughter is going to have a future with endless job opportunities if it kills me. (And before you panic, leaving one’s homework behind is also unacceptable and she knows that she will hear about it when it happens).
With all of that being said, I am a single mother and there simply isn’t enough of me to go around. My daughter has been getting herself out of bed, filling out her own school paperwork to the best of her ability, e-mailing her own teachers (for the most part), and doing her own laundry for years.
I like to think I am striking a happy medium between doing for my daughter and having her do for herself. 🙂
Thanks for reading and commenting Christine! I love what you said about striking a happy medium. I think that’s exactly the key. I can get by with not making weekday breakfasts or lunch because I do make dinners most nights. And don’t worry I’m not panicking about anyone’s mothering but my own 🙂 Your daughter is a blessed girl!
Amy, I appreciate your wish to get people thinking. I respect the fact that you and others have a way of parenting that works for you. But the self-righteous tone here can’t be ignored, and by writing in this way you are perpetuating the culture of judgment and opinion that is wreaking havoc on our communities. You say this post went viral, but I’m not sure it went viral in a good way. You seem to have a captive audience. Can’t you leverage that to bring people together rather than adding to a divisive culture of “I’m right/you’re wrong?” If you had softened the tone in a way that made it clear that this is just your philosophy, I might have actually enjoyed the article. It would be cool to see how other people raise their kids, even if it’s different from the way I’m raising mine. But the better-than-thou tone here is what stood out for me and got under my skin and stayed there. If your goal is to lead and foster positive discussion, you have failed here, and I have the feeling, from reading your other posts, that you might have had better intentions. It would be helpful if you called yourself out a bit.
I personally LOVE watching my children blossom into competent young men and women (even if my washer and dryer don’t always appreciate it LOL). It is so fun for me to watch the light go on in their eyes when they master a new skill like cooking or making straight A’s or whatever else they set their minds to. Yes, there are times when I get misty eyed and wish that I could rock them to sleep just one more time, but I am proud of the young adults I will one day let loose out in the world.
Oh Roxanne! I love this! Yes, I too, LOVE watching my kids evolve and grow up, as sad as it is at the same time. I can so relate to you and what you are saying here. Our sons just finished their first quarter as freshmen, and one came to me and said, Mom, I got straight A’s, are you proud of me? And I could see him beaming as he told me. I said, son I can see how proud you are and that makes me proud. It wouldn’t feel the same to either of us if I was hovering over him and his work. Thanks for reading and commenting!
I see what you’re saying. If we keep babying our kids when they’re old enough to do things, how can they grow up? How can they be responsible?
That said, speaking from the point of view of a daughter (not a mom, because my sons are nowhere near their teenage years!), I have to disagree with the counterpoint that by not doing these things, you’re doomed to raise kids who aren’t independent (I don’t believe this was said, but I felt like it was implied, whether on purpose or not.)
My mom did at least half of these things, even in college. I was telling my husband the other day how my favorite memory with my mom is when she would wake us up with a “5-minute warning” and pull the blankets up so we’d be nice and warm while our bodies were waking up for the day.
I loved that she always made sure I had lunch, whether it was homemade or just a couple bucks for a school lunch. I loved that she would prepare our breakfasts (usually just a couple waffles in the toaster).
I love that she still did my laundry so that I didn’t have to worry about that after a full day of high school, any extracurricular so I had, plus the couple of hours I homework that I had to do.
I appreciate all the times that she came to the rescue (and still does), whether because of a failure to plan on my part, or simply that I forgot something.
(One thing she never ever did though, was help us with homework.)
My mom “babied” me for many years. She was no doubt leading a crazy life, but I rarely heard her complain. That has made me appreciate her all the more. It’s the reason why, after all that my mom did for me, I want to make sure that I am ready to take care of her when she comes to an age when she can no longer take care of herself. I told her about this, and she agreed. She said her mom did all of this for her and it’s the reason she is taking care of my grandma in her late stages of Alzheimer’s. It’s hard work, but my mom remembers all of my grandma’s hard work.
I want to add that, in my own time, I told my mom “please stop doing this, I can do it myself.”
I started working when I was 16, sometimes as much as 20 hours a week during the school year. I did this to pay for all of my stuff, to never ask my mom for any money, because although she gave us all she could, I knew money was tight, because I would be the one to access her online bank account to pay the bills.
There came a time when I said “don’t wake me up, I have an alarm.” When I started college and was living at home, (and during the summers in high school), I did my own laundry. When needed, I would cook for myself. I rarely forgot what I needed to bring to school, but I knew my mom worked, so I just as rarely asked for her to come to the rescue.
I just wanted to bring another viewpoint to the table. My brothers are similar in how they grew up. My cousins, whose mom explained to my mom “I will do everything for them, because the day they move out, they have to do everything for themselves, and they will learn how to do it.” (Paraphrasing there!) those cousins – they’re faring very well in life.
I’ve noticed in my own 3yo son that independence comes naturally when I don’t force it on him. He surprised me the first time he got dressed by himself. He likes to show me how he can brush his teeth. He goes to the bathroom without prompting. Yes, there were times he made mistakes and even failed a bit, but watching him want to grow is more beautiful, in my opinion, then me forcing him to grow.
I think it’s important to realize that high schoolers tend to have busy lives. They’re in school for 7 hours, with usually a short lunch break, and almost nonstop learning. Then, they generally have at least 2 hours of homework a day. They may have sports or different clubs. They may have tutoring. They may have a separate activity outside of school. I work with students after school hours and hate when I see a kid at 7pm complaining about how tired he is while he reads a laundry list of things he has done that day and how he still has to write a paper at home.
Kids that age are busy enough without the added stress of making sure they have lunch or clean undwerwear. The day will come when they will worry about it. Helping out at home is one thing, but being expected to fend for yourself can be counterproductive.
Sorry for the essay! I think your main point is “how do you expect your kids to be independent if you’re making them dependent?” I agree that we can’t allow our kids to think “mom will take care of it” — it’s a poor mentality to have. But I like knowing that, even today when I don’t always need my mom, if she can be there, I can rely on her help.
I agree that teens have a lot on their plate and always need a Mom there to support and come alongside them. It’s important to always have grace with our kids and lift the burden when we need to. We absolutely should be mothering with a balance of being there for our kids while allowing them to grow in independence. Thank you for reading and commenting Samantha!
My kids are 8 and 10. For a couple of years they’ve been folding and putting away laundry (they fold everyone’s and put away their own), cleaning their own bathroom, loading and emptying the dishwasher, wiping the counters and table, and sweeping floors. We don’t do homework with them, just ask them to get it done. My cubicle neighbour at work has teenagers that don’t do hardly any of this.
This year I got the younger one catching up to his sister in making his own lunches. Is he perfect at it? Let’s just say he’s gotten better since the first spot-check caught him taking brown sugar mixed with shredded coconut and goldfish crackers early on… 🙂
You will be so happy that you implemented all of this early so that independence will be just second nature when they are teens! So funny about your son’s brown sugar lunch concoction! Thanks for reading and commenting Shawna.
I really like this article!! I started getting my girls ready at the age of 11. Now my girls (22 & 18 yrs) are helping their friends whose parents didn’t do their job to get them ready for high school and college. I know it’s hard but do not rescue them when your kids forget books, homework, forms. Do train them early. Give them a good planner, show them how to use it. Teach them how to be organized. Do these together when they are little like: laundry, making weekly shopping list, scheduling family projects, making lunches. As you do this together it will build confidence and then you can have them take over these simple responsiblities. Enjoy your kids they grow fast!!!!
I love what you said about teaching our kids these things together. I couldn’t agree more! The kids certainly do grow so fast and it’s important to enjoy them while teaching them these life skills. Thanks for reading and commenting Carmen!
OK, so I wrote a long rambling post about my parenting philosophy above, but I have to comment again. I am reading these comments and some of them are making me very angry!! Those of you who are saying that Amy sounds self-righteous and that she is lazy, and implying that her kids will grow up feeling rejected and neglected. SERIOUSLY?!?!
I have used some of these same techniques to teach my son independence, and he will be 18 in December. He is going to college and will be living off-campus next fall. I have the normal “MOM ANXIETIES”, but I know, in my heart, that he will be ok. He can get himself up, he can do his own laundry, he can cook a basic meal, and he can make and stick to a budget. Am I detached because I have been instilling these lessons in him for as long as he can remember? Does the fact that he does his own laundry make me sound lazy? Does the fact that he can get himself up and off to school or work make me sound uncaring? If I am not carrying his backpack to his car and telling him that I will bring him whatever he leaves at home, does that make me a bad Mom? I don’t think so.
If anyone were to ask my son who is always there if he needs assistance, who always “has his back”, and who will move heaven and Earth if he needs it, he will say “MOM DOES” (his dad is out of the picture). If you ask him who has been at EVERY SINGLE band performance, basketball or Tee-Ball game, that would be me. He knows that I love him unconditionally, and that if he has an issue that he cannot resolve, I am there. BUT, he has also THANKFULLY learned that I cannot do everything for him. He also knows that he can talk to me about ANYTHING, and I will not judge him. But, if he needs help with learning how to cope with a certain situation, he can ask for ideas.
Parenting is not an “all or nothing” situation. ALL children are different, and need different things. But one thing cannot be argued. They ALL need certain life skills before they get out on their own.
I didn’t get the “self-righteous vibe” that some of you got from this post. I think Amy was speaking strongly to maybe make some parents THINK about their choices and how those choices may affect their children. Let’s face it. Nobody wants to be living with a teenager and then think……”Have I been doing this wrong all this time?” It is easy to get defensive and get your hackles up, but try not to. Simply think about the message, and not the fact that you “don’t like the tone”. Maybe this blog will shake up your thinking a bit. Maybe your kids are of an age where they are getting ready to move out. I urge you to make sure they are ready to do so.
Thank you for blessing me, Edie, with your comments. You are 100% right that I wrote this strongly to get parents to think and perhaps inspire some to make beneficial change in their families. Some have misconstrued my intention, but that is their perception, so therefore it is their reality. I am being interviewed by people who loved this article and many outlets have republished my post, so I believe that it is helping more people than it is hurting. Jenny McCarthy just told me on her radio show that her son is now using an alarm clock and getting himself up and feeling empowered because of my post 🙂
I think it was a great article! We are living in a day and age where the world has become a very scary place, so I know that our first instinct as parents is to protect our kids at all costs. But it is easy to cross that line from “protecting” to “coddling”.
My fiance’s youngest daughter, who just turned 20 (she is a college sophomore), called him over the weekend and announced that she was moving out on her own. She then told him that she needs tips on laundry, budgeting, and cooking, because her mother never taught her to do any of it. She said that she is totally overwhelmed by it all, managing a household while working and going to college as well. And this sort of thing happens too often!
Keep writing! Cheers!
I could not of put it better myself. You have laid down the basics of EDUCATION. Well done. I honestly hope that more parents follow your example.
Love this – and couldn’t agree more. I always hear parents talking about “We have a lot of homework tonight.” We? I had homework the past two years, when I was in grad school. BUT I DON’T NOW. I might have my own *work* to do, but it has nothing to do with my third-graders reading or math or content studies.
I have to say it was hard for me the other day not to bring his forgotten assignment to school, especially because I was *going* to the school for an event that morning. But I left it at home, right where he left it. Maybe next time he’ll remember!
Thanks for this fantastic advice. (When did you begin to implement the hands-off approach to school lunches? What ages?)
Thank you for reading and commenting Rachel! Yes grad school work is ours, algebra, not so much 🙂 Good for you for leaving the forgotten work at home. It is SO hard to do that sometimes, but we have to! I honestly just started this year (8th-9th grades) not making school lunches. I would usually put together the sandwich/main dish 😉 and they would do the sides into middle school. They started complaining about what I was making or they all wanted different things, so I decided it was their turn. They are certainly capable. I just make sure to have a variety of foods for them to choose from and it’s been good.
Wow, that’s not parenting with a purpose, that’s not parenting at all!! I have three teenagers, a college freshman, a senior in high school and a sophomore and I’ve done all of these things and you know what, I still managed to teach my kids to be responsible. If you never help you children, you teach them to be adults who don’t know how to ask for help!i make lunches, do laundry and drop off forgotten thing and my kids know they can come to me, for anything. When it’s time to talk about serious stuff they know I am there for them. Do I let them make mistakes? Sure they need to learn but taking an all or nothing approach is counterproductive. I still have a college aged daughter who sends me papers to edit. She respects my opinion and that goes a long way when she has a question about sex or alcohol. doing things for your kids isn’t about the actual physical act, it’s about building a trusting and respectful relationship. So far it’s worked well for me.
I agree that building a trusting and respectful relationship with our kids is the most important thing. You are right that kids also need to know how to ask for help when they need it. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment Molly.
Thought-provoking ideas, but not practical for every family.
While you are teaching your kids how to become responsible adults, don’t forget to show them grace! Kids are still just kids.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can say we are definitely on the same page. Our oldest daughter just had a “book” issue at college. All I asked her was, “What are you going to do about it?” We could have very easily picked up the phone and handled it for her, but why??? That’s not being helpful.
The best thing our son’s 8th grade football coach did for us and all the team parents was to tell the players that they had to do their own laundry. It wasn’t mom’s responsibility to wash their equipment. My son is in 9th grade now and when we were away for our anniversary for a few days, he actually threw in a dark load so he and his sister would have clean jeans for school. A-mazing!
The biggest move we made a couple of years ago, when our oldest daughter was a sophomore, was to start making our children fill out all their school, sport, retreat, medical forms. Even now our Freshman son just asks for our signature. Of course, we always make sure the medical parts are filled in correctly, but let me tell you, with practice they have all become very competent.
My two cents: Parents should never, never, ever fill out a college application for your child. If they can’t fill it out for themselves, they are not ready for college. Period. Yes, FASFA is a nightmare even for parents, but they can sit through the application process with you and learn.
Truth is …We want our kids to be competent enough when they leave our house so no one can take advantage of them when they are gone, because …they WILL leave us some day.
Hi Lisa! Thank you for reading and commenting! I love hearing from parents who get the importance of teaching our kids resilience, competence and independence. Yes, will be tough for kids to fill out a college app on their own if they’ve never had to fill out any paperwork before that! Way to go Mommma!
No, I really disagree with the majority of this, as the teenager herself. I understand the importance of parents teaching their children to be mature, responsible, and independent adults, but there needs to be a compromise. You, as a parent, can not just cut off all help, but as the child, there needs to be expectations. My mother did a lot for me up until I left for college this past summer. She woke me up in the mornings, made my lunches for me, did my laundry, etc. But she did not do those things because I was incapable or because she did not teach me how to be responsible. She did those things because she cared for me and she wanted to. Now, that I am on my own, I do my own laundry, I shop and make food, I get myself up in the mornings for class. She taught me how to do those things for myself, and I am perfectly able to. But while I was still living at home and in high school, doing those extra things for me was a way she showed me her love. She held on to those little things for as long as she could because she knew I wouldn’t be at home forever. And, needless to say, I turned out just fine.
Yeah! I’m on the opposite end. My parents NEVER did any of these things for me. Highschool is difficult to get through, it would have been nice to have had some care every once in a while. It’s good to prepare teens for adulthood, but please understand that teens are not adults and do still need support. I also had a friend who had parents doing all these things for her and after our first semester in college, we are in the same place in terms of independence. Makes sure your kids know how to do these things and if you choose to them do them for them that’s fine, just make sure they are appreciating it. Also, what on earth is wrong with making breakfast for your teen? They have to get up absurdly early for their biological clocks and it provides some nice family time.
Yeah! I’m on the opposite end. My parents NEVER did any of these things for me. Highschool is difficult to get through, it would have been nice to have had some care every once in a while. It’s good to prepare teens for adulthood, but please understand that teens are not adults and do still need support. I also had a friend who had parents doing all these things for her and after our first semester in college, we are in the same place in terms of independence. Makes sure your kids know how to do these things and if you choose to them do them for them that’s fine, just make sure they are appreciating it. Also, what on earth is wrong with making breakfast for your teen? They have to get up absurdly early for their biological clocks and it provides some nice family time.
Very interesting post. I don’t think the original post is self-righteous at all, but many of the comments are, on both sides of the issue. 🙂 No one is going to parent the same, and we need to stop criticizing each other.
I agree with what this posts says as an end goal. I don’t think it can (or should) happen all at once. Every child and parent are different. Some children and teens simply cannot handle certain responsibilities at the same age that another teen might, but in another two years maybe they can. Some parents truly love to care for their families in a more hands on way than others. We can’t judge that.
As it turns out, I encourage independence more than my husband does in our family. We have two boys. My husband will fuss over their lunches and getting them to school on time, where as I will be encouraging them (and teaching them) to do their own laundry and how to pick up/clean a room. It is just the way we are and I think we all appreciate each other.
We have to remember that our children learn from EVERYTHING we do. As an example, my husband grew up in a traditional household where his mom did most domestic tasks. However, my husband ran cross country in high school and one of his fondest memories is his dad waking him up early for the morning run and having breakfast waiting for him when he got home. His dad just loved to do it for him, and give his wife a break. Did this make my husband someone who expects everyone to wait on him? On the contrary, I think it taught him how to care for others and that is a wonderful trait in anyone. It is nice to be able to give help and accept help, as well as stepping up and doing your own laundry.
It’s all about balance. I have seen friends who were brought up VERY independently and their outlook on life and others can be kind of harsh and judgemental sometimes. It makes me sad. I also have a couple of friends who were coddled and it has taken them longer to realize they are the grownup now. I guess I prefer muddling through the middle and showing my children both sides to life.
There are too many previous comments for me to read, but I want to tell about my own experience as a teen. My teen years were in the 1970’s, and both of my parents worked. All of these responsibilities were things my sisters and I took for granted. I had a more difficult time managing than my sisters, but still never considered any consequences suffered to be unfair. At 43, I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which explained my weak executive functioning skills, but they are still well above those of young people brought up by parents who covered their tails all the time. When I went away to college, I was amazed by students who had no idea how to do their laundry, or heat up a can of soup if they missed a meal in the dorm cafeteria. Parents, just because a child has challenges, you should not do everything for him/her. Expect all of your children to learn to be as independent as possible. That is the best legacy you can leave them.
Parenting is situational. We have a child who was calculating and manipulative. We had to recognize her for what she was capable of doing and deal with her choices and behaviors accordingly. We have a child whose thoughts and ideas would wander and ramble along creative and innovative lines; she was not irresponsible and her father and I bailed her out numerous times, and enjoyed laughing with the school secretaries when we made our stops at the school office. We have a third child who was actually bullied by a school administrator (it can and really does happen however rarely). My child confessed thoughts of suicide at that time. We sought counseling, and I went after that administrator’s licensure with all means available.
Those young adults have earned masters degrees, have been gainfully employed through college and since then (NO boomerangs here)! They are professionals; they have formed relationships, married and are raising their own families.
There are no hard and fast rules. There is trial and error and there are best intentions. There is love and there is recognizing the difference between parent and friend. Don’t cross the line, but always love your child. The rest is the mystery of faith.
I agree with much of this post. I have raised three amazing, independent, successful young adults that are making a difference in their world. Our youngest is still in college. They all knew how to do laundry, how to cook, how to work, how to be on time and be responsible. Looking back I could have made them do things at a younger age but I am from a different generation. My mom was a stay at home mom, while I worked I had flexibility in my schedule. I made their breakfasts, made their lunches. They could do it if they had to but that was time to talk with them and many teachable moments occurred at breakfast or on the way to school. What I realized when they were in high school they were under so much more pressure than I was at school. There are times when they need to know you are in their corner. I didn’t make excuses for them , didn’t cover for them or do their work, but they did know I was there for them when needed.
My son has a Masters degree and works for ESPN as a editor. My daughter has two Masters Degrees in Neuroscience research and works and lives in London. My youngest graduated last year. She is in college and made the Deans list her first semester. They are all exceptional in different ways but I was always involved in their schools, their activities etc.
Respecting ourselves starts with teaching our kids to respect themselves!! Thanks for the share Ms Pape
This is a pretty great read, however there is one HUGE thing you need to stop doing with your teens. (And maybe it was mentioned before but there are so many comments here!)
Parents-stop texting your children during school hours. When we were kids, we didn’t run to the pay phone to check in with our parents, so there is no reason to text today/ In this blog we see the screenshot where Son #2 asks for his work, and Amy sticks to the family policy of acknowledging that his situation sucks, but then asks if the son wants to be picked up after school in order to get a snack. The text should have stopped at “sucks son”-don’t engage in another conversation. If this happened in class, and the students was told to put away the phone, the most likely answer that would come out of the student would be “but it’s my mom.” Now even if that is done respectfully, this is problematic because the parent is undermining the teacher’s authority (and I’m sure the school’s no phone policy) from afar.
That said, the tone of this blog was great and it was a fun read!
Clearly, Amy does not have any children who have issues. I have seen the coin from both sides. My oldest son has ADD and a Slow Processing Speed Disability. My two youngest children are both in the Gifted and Talented programs at their schools. I understand the logic of backing off to allow your child to take responsibility and generally grow up. But I also feel that for my kids, school is their job. They know that I expect nothing less than A’s an B’s, because I know that’s what they are capable of. I want them to get the most out of school while they are there, because once they are done with school, that’s it, they are done. They can’t go back and make up what they missed in middle school or high school. They need to get as much as they can out of school, so that one day they can be self supporting citizens.
There are several great overarching points described in this article. However, I would caution against advocating a “one-size-fits-all” approach to facilitating resilience, independence, and competence. Such efforts will look different from home to home (as they should), particularly in relation to the some of the things mentioned, like packing lunches, filling out paperwork, etc. A blanket “NO” to parents on the points listed above is inappropriate. Even the decision to wake a child or teen up for school must vary with contextual considerations. I work with adolescents who have experienced concussions and traumatic brain injuries; many of them struggle with sleep following injury and need assistance with wake up from parents. Children with poor working memory or who struggle with inattention, are going to need far more parental intervention and scaffolding with regard to keeping track of assignments, completing schoolwork, and remembering to bring all necessary items to school. For these children, “a lesson in independence” as described above will not teach them what is intended. Other approaches would be more appropriate.
Consider what children and teens might learn when parents do assist in the ways the author cautions not to – these can be opportunities for relationship building, emotional intelligence, service, love, etc. Certainly, be smart about what you do or don’t do for your children, and give them opportunities to develop and learn principles of resilience. This can be accomplished in many ways!
Final note… I was what some might call “spoiled” – my parents sometimes completed my school paperwork, at times woke me for school, brought things I forgot from home, did all of my laundry (really!), and always helped me gather materials I needed for projects or papers that I started at the final hour. Uh oh! Somehow, I still managed to learn self-reliance, resilience, competence in managing my daily life, and the importance of service to others from my parents. I was a lifelong straight-A student, earned a PhD, and enjoy a successful and happy career in service to others. I greatly appreciate what my parents did (and do!) for their children and grandchildren. Thank goodness for my parents who did not worry about what someone else’s idea of good parenting was but instead did their best to impart important principles to their children.
I agree with most of what the author of the above blog entry. As a parent, we need to teach our kids what our expectations are and that there are consequences if they don’t fulfill their responsibilities. They also need to know that if they are struggling that we will help them to figure out a solution. As for the student going to the adult/teacher on their own, I believe that it would depend on the issue at hand. I do also believe that we should have a great line of communication with our children. In some cases we need to be a mediator between the adult/teacher and our child. We would then be unbiased to either person’s dilemma/issue. I have gone to parent teacher conferences where the teacher was using intimidation tactics on me. I felt defeated when I left. I have taught my kids to respect authority figures. Most teachers are passionate about compassion for the children that they are to be teaching. Most teachers teach our children while others teach the subjects. Also, kids with learning difficulties that need to be handled in a different manner/pace/materials/Etc. It is our job as parents, teachers and coaches to build self esteem and to let them know that hard work is how we find success. I don’t think we should baby and coddle our kids, but rather let them know that they are part of a team/class/family. I like to use an analogy, when we think of unity. If everybody doesn’t do their part, it’s like a machine with missing parts. It just doesn’t work. Our kids need to know that we love them, support them and that there are rules/expectations/consequences. I think that we shouldn’t wait for junior high to start teaching them to become independent. Things should be taught from the beginning with age and levels of maturity being considered. I hate it when parents complain to teachers and coaches that their kids should be getting more time to play or better grades(which often times they don’t deserve) I have seen both teachers and coaches appease the parents just to get them off their back. This takes away from the kids who have worked hard for the better grades or more playing time. This is EXACTLY why kids act as if they are entitled to do whatever they want. They are the ones who will never be happy. Here is an example; My kids weren’t just handed keys to my car. I didn’t go buy them a car either. They worked to have their car, money for gas and repairs and even for their insurance premium. Even if they worked and bought a car, they were required to keep their grades up, keep up with their chores and follow the rules if they wanted to drive it. As kids, they were upset that they had to do all these things while their friends were given keys to brand new cars when they turned 16 and got their license. They weren’t required to work.I don’t think that they hold a grudge towards us now. They know that if they want something, they set goals and figure out what it will take to succeed(they know it is hard work). I won’t say that my parenting skills were perfect or that my kids are perfect, but they know how to work hard. They know how to solve problems and how to take responsibility for their actions or the lack of actions. They are involved in the community, work hard, have good kids and are respected. Both of my boys currently are very active on our local volunteer fire dept. In fact, one is the chief and the other is a captain. They have both coached youth programs, soccer, baseball, football and wrestling. They go to city council meetings and have served on many boards and committees. One of my daughters teaches is very involved in Sunday School and the youth ministry. She and her husband are also involved in coaching, fund raising, music and athletic boosters and the volunteer fire dept in their community. My youngest daughter is a single mom of 2 and she works full time. I am a proud mom of 4 and a grandmother of 10. I believe that in spite of my mistakes, I have a wonderful family in which I am very proud. I have had success. I thank God for all the blessings He has poured out to me.
Thank you for sharing this. Very interesting read. I don’t do any of these for my, almost, 15 year old. He is very independent, sometimes too independent for my liking 😉 There are times that I will intervene, though. Its my role as a parent to support my child where needed and times when he needs a bit of tough love and have to sort out issues himself.
Thank God, there is another like minded mother out there! I also use this approach with my 2 teen girls. I have had the naysayers wondering what in the world I do and that my kids aren’t meant to be slaves. No they aren’t however we as parents aren’t either. I work a full-time job 12 hour shifts 7p-7a and they are more than old enough to be held accountable for themselves. They are expected to get themselves up and make sure they’re out at the bus stop every morning. I cook/provide meals, pay the bills and clothe them. They each have their own set of assigned chores that has to be completed on a daily basis as well as what other assignments they have from school. Other kids tell them what I do is child abuse, and the proud mother moment was when my oldest of the 2, (only by 10 months!) responded with “No it isn’t! Our mom loves us very much and is teaching us how to take care of ourselves because she isn’t always going to be there.) To say I was taken back by her response is an understatement! But it also gave me a small amount of validation that maybe they get it!
I wish there was a way that I could like this 1000 times! We used Parenting with Love and Logic for our oldest and continue to do the same for our youngest who is 11 years his junior. My oldest is a non-starter. Not sure why but he’s just wired that way. If there is a way to find a short cut, he’ll take twice as long to find the most half-assed way to do things. I would wash and fold his clothes and hand them off to him to put them away. Rather than do so, I’d find them stuffed under his bed, behind his dresser and in the bottom of his closet. He had warnings and then I just stopped washing his clothes and handed this job off to him when he was 8. I don’t do wash to find them wadded up and unable to tell what is clean and what is dirty.
After I resigned from this position he put his first load of wash in (he wore uniforms at the time and we didn’t have a ton of them. I washed often). After putting them in the washer he got frustrated about something else and stormed off to bed, pouting. He forgot to move the clothes to the dryer. (I secretly cheered because I knew what was about to happen). He got up the next morning to find his soggy clothes still resting in the washing machine with only about 15 minutes to dry…in January. He pulled his damp pants on with a plan up his sleeve. He went to school (private Christian school) and complained about how uncomfortable he was. They promptly called me and told me I must bring him dry pants. NOPE! “But he’s uncomfortable”. “Yep, I would be too. Next time I’d put my clothes in the dryer if I was him.” They pushed back and I told them. “If you let this play out, we’ll never have this problem again. By the way, if he wants to take them off he can. I think he’s also wearing swimming trunks as underwear.” They were no amused. They offered to let him wear some girls orange sweat pants from the lost and found. He wasn’t that uncomfortable. But guess what. He never did that again.
Brenda! I love this story and am giving you a big virtual high five! Thanks for reading, commenting and for making me smile this morning! Good for you!
I agree with this – for the most part. My son is almost 17 – he is in the National Honors Society, has a part-time job, and is not a behavior problem at all. He does not only his laundry, but washes whatever else is in the laundry room as well. Does this mean that I still wash his clothes while I’m doing a load? Yes, it does…
Do I still knock on his door in the morning while his alarm clock is going off? Yes I do….
He eats breakfast at school most of the time – but if I know he has a big test, or it’s been a while – do I fix some bacon and eggs – yes I do.
Does he fill out his own paperwork, sure. He’s managed to fill out job applications and other important papers – but do I always ask to see what it is so I know what is going on, instead of just reading and signing? Yes, I do…
I also keep a supply closet of things he might need for school – especially art projects. Can he drive himself to the store to get what he needs, yep. Does that mean I won’t make a stop for him if he forgets something? Heck, how often do we as adults forget things? Life happens…that is a good lesson for a child to learn as well. Having someone to depend on is a pretty good thing to know as well – it is a model of what they can achieve as adults.
So, as much as I agree to “teach your children well,” I also add that you took on the role of “mom,” don’t squander that role away…..be mom as long as you can while you are teaching them to leave the nest.
Angel I love your response! This sounds more like how I actually parent too. I absolutely agree that we need to come alongside our kids as we raise them to independence. “Be Mom as long as you can while you are teaching them to leave the nest.” Great advice. Thanks for reading and commenting!
While I find this overall great advice, I think that qualifiers need to be put in place. General parenting advice never applies to all. Many people have been blessed with great genes. Others have different brain wiring where consequences makes no impact. Some kids are 6 years behind emotionally. If you followed these points they would never graduate from high school. Any book on ADHD/ADD will tell you that parenting these kids looks very different. Boundaries and guidelines might need to be very different. I would like to encourage these parents , so they don’t feel like they and their children are losers.
Those with children who fit into all these parenting models tend to judge those parents of kids who learn differently. Please qualify the advice, so people don’t miss these truths.
I totally agree with almost everything you stated. We started the kids on alarm clocks in elementary school. Right now mine are in high school and elementary school. The 9 year old I do pack his lunch during wrestling season since he has a stricter diet with no junk food. They sort the laundry, switch from washer to dryer, fold and put away. I start the washer to make sure there isn’t too much soap or softener. The high schooler is getting better with this though. Where I don’t agree is with monitoring academics. My high schooler has an IEP as he struggles with his reading and spelling. The teachers are to provide him with certain services. When he is not getting these, I get involved. He does speak to his teachers but they do not hear him. It takes me to advocate for my son for his voice to be heard. Classrooms get so over crowded that he begins to fall through the system and that is not fair to him. Schools are always talking about how parents aren’t involved. That is another problem. Schools need volunteers. Booster clubs need volunteers. It’s always the same handful of parents that are involved and making everything happen and it get exhausting. My kids know I am there to support their activities and that I am proud of what they accomplish. Just wish there was more help. My husband and I go by leading by example. Our children see how much we care and how we help, how we have furthered our education, but they also do all the chores between the 2 of them so they know how to live in their own. This summer we will begin cooking. Each one will have a night where they fix dinner. My boys are going to learn to take care of themselves, be respectful, help those in need, volunteer with pride, have good work ethic and how to treat a woman. This new generation is becoming rude, lazy, too sensitive and feel they are entitled. That is not how I want my boys to be. Raising good kids is hard and there are too many parents out there that just don’t care or they baby their kids so much they just take everything for granted. Good luck to all those parents out there. Keep your kids on a good path.
This advice resonates with me as a parent and as a teacher. While I understand that this is directed to parents of teens, I can see that the underpinnings begin in the elementary school years. I have written boldly on my 4th, 5th, and 6th grade instrumental music students’ lesson schedules,”Students may not call home for forgotten instruments and supplies.” A student can still participate in the lesson without an instrument on occasions when they forget their supplies. I send home an Issue Note with the students on which they identify what they forgot. Parents sign and students return the note to me at the next lesson. I reinstate their lost class points. Even at that, I have errant musicians who neglect the Issue Note and don’t even take it home. Clearly this demonstrates that the student needs to understand their accountability at a basic level. Thank you for this article.
I guess I have failed as a parent. I’m still doing 3 of the things listed above. Waking them up, packing lunches, and emailing teachers. I have one in 9th grade and my daughter in her first year of college. I guess it’s never too late to change. Thanks for the reminder.
Rachel! I am not calling anyone a failure who does any of these things. I absolutely do them all on occasion. I wrote this because our children are growing up in a very entitled era and I believe it’s important for us as parents to take note of areas where we can hand over more responsibility to our older kids. If your child doesn’t expect you to wake them or make their lunch or handle things with their teacher, then you are good. Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment!
I agree with every single one on your list AND I did every one of those on your list! Forgot your lunch, ask a friend for money or maybe they will share with you, your friends won’t let you starve. Grade not quite what you hoped it would be right before report card time, better ask your teacher for some extra credit.
My two daughters grew up hearing, I am not your friend, I am your mom and my biggest goal in life is to help you grow into a responsible, independent adult. They did. I have a Speech Pathologist and a Psychologist for daughters.
I was always the mean mom, but both daughters have thanked me for being that mean mom and helping them to get to where’s they are now.
I think my favorite rule was that I needed 24 hours notice before they spent the night at a friends. Those phone calls at 10:00, “hey can I spend the night here, we are having fun” only meant trouble. Nope, they came home and hated me. Until the next day when they heard about what happened after they left! Again, Mom knew best.
Thanks for this list!!
Very good advice. As a mother of grown children now, I can attest that this was pretty much the norm at our house. My husband and I both worked full-time, so the teenagers had to pull some of the load at home. If they forgot something, it stayed home. We parents had jobs with specific start times and couldn’t return home for forgotten items. My older three were independent in waking and getting ready for school. My youngest was ADHD so this was challenging. I would give him time warnings, but never went into his room to get him up. When they complained about teachers being unfair, I told them to give the teacher what was wanted, how wanted, and when wanted….because one day they would have a boss who would make demands of them too, so they might as well get used to it now. My children also worked part-time as teens, and now as adults they all have terrific work ethic. Makes a mom really proud.
I’m feeling pretty good about that list with my 14 year old, he’s been making lunches for a couple of years now, asked for an alarm clock for his birthday when he was 12 as well and I don’t make breakfast, ever! I’ve taken in his lunch a couple of times, once cos a seagull nicked his and remind him about homework but it’s not my job to actually do it and I have to trust he has.
He does consistently forget to let me know what’s needed for cooking class though, his teacher is getting a little miffed about that, and so am I.
Youngest is a different kettle of fish, he’s ASD and if I didn’t hover he’d never get dressed in the morning or leave for school!
There is a table by the front desk at my son’s high school, where parents can drop of forgotten items. The school counselors call it the “helicopter landing pad”.
We each are perfectly ok to choose how we each raise our kiddos. I respect your opinion but didn’t like to be told, “Stop it. Just stop it”. Please don’t tell me what to do and I’ll respect you the same.
Wow. You are blessed with amazing kids. I agree with the goal of raising capable kids but after experiencing four kids with a twenty year span between the oldest and youngest, two girls and two boys, I can say without any doubt that this method does not work for all of them. The boys are out of the house now. One son is finally attaining responsible adulthood at 27 whereas the other was very responsible and had a career plan at 16. Both raised the same way with the same parents. That leaves the girls still at home, with again, same parents, same upbringing. I suspect our 14 year old is going to learn her lessons late in life. Left to her own devices she will not set an alarm, wake up late, forget her homework (if she even did it), wear the same dirty underwear for weeks on end or none at all, eat the worst crap or not eat at all so her blood sugar drops, never change her sheets, etc. I seriously worry about how she is going to manage on her own and fear she will not figure it out until she hits bottom. She is not interested in being responsible for herself. Making her responsible just means I have to live with the nasty funk of her room in my house and the possibility she may not graduate high school. Her little sister is complete opposite. She wants to learn how to do everything, wants to do it herself, figures it out on her own and does it herself. At 3, if she wanted a snack, she didn’t bother to ask. She pushed the chair to the pantry so she could reach the child safety latch (they were all a waste of money with her!), unlatch the door, put the chair back, get into the pantry and make herself a snack. At 5 she figured out how to replace the toilet paper on the dispenser, and to this day, she and I are the only two who actually do it. She dresses herself, bathes herself, puts away her laundry, helps with dinner; she is just highly motivated. Parenting two very different personalities with consistency is challenging.
Thank you for this post!!!!! I totally agree!
My kids are quite independent and responsible. With regards to the stuff in the article, my policy is to just treat them like adults. If they forget something and I can help them out without too much disruption to my plans, I’ll do it. If not, I’ll tell them that I can’t. Just as I would do for an adult. And if it happened frequently, I’d tell them that I don’t appreciate them placing a lower value on my time than they do on their own, and I would refuse. Again, just as I would do for an adult.
With the children in our home for years, I am training them for independence. (My 5 and 6 year old unloaded the dish washer after lunch. Together because we are working on team work.)
But on the other extreme is our nearly 17 year old foster youth, who lacks many skills and we must stay on top of everything. Laundry can be done–now, skills developed over a year. But with a history and years of life experience of not showing any responsibility toward anything academic. I will get youth up in time to scramble for the bus. Because I will not be an excuse for missing school. I check on homework, because the training is to NOT do it and blame others as a form of excuse. We are way behind in trying to teach youth to be a productive member of society. It is tough. But I must “baby” in order to teach that one must be responsible not to be used an excuse.
Sooo glad to read this! I parent exactly this way (I have 5 kids from college to first grade) and I so agree that we need to raise competent adults. I have one little guy with Down syndrome, so his chores (contributions to the family) are modified when ability or behavior become a struggle, but otherwise, the kids know I won’t rescue them if they forget things (although like the commenter above, if it’s on my way and I have time, I might do it)… but they know they can’t rely on me to remember. My husband makes our little boys’ lunches, but the others are on their own… both teens are vegetarian (one is actually vegan), so I cook mostly meatless, but on days we have sausage or chicken, they know how to cook. Refreshing article — thanks! I gave up helicopter and Martha Stewart-worthy parenting years ago 😉
Here’s a fun one! Our high school/college experiences with our two kids. Son: We rescued him occasionally, but not often. Really didn’t need or ask for much support from us. He was a straight A student, >4.0 GPA, graduated second in his class, and got a full academic scholarship. He went away to college and struggled. Assignments were late, tests were forgotten about and not studied for. He stayed up too late and missed class. Why? I asked him. Found out that his HS teachers let him slide, often, because he knew the material with no effort. He would ace the final exam or the AP exam and get the A. He also confessed that he had really close friends in high school, mostly girls, who reminded him of everything! We had no idea any of this was going on. Sigh. Daughter: Would never tell us what was going on in school. We would never be asked if she forgot something, as she was not interested in our help in any way, shape or form. Was a solid B student. Picked her own university, wrote a remarkable entrance essay and got a nice scholarship. She wouldn’t let me read the essay until after. She is now a straight A student, has a great campus job, cares about her work, job, and the quality of her friends. Still is not interested in our help. Lesson: We raised them in very similar ways. Sometimes they are who they are, or get the support elsewhere. So, do what seems reasonable and don’t beat yourself up too much. Our influence is important, but still limited.
For the most part, we follow all of these exactly; except for with my stepsons. I do their laundry and make a lunch for them every now and then. I feel like those are a couple things I can do to serve them and show them I care. There aren’t many other ways they will accept it so I try to create a relationship through doing little things for them. They know I won’t bring classwork, I don’t wake them or do the other things you listed but hope the couple things I do will leave an impression for them in their later years.
I love this! I believe in absolutely serving our kids in love! Especially if their love language is Acts of Service, then it’s super important. I started handing over the morning meals when they started complaining about that the breakfast or lunch I made wasn’t what they felt like eating. Perfect- it’s all yours then! Thanks for reading and commenting Kristina!
You start out saying not to judge you because your kids eat packed Ritz crackers for lunch…yet there you are judging someone else for still waking up their kids. I still woke mine right up to their senior year…..and sometimes packed their lunches and reminded them of important things. Funny how they ALL grew up to be well rounded, professional young men.
My kids are 14,10,7,7 and they are all very independent, I follow these same rules with my kids. The only problem I have is an occasional temper tantrum from the twins about keeping their rooms clean. (i just packaged up what was on the floor and they now have to earn it back by doing extra little chores to earn money to pay for each box/bag). They aren’t aloud to see what’s in the box/bag either until they pay for it. My daughter and I had an argument and she asked why I made them do so much, my answer to her was. My job as a parent isn’t to wait hand and foot in you, my job is to prepare you to live in this world without me, so you can survive on your own.
I agree with maybe HALF of this. It partly seems like “tough love” and partly seems like, “Screw you, why should I be responsible for YOUR MISTAKES, kid?” In an already BS world sometimes I give my kids a break, because the world is gonna suck when they’re older. I have told them, they have seen it, and they know it. They appreciate me, and are completely capable. Motherhood isn’t always about being a hard ass, and teaching a lesson. Tenderness and compassion is just as important in my book. I am sure I am going to get so much crap for posting this comment.
Nobody’s going to give you any crap Dana! Glad you read the post and wanted to comment. I agree that we must absolutely balance tenderness and toughness in our parenting. The post is written as an absolute, but I obviously have grace with my kids and do all of these things for them at times.
I completely agree, Dana.
I have 3 kids. all 3 have ADHD and 2 of the 3 have IEP’s in place for special needs. My son has Autism and ADHD. My daughter has Dysgraphia. My oldest daughter has ADHD. Did I bring forgotten items to school for them occasionally? Yes. Did I review what they needed to take to school every morning? Yes. Are they crippled young adults who cannot function?? No. Sheesh, you can not be involved in your kids’ lives as much as you like, but don’t expect me to follow your advice.. Have fun not being involved and raising mediocre kids who don’t care about their work because you taught them not to. And I just BET you are the first one to punish them for not turning in work. Way to set them up to fail..
“I bet you are the first one to punish them for thinking that for some stupid reason they don’t have to do anything.” The teachers give them the opportunity, if anyone has “set them up to fail” it is you. I bet you are a democrat who believes the world owes them. MAYBE YOU NEED A FRIGGIN SAFESPACE KAREN.
I agree with this article 100%. I have been called a mean mom and just this morning received a text from my daughter (11th grade) asking me to drop forgotten items to school that were “needed”. I was tempted to drive it to her but eventually told her, “no can do”. I also don’t make breakfast or pack lunches and I also ask that they wash their breakfast dishes (doesn’t always happen). I do feel that it is a fine line because I want my kids (1 boy & 3 girls) to know that they can count on me when they call but they need to also know that not everything is an “emergency” warranting a call and that they need to be prepared. Funny thing is my daughter did eventually get her forgotten items because she called my mom after I said no and Grandma willingly delivered it cause the rules don’t apply to Grandma. Lol.
I like it! She’s using her problem solving skills and turning to Grandma 🙂 Just this morning I was so grateful that we are raising our kids to be self starters, because I woke up sick and it was so nice that I could come out to four kids all up, fed and ready to head to school. Such a blessing especially on a day like today! Thanks for reading and commenting Kimberly!
I reared my kids to assume appropriate responsibility from infancy. They had little, then bigger chores, there were rules to follow and unpleasant consequences to be had. One thing I focused on as my children grew was teaching them how to make good choices.
That wasn’t asking them what they wanted all the time … far from it. Rather, giving them age and stage related options which I chose but letting them make a decision. For instance a three year old given 2 choices of outfit to wear. On choosing one, having a brief convo about why he decided on the green shirt and black shorts … Child of 6 getting his hair cut: Which of these 3 styles would you prefer? Once it’s cut: Do you like the way you look/feel? Will you get it cut the same way again do you think? And so on through the tweens and teens with ever growing complexity.
I feel it taught my darlings good self analytical skills and curbed some of the impulsive behaviour of adolescence. All 3 have done well in adult life and our relationships are close and satisfying. Now we enjoy the pleasure of grandchildren being brought up in similar style …
If there is one disturbing thing I’ve noted over the years, it’s the ‘selfless’ endlessly doting, forever giving, parents who end up abandoned by their offspring in old age – as they’ve outlived their usefulness and exhausted their resources. Keep that in mind …
While I get your point, and work to turn my children into adults, I am not trying to turn them into jerks. I’ve seen the families where everyone does their own laundry, makes their own food, packs their own lunches. You forgot your phone at work? Tough shit, no one else cares. Your jeans are dirty and you don’t have time to wash them tonight? Well, that sucks. That’s a house full of roommates, everyone does for themselves. To me, that’s not exactly the point of a family.
In our house, the morning starts with the alarm going off next to my husband. He hears it, he wakes up and then sends the dogs in to wake the girls. He returns to kiss my cheek (way better way to wake up than an alarm!) while we listen to laughter and giggles and dog noises. Breakfast starts with my husband making pour-over coffee for me (time-consuming, but that’s what I prefer) while my daughter makes him a cup of tea. He’s busy by that time making her omelette while he fries his own eggs, so she makes him a sandwich for lunch. Other daughter is feeding the dogs while I put toast in for everyone who wants it. While the girls eat I finish husband’s lunch and start my breakfast. They might work together on their lunches (“I’ll cut the cucumbers, can you put my yogurt in a cup?”) or one of them might be searching for a library book that needs returned while the other packs both lunches. All throughout, there is laughter and talking. “Where is my red belt?” “Here, I’ll look for it for you, just iron my shirt while I do!”
Household chores are shared and done (mostly) together. We all want to have a nice place to live, so we all try to keep it clean. The youngest doesn’t clean the ceiling fans, but most tasks can be done by anyone. Guests coming over necessitate a list, the person who writes it (we call them the Choreographer) can assign specific chores to specific people, but usually it’s ‘just keep working till it’s all done.’
Paperwork, for school and doctors, has been done by the student/patient since they could write, but a parent or older sibling is available to answer questions as needed. Lost and forgotten school or work items? If someone is available to bring them, they are brought. If not, we are sorry we can’t help. Laundry is a group responsibility, but if you want a specific item cleaned, you throw a load in of other items at the same time. Blow-drying long hair is easier if the hair is not on your own head, so that’s shared. The same with applying theatrical make-up (which is sometimes worn on non-theatrical Tuesdays, but oh well.) All clothes can be shared and borrowed, but you have to ask and clean them when you are done.
Our children are 10 and 14, and the oldest is almost like living with another adult, while the youngest is on her way. They are kind, caring and considerate.
I’ve lived with roommates, but I much prefer family.
I think there is definitely a happy medium to all this. Both of my 7 year old daughters actually want to help me with house work and chores. When you teach with love and respect it comes back to you!
I read this with interest- especially the comments about behavior issues and other excuses parents use to continue to do things for their kids. This is not to say that there are some issues that preclude a child growing into a functioning adult, but that is the exception rather than the norm. The key, I think, is the confidence you instill in a child who can do things for him/herself. My youngest has pretty severe ADHD (non-hyperactivity) but has taught himself how to cope with his issues. My thoughts, from the time he was 8 or so, were that he wasn’t going to get extra time from his boss or other modifications in real life and he was going to have to learn how to live with it. Now 20, he just returned from a semester in France, where he didn’t speak the language, had no idea how to get from the airport to the campus, didn’t know a soul, had about 5 Euro in his pocket, and landed on a Friday when the campus was closed and the dorms not open until Monday morning. He not only negotiated it all like a champ, he met amazing friends, learned to plan and execute travel all over the EU, and (sigh) still doesn’t speak enough French to save his life. His homework was always “done”, not always as perfect as I would have liked, his projects were always complete, not always with everything glued on “straight”, He got his forms filled out, and learned to call me when he had questions. He is an Eagle Scout- and he organized the whole project, including the recruitment of “bodies” to work on his project, by himself. Do I assist when he asks? Usually. Do I bite my tongue when he does something that I would do differently? Usually. But am I confident that he has learned to make good choices, he makes goals for himself and follows up on them. He will do quite fine in the world, as a functioning adult, who was given the chance to learn how to be an adult when he had a safety net underneath him.
All well and good, but my daughter would be dead now if I had clung too hard to the general approach that informs all these suggestions. So if you are all about teaching your kids to be responsible adults and they are not responding–I mean really not responding, as in not getting out of bed at all, dissolving into a puddle of panic about doing their homework every single night, having a full-blown, screaming, toddler-style tantrum if their jeans aren’t clean at the exact moment they need them–do yourself and them a favor and get a neuropsych evaluation. We waited too long to do that and almost lost her, but once we figured out the problem, we also discovered that the above is not the solution. The likely solution is meds, therapy (for both kid and family), time, and an infinite amount of patience on all sides. It is so easy to blame yourself, or your kid, when someone’s simple recipe for perfect parenting doesn’t work for you, and so easy to buy into the stigma that surrounds admitting there might be a larger issue. (BTW the child in question survived her adolescence, is self-supporting and appreciative of her parents, is finally getting the hang of some of the skills covered above, and wants to make her career working with kids who have the same kind of “hidden” special needs that she had. So all in all, things worked out, but the standard “good parent” blueprints turned out to be worthless except for the one about loving your kid no matter what.)
Some of these are great to teach your kids independence, but others will likely backfire. They could very easily turn into an attitude of “well if mom and dad don’t give a crap, why should I?” We should still be supportive, and as parents we have full capability of gauging whether or not their forgetfulness or irresponsibility is an epidemic or a one time accident. If my kid texts me and asked to have things brought that they forgot one time, I’m going to help them out if I am available to. Quite frankly, I help my spouse, neighbors and parents with one time favors like that, you can be sure I will help my kid, too.
That’s great that you’ve found strategies as a parent that work for you and your children. I’m sure you must realize your methods are not right for everyone. Perhaps you should look at your plea of, “please don’t judge me” and stop judging others.
Wow. Quite the discussion. I raised a son from infancy on because his mother developed a relationship she preferred over ours. My boy is a freshman in college, and is doing quite well. Although I agree with Mrs. Carney’s principle, I never took it to her level of application. The older my son got, the more he did for himself. Yes, I’ve scrambled to the school with homework, and yes, I’ve done laundry late at night. However, the principle is sound. It is not lazy. No one wants to see their child upset, etc. That is simply a part of learning, and maturing, and preparing not to be an unnecessary burden on others. This brings me to an annoyance I will close with. The term “punishment” has been misapplied in quite a few of the comments in this discussion. Some professions co-opt the term as if they know what it is, and they don’t. Punishment is a consequence that decreases a behavior. That’s it. It is not pain. Pain often doesn’t decrease a behavior. It has little to do with pain. I can’t think of another technical term that has been so maligned and misused. I always searched for the most effective consequence that DIDN’T involve pain. Natural consequences (punishment) are the best, because they are not fabricated. They belong to the natural course of life. If you don’t eat, you feel hungry. Maybe you need to pay attention and eat? If you run the car out of gas, guess you won’t make it far?? Beautiful and divine engineering. Thank you for letting me comment.
As a teacher, I think some of the approaches here are great. By all means, don’t bail kids out with forgotten work, lunches, clothes, etc. None of those things will kill them, and continually bringing them just reinforces a lack of responsibility. On the other hand, I think this mom may be a little too checked out of her kids’ lives. There is a difference between micromanaging every little assignment and being involved in your child’s education. You should know what your child is learning and how they are doing in their classes, not because you are constantly checking up on them, but because you are having conversations with them. (And occasionally checking up.)
Likewise, I think having teens (and younger) pack their own lunch is great, especially if you talk to them about foods they would like to pack, and make sure they are available in the house. But why is this mom proud about encouraging her kids to eat sugary cereals for breakfast every morning? Yes, one day they will be college kids who eat at a cafeteria, and then adults who will provide their own meals. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with teaching kids and teens to cook and asking them to take on the occasional meal. But it’s just sad that cooked, family breakfast just don’t seem to be a thing and that’s treated as praiseworthy.
I just have to comment because you are very mistaken that I am checked out of my kids’ lives. I am always having conversations with my kids about their work, classes and teachers. They are self motivated, hard working students (for the most part) because we have allowed them the space to build their confidence, skills and their own intrinsic motivation. They are high achievers because it makes them proud, not because they need to do it for Mom and Dad. Secondly, I laugh when you say I’m proud about encouraging my kids to eat sugary cereal for breakfast. That couldn’t be furthest from the truth, since my husband is a health nut and the most exciting thing my kids get is Moms Best cereals. My kids wish they were eating Fruit Loops and Frosted Flakes I’m sure. We used to make homemade breakfast on a lot of early school mornings before the kids started complaining that they weren’t that hungry or they didn’t want this or that and they just wanted cereal. On mornings we feel they need more, we absolutely make them eggs or something more substantial. The post is written as an absolute, but there is always grace and love alongside these expectations. Thanks for reading and commenting Morgan!
Very insightful. Parents many times feel their children “can’t” do things, everyday responsible things and for the most part, it is on the adult. I too had some of those child rearing issues years ago and while in the student ministry at my church read the book “Do hard things” by Alex and Brett Harris. It was eye opening and a reminder of the responsibility I was given as a teen, that even though things are hard in live, we still have to do them. Thanks.
Thanks Mark for the reminder to pull out our “Do Hard Things” book! We haven’t read that yet, so excited to finally do so. Appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment!
Awesome book!
Amy,
I love this! My parents raised me this way and I always felt so confident and capable – and felt so sorry for college friends who struggled to function because they were having to figure it all out on their own at 18+. A friend said to me recently that kids aren’t ready to leave home at 18, they should go to community college until they’re mature enough to leave. I told her my goal is to have my kids ready. Our kids are tweens and younger. We have time to teach them a lot. Thank you for encouraging this!
Thank you for your blog, Amy. I agree with your methods one hundred percent. I was raised to be independent, my husband was not. Thankfully, he wanted to learn how to cook, clean, mow the lawn etc. and he cooks the most amazing meals, does great work in all that he does—I couldn’t have asked for a more hard working husband. He’s good at researching and learning. I try my best to raise our children this way, although they are young. My mother-in-law told me I was expecting too much on them, they’re only little. But I know what her raising produced, a nineteen year old daughter engaged, and never cooked a meal.
Our eldest needs the most support in this department of being responsible and organised. I’ve stepped back, she’s in her last year of Primary and will be 12 later this year. She has an alarm clock to wake her, and I have given both our children the same expectations. Our youngest is a different child. Independent and thoughtful. Up at the same time every morning, ready quickly and gets her own lunch and breakfast without fail. I recognise their differences, but still expect the same. Our eldest is learning, getting her own breakfast (else she’ll not get what she wants if I have to do it), helping with their lunches, making her bed and cleaning after herself. On top of that, they have shared responsibility with a pet, which is great. Both are good at doing their homework and projects. At school they are taught to be organised, so they’ll be ready for high school, which both our children are. As they get older, I add new responsibilities. They enjoy helping with the cooking, and I have added helping with gardening and cleaning on occasions. They need to learn responsibilities for their actions or non actions to grow to become well rounded members of society. Parents of generations before us taught children normal day to day chores from a young age, everyone needed to help to get things done. That was the way of my parents’ generation, when life was hard and they didn’t have the luxury of a car. Modern parenting as a helicopter parent doesn’t provided any life long skills for when they grow up. Instead they create adults who expect things done for them and blame others when things go wrong.
I love this. I raised three children and I did this with them as my parents did with us, sometimes as a child it was tough but my parents worked just as we did. I now have three independent, competent adults running their own lives. I know that because they had learned self direction and responsibility alongside fundamental living skills that when life provided them with the challenges of being and independent adult they are better able to deal with it, they also know that we are here for the really big stuff.
This is opinion based on the authors experience, which is fine. But, I have a different experience and opinion. I did all of the things and more that she said not to do for my twin boys while they were in high school. One now a freshman in college, and he has had no problem doing all of these things for himself. The other still lives at home, but I don’t do any of these things for him either and he is totally fine doing all these things for himself at home. I helped them while in highschool because they are athletes and a college scholarship was at stake. Plus, they are my “twinsies” and I enjoyed doing these things for them. So, this is more an individual decision based on your child. It is not an absolute, for my boys, now 19, are very self sufficient despite me doing what I enjoyed doing to help them while in high school.
I would put “Don’t drive them everywhere” on there. Calling the teachers and coaches is a case by case situation because there could be a problem of bullying, drugs etc that the teachers may notice. Another student may confide in teachers i.e. they’d have valuable information…but don’t phone them when your kids get a D on a test or are seated next to someone they don’t like.
Absolutely agree with this. We’re really trying to navigate this “driving them everywhere” piece right now. It’s crazy how we used to only go where our bike or feet would take us, now we parents are volunteer UBERs. There needs to be a balance. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Would be a fun exercise to try to implement all these changes in our household- as long as we didn’t mind things going off the rails now and then. Each kid has vastly different abilities and interests- i.e, the 10 year old outperforms the 15 year old in a lot of basic tasks, the 13 year old slacker never needs to be reminded to do his chores and does everything else first time he’s asked, without complaint, the one who can do a Rubik’s cube in a minute blows up at how difficult his bike lock is to work, etc. Interesting times!
Pertinent info for raising teens. Great advice. Given some of the comments here it is important to keep in mind this article focuses on TEENAGERS who do not appear to have learning disabilities or behavioral issues which, IMO, might not be entirely applicable. Also, I don’t subscribe to every idea presented here for raising my own kids, but I find a lot of value in what Amy says.
We (my wife and I) have always reinforced personal responsibility for our own two kids (now 15 and 12) at what we felt were age, and ability, -appropriate levels. After reading this article, I was reminded of how I used an alarm clock while growing up. Last night over dinner, I asked my daughter, “Who’s going to wake you up when you’re in college?” Like magic she appeared at 6:00 this morning, umprompted. I just got comfortable waking her up since her bedroom door is right on the way to the kitchen. My son (12-y.o.) can end up in any part of the house, sound asleep, in the morning, so I still nudge him awake…for now.
We live in the country with quite a few animals, so after their morning chore routine, I am most often joined (well… it took some training) by both kids to help with breakfast and packing lunches. We eat meals together so family breakfast is important. When each make their own breakfasts we don’t get those few valuable moments together around the table.
My older definitely MUST have all paperwork completed before I’ll sign it. She even has our insurance and emergency contact info if it’s needed. My son isn’t there yet, but we help him fill them out.
I’m pretty much a stickler for not turning around or making special trips to bring forgotten items. I weigh each situation accordingly (Is it even possible for me? What are the magnitude of the consequences? Is it age appropriate?, etc.). It’s not a hard-and-fast rule. Ahem. How many times have I turned around to get my forgotten phone or wallet?
We have good communication with our son’s teachers so we are aware of current homework assignments. We don’t stand over him while he does it. We give help if he asks. We don’t micro-mange the work. We let the homework go back to school with errors. It carries much more weight if he gets a paper back with corrections and it lets his teachers know where he stands academically. Our daughter is in high school and I check her grades on line about once in every whenever. She’s doing well and shares her test and homework progress with us regularly anyway.
Communication with teachers involves supporting our kids–not protecting or advocating for them–and clarifying my children’s versions of stories that give me concern. I’ve already said to my daughter about her teachers and coaches, “Hey, you are going to encounter people like this (good or bad) for the rest of your life. How do you think you can best learn to handle these situations now?”
Both kids know how to do laundry. If they need something soon they start a load (and throw in other’s laundry to get a full load). Otherwise, it’s just ongoing family laundry.
We don’t do the family meetings as we are together enough during the day, and with only two kids family discussions and logistics planning are easier to handle.
Oh yeah, we all use on-line calendars (Google) and they are all linked. We can put appointments, work schedules, games, dances, practices, meetings, etc. out there and invite others as guests (like, Dad, will you drive me?). Each of us can then accept or decline the invitation as a launch point to discuss further planning (e.g. rides, fitting in dinner, working around work schedules).
What struck me the most is the reminder of the moment each of my children were born, I told myself that this is is first day of preparing them to eventually leave. It’s a process of embracing and letting them go at the same time. I admit, it’s more for my benefit than theirs. 😉 This post nails it.
Wow! What a great and thoughtful response Norman. I love what you said about reinforcing personal responsibility. Yes! That’s the overall goal I think no matter what you do or don’t do for your kids. I really enjoyed reading your thoughts and the positive ways you are implementing and modeling love along with responsibility, which is exactly what we try to do in our home. Thanks for reading and commenting!
One of my favourite replies when asked to do something after dinner and before bedtime was, ‘What time is it?” She’d reply and no matter what time she said, I’d reply, “Oh sweetheart, I’m off duty. Can you do it yourself, or find someone else to help you?”
I also used to, in grade school, after her bath bring the clothing she’d be wearing the next day and tell her to put it on, “But mom I’m going to bed.” ” I know, but I’m tired of fighting with you in the morning to get up and get dressed.” One less thing to have to do the next morning!
My daughter is now a costumer in the motion picture industry, so she gets to dress other people! LOL!
I grew up in a household where my mom did everything for us – and for my dad. Picked our clothes, laundry, cleaned, cooked packed lunches, etc etc – she is a great mom but I have to say when I moved out- I didn’t know how to do anything for myself. I had to call her and ask how do I this – how do I that
I have shown my two teens how to do everything in the house – dishes, dishwasher laundry, cleaning and what cleaning supplies for what – vaccuming, how to pack lunches and pick snacks,how to use the oven, cook and microwave. My husband has shown them where to turn the water off in the house and where the breaker box is and explained those type things for emergencies. I really recommend doing that – show them but also do it for them once in a while 🙂 cause you LOVE THEM
Hi Dawn! Love all the everyday things you are teaching. I’m going to take your ideas for the water and breaker box! And yes, we must balance doing for them and letting them do on their own. Thank you for reading and commenting!
I wish I had read this article when my kids were younger. I have to admit, I did try many times to take the monkey off my back, but I had this incredible Mommy guilt. I felt like I must be a terrible mom for not doing these things for my kids, so I gave up. Now, my kids are teens, and I am still doing everything for them, but I still have this underlying fear that they won’t need me anymore, but at the same time I have not taught them the simple skills they need for life. I’m still working on it, but just at lunch the other day, talking with another mom who’s kids are grown, she told me, you must not make your kids do chores…school today is harder than ever, kids are under too much stress, and many are committing suicide, so her advice to me was do everything for them you can. When their brains are developed in a few years, when they are in university, they will have the ability to figure things out then. She had just had a friend lose a child to suicide. So I realized that each family has to figure out what works for them. There is no one way that works for all families. I also know that I can look into myself and see if fear is stopping me from being the best parent, and what to do about that for myself. I think no matter what I do, each day is a journey and we will all end up wherever we are having done the best we could. I also know living in fear of being a bad parent won’t help, so I’m working to give that up. I think no matter what we do, loving our kids in whatever way that looks like to us and them is the key. Whether it’s bringing them their lunch, or telling them know. As long as it’s done in love and not anger or resentment is the key. They can tell the difference.
Thank you for reading and for your heartfelt comment Lisa. Yes, we are all doing the best we can and like you said, loving them through however we are doing it is the answer! I don’t agree that asking the kids to help with their laundry, dishes, cleaning up, etc. is something they should not have to do because they are busy or stressed. Perhaps it means doing those things on weekends or when there is more downtime in the week for sure. We talk a lot about the importance of each family member bringing value to the family because we are a team.
To be honest, I don’t completely agree with you.
Allow me to clarify,
I agree with the idea that you should give your child more responsibility, such as cooking his/her breakfast, doing laundry, when you feel he or she is ready. However I don’t see why you would actually deny helping them when they ask you to bring something they have forgotten? Judging by the text image, I do not think that is a appropriate reply. You do not flat out say no, but rather say I cannot for some reason. These children have feelings, you can’t disregard their feelings to teach them a lesson that could be taught in another harmless way. This also goes for everything else. What if your child is getting late for the bus, and he or she needs help in packaging lunch to save time. Will you just flat out ignore that?
I mean, you can give your child all the responsibilities you want, who am I to say? But when you start ignoring help flat out, you’re being a bad friend too.
That is to say, your points are very valid, just don’t overdo them.
Allow me to further clarify.
Let us take a different scenario and apply that logic to get a clearer picture.
Imagine if your husband or wife asked you to bring you something to work, would you deny flat out just to teach them a lesson? Imagine if your wife or husband overslept for work, would you leave them to sleep?
Sure you can teach your child not to rely on you on everything, and I think you should, but sometimes children, just like adults need someone to lean or rely on if something goes wrong, such as oversleeping or forgetting something. But that should never be the ordinary case.
In conclusion, I think you should teach your child to rely on themselves, but also be a friend to lean and rely on when they need something, as long as its not an everyday thing.
Know that this is coming from a teenager’s perspective.
I’m a 15 year old and i’ve been doing all of these this since i was 8. it’s helped me become independent but at the same time make sure you show your kids the right way to do the things (especially paperwork) and give them some guidelines before throwing them off the deep end. trust me it’s waaaayyy better if you do.
Yes, parents definitely need to come alongside the kids and teach them how to do all of these things. Thanks for reading and commenting Israel!
Yes, and thank you! I don’t have children (yet), but I think about a lot of this. I had been thinking how I would rather homeschool than to be chasing after my kids around the very things you brought up. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I choose to NOT do and be those things. Thanks so much for the reminder.
I found your post over here with no credit/attribution: http://alfastories.net/quit-doing-these-8-things-for-your-teen-this-year-if-you-want-to-raise-an-adult/
It feels like plagiarism.
Thank you for tracking me down Melissa! Yes, I have heard from others that people are reposting my content without approval or attribution which isn’t cool. I’m happy that you took my writing as a reminder that you can make motherhood your own and your kids might just be better off from not doing and being everything for them. Have a great day!
I totally agree. We have been using the book Love-and-Logic with our 10 year old. She had behavior issues until we started using that book strictly with her… and backing off and requiring her to take some personal responsibility. I can honestly say that now, a year later into the experiment, most of her behavior issues have disappeared. I see people here say they cannot do this as their child has behavior issues. But, I wonder if they stop to ask (in some cases, not all I know) if those behaviors are not a direct consequence of them not making the child responsible for their mistakes. I cannot speak for everyone. I can just say that in ours, once we back off and made her responsible… let her get in trouble at school for not doing homework .. let her be without something she needed (shoes at a soccer camp) as she forgot them… let her suffer a bit… once we just let the natural consequences happen, we started seeing more responsible behavior. I realized that if we hover and do it for her, her behavior gets worse…when we don’t, she gets more responsible.
Omg this stuff is cracking me up! I keep laughing out loud at these comments, so loud I woke up my oldest “baby” guess I’ll tuck her back in and pat her a** til she falls back asleep. She’s 16. She needs her beauty sleep, be well rested so she can throw her jeans on for school Monday morning, the ones she probably wore all weekend and I’m positive the same socks as yesterday. Get a grip “helicopter parents” that’s a joke. Just came across this blog for the first time and totally agree with the author. Our home can be a hot mess once in a while. I throw the fbomb around occasionally and my kids laugh when I do. Get over this perfection thing already. I feel sorry for those families. Get a life. Teach your kids some responsibility. These comments are cracking me up! The one about wiping her kids butts and no poop in their parents and the one family how her husband wakes her up with a kiss in the morning and the dogs wake the kids up. And omg how they just sit and listen! I don’t do social media much cuz of this nonsense, I’d be laughing all evening.i can’t deal, I can’t even get this comment out. Thanks for the laugh you crazy people!
Stacia- You are cracking me up now! Appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment!
While you’re at it, why don’t you stop buying food, and let them learn how to shop. After all, they will be doing all their shopping in the very near future, like all adults do. So why not start early and teach them how to shop for all their food needs. This is important both to learn how to budget and also to learn how to simplify food choices for later preparation.
On top of that, why should parents cook for their children? Cooking is an incredible and fun skill, and managing to learn how do it quickly and efficiently is certainly an asset they will cherish for life. Plus, since you have four kids they can take turns, and cook for each other. Out of 7 meals a week (breakfast and lunch do not count: as you said, just grab whatever you can find, no rules), that makes less than two each a week. Easy peasy. What if they develop diabetes or obesity? It will only become a major problem after they reach an age when they will be independent anyway, so why bother with doubts now? Let them be masters of their health from day one. Never mind that food is the key to their health and well being, and that maybe not every school age child has perfect knowledge of their dietary needs and the ability to choose food based on their health requirements and not just their fancy. If they want to eat a pack of Smarties for breakfast, and they prefer twinkies for lunch, who am I to stop them? In just a few years they will eat whatever they want anyway, so why bother?
Let me also suggest the invaluable lesson about the value of money they could learn right now. This nonsense of providing them with stuff, when in a very short time they will need to face the harsh truth that they need to earn a living, really makes no sense, and it impairs parents’ ability to spend money for their own pleasure. Why not start now? After all, they have plenty of time left after school, shopping, cooking, laundry and homework. So why not figure out a job that earns enough for the food shopping, and their basic needs, such as clothing and school materials. The invaluable lesson of being independent is something they will forever be grateful for. While you’re at it, you can stir them in the right direction: prostitution and drug dealing earn more buck much quicker than any silly job, like waitressing or cleaning. Plus, as most skilled drug dealers know, and underage dealer faces less consequences than an adult, so their contribution to the system would be invaluable, while at the same time they would probably be spared the harsher punishments.
Last but not least – but I don’t think you have anything to learn from me – some very resourceful foster parents have figured out that, if they foster more kids, say in excess of ten or twenty, they can start a fantastic, lucrative activity in their basement. Children have smaller hands and are perfectly adept at serial production of small items, especially textiles or small accessories. Wonderful, caring societies in Southeast Asia have paved the way for the productive use of children of any age in all sorts of labor: we just need to copy. Once they get used to it, school becomes unnecessary, and the time saved from that useless stuff (after all, in a few years they might decide to quit school by themselves) turns into very profitable hours at work in the basement.
But the biggest time saving, as suggested by many of the people who left brilliant comments and praise before me, is all that time wasted by waking them up with a hug, or kissing them goodnight, or showing them any form of caring or affection. What a bunch of nonsense, all this love some people talk about! Much better, as you suggest, to hear the clanking of their bowls when they have breakfast from the comfort of your bed, and save the breath you would waste to say good morning to each of them. I might add that, in the evening, since they will be cooking by themselves, why bother being at home when they return from school? Make sure you leave before they return, lest they think you might want to help them with anything they need: you’re on your own kids! Start with laundry, do your homework, go to deal drugs or sell your body, and then start cooking. Ideally, you would want to come home when they are already asleep (flawed creatures, children, they tend to fall asleep when tired) so you can save the energy you would waste by talking to them or even worse, by hugging them or saying goodnight.
Thanks for the enlightening post. I wish I had read this years ago, when my kids were smaller. I would have saved a ton of money and time, and I could have been a blogger instead of being, what do they call it?, a parent.
Have you seen this? http://alfastories.net/quit-doing-these-8-things-for-your-teen-this-year-if-you-want-to-raise-an-adult/
Hi, Kerry. A friend sent me this link, as it’s been going around. I have no idea who to contact as there’s no info on that site. Very strange that they just took my work and used it as their own. Thank you for thinking of me!
Hi Amy,
I just sat down really confused and so worried about my approach with my middle school kid. searched online and I came across your article and I truly loved it and appreciate your advice. I have a question please and I am hoping if you guys can help me with. I do have three kids and the oldest is 12 years old boy “8th grader”. he is a smart super kind and disciplined boy however as most of the teens these days he gets very easily distracted with using his cell phone and electronics. The problem I face is when I take his phone or xbox time away he functions great and much better at school. I did have a conversation wth him today and he said mama I need my cell at school. it is not like elementary everyone at middle school has their cell phone and I look really bad. So wanted to ask you am I putting my son in a bad picture at his school. is it too much pressure on him if I take it away for couple of weeks till he pass his tests. I really appreciate your input here.
Hi Fatma- I will email you directly in response to this. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Hi Amy, I just read your blog post and I have to tell you, it actually made my stomach hurt. I didn’t disagree with everything you wrote–there’s a lot of wisdom there–but some of the language you chose (i.e. referring to your child as “Daughter Dear”) left me feeling like this was an article written by a woman who more than likely is burned out on being a parent. But it was the tone that disturbed me most–very subtly indifferent and cynical and cold. I felt that this article might actually be a vehicle for the author to strike out with (perhaps subconscious) resentment when it comes to dealing with teens. In the end, as a reader, something about the entire thing felt very sad to me–the word choice, the tone. It distracted me away from what could have been some helpful advice. Thanks for letting me express my feelings about this. I haven’t read anyone else’s comments.
Hi Jamie! I sometimes refer to my daughter as Daughter Dear in my writing instead of her real name for privacy purposes. Nothing derogatory meant by that at all as she is the love of my life. I wrote this piece and perhaps used the wrong tone because I’m tired of witnessing the overparenting, entitlement epidemic that we have going on in society today. I do not resent my teens and actually, love this stage of parenting more than the last one. We have even added a child to our family through foster care adoption last year and I attribute part of our ability to do that to my older kids being so helpful and able to handle many things in their lives, which in turn frees up space for all of us to actually do more. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Thanks, Amy, for being so gracious and for some clarification.
Great post. My hubby has infantilised his 17yo daughter, just as his mother relieved him of his responsibilities. To have a girl woman toddler around the house is depressing. We are growing our family and i pray my hubby learns to parent differently.
I am unsure what to do with my 13 year old ADHD/PTSD/Possibly Autistic Son who I Home-school. I now have a job part time at the YMCA, and he is not a self starter, and he has several special needs. He actually is unable as of yet to sit and start himself off on his days even working in his workbook. I have often contemplated putting him in a good Christian or special needs school, or finding a volunteer to tutor him him during the school day. How do you help a special needs teen learn to take more responsibility for himself? Just need some ideas. I have tried a lot of consequences. Thank you for any ideas that may help me.
Hi Susanna- I would absolutely find a special needs program that he can go to and can begin to learn these skills at school too. It would probably be very beneficial to all of you! Wish I could help you more! Thanks for reading and commenting
I highly doubt this will work will my teen. She has Cystic Fibrosis- a genetic condition that affects breathing and Digestion. She has to get up earlier than most people to do her treatments. She can’t make her own breakfast or lunch because she won’t put enough in. What if the paperwork needs a signature? And she can’t do her laundry, she’ll cough mucus on the clean clothes. Sorry but most of these won’t work with her.
Clearly none of her kids have adhd!
Thank you!! My junior in high school has failed nearly every class this term. With the school pushing parents to create parent accounts on the student’s assignment website, where every assignment can be viewed, I felt a lot of pressure that this must be my fault if he was not getting his work done. I tried nagging and taking privileges away, but the grades continued to fall. At the point where there really was not any hope of passing the classes before the end of the term, I gave up. The term ends this week, and yesterday I asked him, “what are you going to do different next term so that you will do well in your classes?” He said that he had talked to the guidiance counselor, and she was going to check in with him every week to see if his assignments were all caught up.
Sigh of relief!! But, after the sigh, I began to feel guilty that someone besides me was holding him accountable. Hence, my google search that led to your blog. Although part of me still feels like an incompetent parent, I am just grateful that someone else may be able to encourage him in this responsibility, since my efforts to do so did not work.
A thought: Especially with teens, another adult may be better at reaching them in certain areas than I am. Can I let go of the guilt and not feel like an irresponsible parent? Or perhaps instead of guilt, it is pride, that makes me want all of the glory for anything good that my child does.
It is so hard as a parent, who dearly loves their child, to allow them to fail and make mistakes and to not feel responsible or guilty about it when it does happen. You are clearly a good parent if you are aware and care about what is going on. I believe it takes a village to raise a child well. And I love what you said about ‘what are YOU going to do differently?’ Because that’s what we have to remember and let go of when our parental pride and guilt sets in, that as long as we are coming alongside our teen and supporting, loving and believing in them, the intrinsic motivation to do well or seek out help has to ultimately come from them. Thanks for reading and commenting Katie!
I think it’s smart to remind your kid that you do not work for them, especially when they’re getting demanding. I’ve been slowly teaching my daughter how to do her own laundry so that I don’t have to do it anymore. I think she likes being able to do her laundry when she needs it instead of waiting for me to do it for her.
I’m so glad for everyone who has kids who regularly take responsibility, don’t forget things often, can plan and carry out plans effectively, etc. In our family, we have a sweet, kind, smart, funny, and VERY ADHD girl who is 14 and not at all emotionally mature. She’s come a long way since 4th grade where evenings consisted of calling other parents to try and get a copy of whatever is due tomorrow. With medication, she’s made HUGE strides…but she’s “not there yet.” Rather than let her drown and watch, I’m choosing to throw her a life preserver and help. “Sink or Swim” is a fine strategy if you have someone who wants to swim. If you have someone who’s combating feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure, it’s a recipe for disaster. There are lots of “right ways” to parent your child(ren). The absolute “right way” is whatever way works for that child. After seeing this article and reading some of the comments, I felt ashamed for what others might terms enabling my child’s helplessness. I felt like I’d done something wrong by setting this standard earlier. Since I don’t have a way of changing the past, I can only try and detangle myself from her gently in the present…I will reward her for doing things right and will try and work with her teachers to meet her where she is and not expect her to be something she’s not. I read an article in an ADD emagazine recently that resonated with me. The idea was that kids don’t wake up and plan to forget things…most don’t purposefully not listen in class so they don’t know what’s going on. Regarding doing the right thing at the right time, a kid with ADHD “would if they could.” Just as you wouldn’t tell a paraplegic to “stand up and walk” or tell someone who’s clinically depressed to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” or, God forbid, tell someone who’s short to “just be taller….you could if you really tried!, we can’t expect these kids who are exceptional in SO MANY OTHER WAYS to be something different…just because it’s more convenient and easier for teachers and schools.
So…I’ll continue to parent my child in the way I am…advocating for her strongly just as those who came before the ADA once had to advocate for their disabled child to have access to a ramp or an elevator. Those of you with kids who do what you ask and consistently self manage…kudos…or maybe, more accurately, congrats on your child being normal. I’ll keep my artsy, funny, quirky, kind girl whose Ferrari brain is wired for fantastic things and whose Chevrolet Executive Function skills will eventually catch up.
Kudos to you and your family! I have 2 teens that respect their parents, teachers, friends, relatives and our 3 cats. Unfortunately, they have anxiety. That always interferes with their school and we’ve had some serious events this year that only makes them work. Right now they need parents who will be advocates and not deny the fact that they did fall into depression. It’s more important for us as her parents that they understand that this could happen again and they need to know how to help one another if we’re no longer here. I took a week off of school because my daughter’s body stopped sending her the signals and she really had not appetite. If I had left her to fend for herself in that state, I don’t know if I’d still have her here with me now. As parents out first responsibility should be to give them the support that they need until we know they are mature enough to do for themselves. Not every teen is ready at the same time. Just like babies do not develop at the same time, neither to teenagers. We will know when is the right time and until then, we continue to model supportive parenting skills.
This is a very informative post and i feel that teenagers should be able to take more responsibility for what the are doing. Good read thank you
I know that this is kind of an old post, but maybe you get notifications? Anyways, I am 14 years old, in my freshman year, and my parents will not leave me alone about my homework. My dad in particular seems to think that a moment rested is a moment wasted. I agree that my grades are important, but I need to be left alone about it, and be trusted that I have it under control. Do you have any tips that you could give me that may help? Talking points to bring up to them or things that I personally could do would be really helpful.
Oliver! You are amazing to care about this and take the time to comment. Yes, sometimes we parents care too much and overstep our responsibilities in love. I’m going to send you an email with some resources for you. It’s admirable that you want to take responsibility for your education!
I’ve always told my kids I have 3 goals as your parent before you leave my house as an adult
1: you are a decent human being with manners and capable of treating others the way you wish to be treated.
2: you are a productive and contributing member of society.
3: you can completely care for yourself and your home.
To accomplish those things I can’t run behind them and clean their messes, fight their battles and helicopter their lives. Don’t get me wrong when my teen boys smell like a hoagie I grab the dawn sneak up behind them and rub it into their hair. It’s their choice to continue stinking and now have dish soap encrusted hair or shower and wash it out.
Every single kid in my house can feed themselves better than most college students. They have Mac n cheese, ramen, spaghetti, anything in a package with directions, general breakfast foods and sandwich making down pat. The oldest 2 can make full meals without supervision and the younger two are getting there.
Laundry is easy, you wash it or go naked period. You don’t want wrinkles, then hang your stuff. You don’t want stains then treat it that’s why I buy that stuff. Even when I do the laundry I simply dump the clean basket on the couch. Whatever is still there before I go to bed I assume no one wants and it gets bagged for donation.
Getting the schools to see this as an acceptable parenting style has been difficult. It took years for me to to get it through to them that I am not their student and am therefore not accountable to anything besides signing my name to certain forms. My children on the other hand are students and they need to hold them accountable for their actions at the school. I’m not punishing myself because my kid decided to claim they had a headache during gym for a month straight and failed the class. I call BS, you can walk around with a headache. Make them do laps for a partial grade. If the headache was that bad it wouldn’t magically appear during gym and disappear after.
I am not made of $ they get 3 new pair of jeans and tees and a hoodie, a package of socks and underwear and sneakers. You want more than that you have $25 to look through the thrift store with. (They usually prefer the thrift store anyhow). Kids grow fast and until they slow down I try not to spend more than $5-$10 an outfit. And yes it’s possible even in today’s economy. If you looked through our closets you’d find thousands of dollars worth of clothes that I maybe spent a couple hundred on collectively.
They want something outside of gifts for holidays and birthdays they buy it themselves by either working with us (hubs and I do different contracting work) or by doing the larger chores at home. Cleaning up after themselves is not a paid chore ever. Though I’ll pay them to clean someone else’s room with trash bags 🙂 no one likes when someone else decides what stays and what goes. Big brother cleaning baby sisters room? Yeah you see what I’m getting at.
I also pay the older kids to babysit, it $5 a day. And you have to cook dinner. They would be home anyhow and all they really have to do is make a meal for everyone and make sure 911 doesn’t need called for any reason. Beyond that the kids are responsible for themselves.
It is nice to know I’m not the only mom out there that thinks kids need to be held accountable to learn responsibility.
You are cracking me up- especially with the Dawn dish soap! Mean Moms unite! Thanks for reading Melissa and for taking the time to comment.
Thank you for sharing this article. It describes my frustrations with my partner’s kids. I grew up in a different culture and have unconsciously brought the values I learned from when I was a teenager to now that I have 2 boys of my own (10 and 14). My partner has 3 kids and I am struggling to understand and accept the way they treat each other to the point that I cried because I was heartbroken for him. It is not my place to get involved in their issues – I am a stepmom and I don’t want to be “out of line” or be told it is none of my business but each time I walk away, I always feel like they never solve any of their arguments and they all learn nothing from the experience. All they do is yell at each other. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like the kids have an expectation from their parents that it is their parent’s obligation to make their lunches, drive them to school, drive to where they forgot their stuff, get them job experience from their parents’ friends, drive them to their teen jobs, etc. And it seems that my partner thinks this is what it is or easier maybe just to avoid having an argument. I wish this mindset changes for the better. I told my partner to try one of your tips which is to get the kids to make their lunch. It is an easy thing to do – 100% but I said maybe he should help his 9 year old but the 2 teens can manage. To my surprise, his response was, “I got daughter to do her own last night but I am not going to PUNISH older son.”. I said it is not a form of punishment. I was awfully surprised that he thought that and I really wish this can change. Maybe he thinks that if he did what I suggested, he might be thought of as a bad parent rather than thinking of it as teaching your children how to become capable and independent adults.
I agree that parents should stop waking up their kids once they’re in High School. I want my son to be a well-functioning adult. So what would be the point of sending him to a private school to get an education if he can’t get himself up in the morning.
amazing great post thanks for sharing keep up the good work
Children are talented and can learn from a very tender age, so it is perfect to expose them to a nurturing and educational setting throughout those years.
I agree with a lot of this, but also think that “sink or swim” is a somewhat less viable strategy today than it was during our (let alone our parents) youth. Also, I’m skeptical about your claim that you actually care about your daughter’s schooling (or maybe your sentence is meant to convey that you want to *give her the impression* that you care?)
May I ask what your kids final grades were and whether they got into their colleges of choice?
This has been really interesting. We all get really caught up in our own ways of parenting; after all, we are dealing with what/whom we love most in the world and surely don’t want to think we might be messing up! We have 18 children, some home-made and some adopted. I noticed early on that mothers sounded so emotional and absolute about what and when to feed their new babies. Some fed only breast milk for the first months, some started out early with formula and cereal, some jumped into the baby food in little glass jars, while some mashed up “real people food” very early on. The strangest thing was, all those babies looked pretty much the same. They grew, cried, laughed, wet their diapers, etc., etc. …and they all laughed–and cried. It’s true, I noticed that children fed very irresponsibly seemed to get sick more, but maybe I was looking for that. They all got sick sometimes.
I think it might be the same with different ways of parenting. I am the “let the chips fall where they may” kind. I had nightmares when I was expecting my first child, of over protecting him. I dreamed he was so over bundled-up when he was outside in the winter that he couldn’t move and run and play like other kids. I was determined to let him be as independent as possible, letting him figure things out for himself when he could. When he was in 2nd grade his teacher kept him in from recess for “whispering at the drinking fountain” for far too long. I finally had had enough and told my son I was going to talk to the teacher about it. He didn’t want me to do that so I offered him the chance to do it himself. He said he would…and he did. He was back out for recess the next day. I have always expected them to take care of their own responsibilities. I did help with homework when asked but expected them to have tried to work out whatever the problem was before they asked for help. They were in charge of their laundry, cleaned their own rooms and were expected to help clean the rest of the house, helped with the cooking, etc., etc. My older children are extremely responsible (the little boy who whispered at the drinking fountain is now asst. superintendent of his school district.) and hard working. Every one of them is independent and able, as well as wonderful, loving parents and family members.
My younger children (I still have some at home) came with severe problems and still have serious problems. I treated them pretty much the same as the older children but they have a harder time getting it down, as well as a harder time doing what they need for themselves and those around them. There are simply some things you need to learn early on or they don’t get learned I think. Even so, I am not likely to do for them what I feel they should do for themselves. They say I’m mean but I say I am doing the best job I know how to do.
We do what we have to do as we go along, each of us doing the best that we can in the best way we know. We won’t all do any of it the same way as another would, and we shouldn’t be expected to. Still, it all seems to come out pretty much the same in the end; one way or another, our children will eventually learn to live without us. We just hope they become good, responsible, compassionate people who make the world a better place to live. We might need to be kind to one another along the way too.
I think that everything I read makes a lot of sense. My mother did everything you mentioned for me until I left at 17 to go to school. I eventually obtained my bachelor’s and master’s and some post graduate work. I was on my own until I married and have my own family. I learned to do all of those things while I was working full time as an elementary teacher. With age came responsibility and I was mature enough to do everything that adults do. I now have two teenagers that unfortunately have severe anxiety to the point that my oldest came down with depression in the middle of the school year. She was not physically able to wake up on her own and if she did, she would not come out of her room. We didn’t know what to do but we immediately sought medical intervention. It was weeks before a psychiatrist could see her to approve medication. It’s been 8 months and she’s finally over that hump. Her brother that she didn’t speak to during the whole episode went for weeks without being involved in a conversation with her. During the pandemic, he started to sleep a lot. He set his alarm, woke up but could not stay alert enough to participate in zoom meetings. He has not left the house but twice since March. He goes to his orthodontic appointment so that they can check his braces. He is not motivated to do anything but play on the computer. He used to love basketball and played with his 7th grade team at school. He used to love watching NBA on television and a few games we went to in San Antonio. He used to text his friends from school but he’s out of touch with anyone from school. Luckily, he still eats and makes time to play with our cats. Maybe after the pandemic I will have a conversation about responsibilities. I am worried he might fall into depression before things get better for the world we live in. I won’t be around forever and I want them to the know how to do things for themselves. Thanks for your advice.